Confusing feelings of identity--and the trade off of daydreaming for another obsession

[Queen Dopamine]

I'm slipping. I'm losing touch with reality. And it all started with an innocent video.

I think everyone's daydreams play out like movie scenes. Often times for me, I do something similar with music and create a music video, both in my head and while I'm acting it out. Sometimes, this leads to me making actual videos of me dancing or doing whatever. The most recent urge to do this started on Thursday when I filmed some scenes of me doing my version of a particular song.

I haven't daydreamed since I filmed it. I've been editing it obsessively, in such a way that I do daydreaming. It feels addictive. I have felt like that with past videos I've edited, but this one, the dynamic of the characters I play in the video, the imagery, the song itself...it makes me feel things and have thoughts and desires I haven't had in awhile. It's all confusing in regards to my identity and what I want to do.

Daydreaming is suddenly insufficient. I want to be the person in the video. I want to be someone of noteriety. I want to be seen and known. It's difficult to quantify, but I want to truly be the people I pretend to be in the video. I don't know how to make that happen, besides changing my wardrobe. That's not enough though. I want to go and do stuff. But what stuff? Do I want to be a famous video maker? Yes, that's part of it. I want to meet all my favorite bands and be desired by famous people. Really silly childish fantasies like that, which seem ridiculous when put into words by a 25 year old. I've tried so hard to not embody someone who tries too hard or who is pathetic or who "wants" to be famous or wants attention. And yet, at my core, it's something I do want.

But I don't know how to fill the void I have. I don't know how to satisfy the craving and urge in my soul that's only exacerbated by doing this video. 

[Queen Dopamine]

First of all, I must say, you write very well. I'm impressed with how eloquent that comment was. I don't mean that in a condescending way. I just take note when someone writes beautifully, even in a comment. :) 

Second, I think you've hit on something that is at the core of my daydreaming, too (and perhaps everyone): this feeling of insufficiency. I've never acknowledged it so explicitly, but rather, I pretend that it's just this fun thing I do to express these feelings on the inside. It's a compulsion; part of my daily routine. Yet the reasons behind why I do it are truly a coping mechanism. I can say things I don't normally say, do things I don't normally do, work out problems and scenarios with no consequence... it's amazing.

[Faye]

Hey, I know exactly what you mean when you're describing that "need" to be seen, to be well known. And how that need can't be met by MDD when you suddenly take steps away from DD so much. I don't want to be famous necessarily but I do have so many DD's where I am powerful. Like someone who commands the government etc. I also feel like it's a void that needs filling.

Actually embarrassingly I've turned down jobs in the past because they were not "great enough" and I think subliminally some part of me was more content to continue DDing about grandeur when I felt that I wasn't really going to achieve it in real life.  (What a ridiculous thing to have done).

I think I use MDD in part to escape, but also to superficially mend my deepest feelings of insufficiency in myself. I feel really ashamed and stupid about it. I'm repeating scenarios that are so far fetched from reality when I could be doing something else more constructive. 

[Queen Dopamine]

@Lindy, daydreams are really great for teaching us things that we struggle with. I'm so thankful for it in some ways. If only I could control it better. :) It can get in the way sometimes.

@Aquarius, I would love to get into video editing. It seems my MDing from a young age helped me to create these vivid scenes in my head. Like you said, perhaps there are those of us MDers who have this talent because we're so good at doing daydreams. I've always been a big fan of music videos. I was convinced I would direct videos someday, when I was younger. I could still do that. I know I'm not too old for that. It's the whole fantasy of wanting to be famous and to meet famous people, that's what I feel silly for haha. 

@Amanda, yes, I remember that you had to avoid all music except classical or blues. Have you still been successful in that? It sounds like you have been, besides accidentally seeing that article. I'm really curious who this person is, but I don't want to trigger you. :) I know how it feels with certain songs and bands, too. I have characters in my daydreams that are the children of famous musicians. It's such an intense world. I notice that I do focus better and have less desire to daydream if I put on nature sounds or something, instead of music I really love or that triggers me. Besides doing amateur videos for my youtube channel, I haven't done anything else. I would like to buy a better camera and upgrade my editing software and do more and more stuff. And heck, after I finish my current degree, I would consider a degree in video editing! 

[Amanda Lewone]

Jessica, I used to live this daydream almost every evening. I have managed to control it now by avoiding their music and any media associated with them. I doubt I am completely cured yet because one afternoon I accidentally saw an article on one guy I have an intense fake relationship with. (Based on what I know about him.) We write songs together, travel, music videos etc.  

I mentioned this before that I now only listen to classical/blues.  Otherwise I listen to podcasts. The pull of music is way too strong. 

Have you pursued filming/ editing music videos professionally?

[Aquarius]

There are like atleast 3 people in this thread who should be a part of theatre. So what if you are 25, you could take up acting/set designing/video editing. I think it would be interesting to join an acting class. Those movie like MDDs are perhaps indicators of latent talent.

[Lindy Lea Lawrence Wilson]

Oh Wonderful, Jessica (QueenDopamine)! I can't come up with the come backs, myself so that's why I NEED my day dreams to teach me since no-one else will teach me much about this world. I believe it is a blessing from God. Thank You for your wonderful comment. Now, I know I'm not losing my mind. It's just getting to be a better mind. ha ha ha

[Queen Dopamine]

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. :( I envision the conversations my characters have, but I also act it out. So I speak everyone's lines. The verbal exchanges can be quite funny, especially if you come up with the perfect comeback. :D

[Lindy Lea Lawrence Wilson]

Forgot to post that mine are also played out like movie scenes but, does anyone think of things others could say like a pretend conversation that you can't hear but, think it and they are truly hilarious. he he

[Lindy Lea Lawrence Wilson]

I have really bad enemies and so therefore what little bit of a life I had before the hoe decided she wanted to be my husband's woman and that I ought to share, is now gone so day dreaming is now giving me ideas on how to fight for myself and my daughter's lives. I want a life, too. This female and her friend think they're gonna induct me into their drug dealing lives. I've been tempted to become a criminal but, not a drug dealer in order to fight them back. 

[Queen Dopamine]

@Amanda Lewone: I know what you mean. This particular type of longing is one that drives me crazy. It's one that I can emulate in my scenes as a famous person, but it's not enough. I want to turn this video into my life. I want to push it to the next level. It's so frustrating. When I feel this overwhelmed, like I have reached the peak of all I can feel, I can no longer daydream. It's a difficult type of thing to articulate, much less act on. How bad is it for you? Do you have daydreams like this all the time?

@MatthewR: Thank you for your insight; it's really helpful. I think if I could channel my energy into projects like this all the time, it could be beneficial. As you know, completing tasks or assignments like schoolwork, applying for jobs, any type of deadline is a chore when you have attention/daydreaming disorders. So while that remains somewhat of a problem, video editing is different. It becomes both my work and my daydream, and I consider that I guess a blessing and a curse. :D

I know what you mean about existing in a world where you can safely play either side of the spectrum, bold and brash, or reserved and shy. You can experiment with no repercussions, and really, that's the beauty of it. It gets tiring to be only in that type of world though and not experience it so much, but that's what we're all learning to overcome.