Where wild minds come to rest
I'm slipping. I'm losing touch with reality. And it all started with an innocent video.
I think everyone's daydreams play out like movie scenes. Often times for me, I do something similar with music and create a music video, both in my head and while I'm acting it out. Sometimes, this leads to me making actual videos of me dancing or doing whatever. The most recent urge to do this started on Thursday when I filmed some scenes of me doing my version of a particular song.
I haven't daydreamed since I filmed it. I've been editing it obsessively, in such a way that I do daydreaming. It feels addictive. I have felt like that with past videos I've edited, but this one, the dynamic of the characters I play in the video, the imagery, the song itself...it makes me feel things and have thoughts and desires I haven't had in awhile. It's all confusing in regards to my identity and what I want to do.
Daydreaming is suddenly insufficient. I want to be the person in the video. I want to be someone of noteriety. I want to be seen and known. It's difficult to quantify, but I want to truly be the people I pretend to be in the video. I don't know how to make that happen, besides changing my wardrobe. That's not enough though. I want to go and do stuff. But what stuff? Do I want to be a famous video maker? Yes, that's part of it. I want to meet all my favorite bands and be desired by famous people. Really silly childish fantasies like that, which seem ridiculous when put into words by a 25 year old. I've tried so hard to not embody someone who tries too hard or who is pathetic or who "wants" to be famous or wants attention. And yet, at my core, it's something I do want.
But I don't know how to fill the void I have. I don't know how to satisfy the craving and urge in my soul that's only exacerbated by doing this video.