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Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest

Can't sleep

I've been physically exhausted since 8pm. But it's 2AM now, and I'm still awake. Thankfully, I've been somewhat productive during this random bout of mental energy. Well, I wouldn't call it that. Perhaps just mental unrest. That unsettled feeling that won't allow you to sleep.

I haven't daydreamed today. But that's possibly irrelevant. I'm distracted by my desperation in my current job search. But I'd rather be evicted from my apartment than go back to the job I was just at. That was probably too strong of a statement, but I like to speak in hyperbole sometimes.

I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, a thought in the back of my mind that I can't shake. You know what I mean? There's something you don't want to address. You want to stay in denial.

There are days, even just a block of hours during some days, where I am entirely unaware of who I am or what it is I'm doing. If it weren't for the job search, writing, and school assignments to keep me going, I'd likely be a lot worse off. And possibly downing the half-full bottle of vodka on my kitchen counter.

Ah, but I haven't had my utilities cut off yet. So there's at least still time for that to happen.

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Comment by Queen Dopamine on February 11, 2014 at 6:05pm: In some ways it's nice to think of where desperation can push you. Like maybe I will just abandon ship and see where I end up, forgetting credit history and bill collectors, and just doing what I want, all in the name of protesting a corporate job. But I do care about my credit score and keeping up with stuff, so I need the corporate job. Well, that's not all I've applied for, but the position that called me is for a corporate position (a commercial call center/sales position, no less).

Anyway, I've got a lot of thoughts and feelings and such, so I may be just rambling at this point.

Comment by Queen Dopamine on February 11, 2014 at 6:02pm: Yes, it sucks to be stuck like that. You can't pay your bills, but you're stuck. You need to work x amount of hours so you can get the paycheck that barely keeps you floating. It's a viscous cycle. You're often not even energized or motivated enough to look for a job in your spare time. I did finally land an interview today. I have been applying to a ton of places and following up on my applications. The one I got an interview for isn't my ideal job, but I need some income! I can always keep looking on the side...if I have the time and energy haha.

So it's a classic conundrum. I'm also in school and writing part-time on the side, so it's like, I'd love to pay my bills writing or doing something that wasn't a classic 40 hour a week job with a big commute, but I haven't had that opportunity. You take what life gives you I suppose.

Comment by Sandra on February 11, 2014 at 1:37am: Is it lack of openings it or extreme scattered-ness?

Comment by Sandra on February 11, 2014 at 1:36am: So so similar. It's not that I hate my job, it just won't pay my bills. And I don't have the option of no power and letting my apt go. There's a little one involved. But, my lease is up soon. Old me would put on craigslist 'moving today and I'm not taking shit with me' and see how far that loot gets me.
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