Hi Queen Dopamine

Thanks for acknowledging that you think I write well. :D I usually don't expect that, but I do appreciate it.

I completely understand what you are saying. I had a less than ideal childhood, so I know for a fact that I am constantly "guessing" at what normal is. I have no frame of reference for "healthy and appropriate" reactions to many situations. Well in general of course I can go by logic and common sense but certainly when it comes to the more nuanced things like the "feedback and approval" issues it definitely takes some figuring out.

Like you, there have been many times when I assess other people's reactions, and use it as a yardstick for what my reaction should be. I know that my intimidation/domineering nature is almost like a automatic defense mechanism, and sometimes I also shut down emotionally when I am taken aback by approval.

There have been times when it leaves me confused so I just become emotionally distant. It's almost like there is no balanced response in me. It's like if I let my responses go unedited it will fall on either extreme ends of the spectrum from inappropriately loyal to inappropriately distant. (Though I think this reaction might be less linked to MDD and more to the other underlying issues that a lot of MDD sufferers have).

In the past I worked at a very coveted organization which was very difficult to get into, and my boss thanked me both verbally and in a series of emails and I completely ignored it because it confused me and I thought that it was almost false/unreal. And a few weeks later when I became better adjusted to the work environment. I found myself feeling that inappropriate blinding loyalty towards her. 

It's a difficult thing to taper especially when you're trying to be professional. I have a lot of anxiety that I'll let it slip through the cracks and everyone will see that there is something wrong with me. Anyways, I guess as long as we distill our thinking and keep trying at maintaining healthy response mechanisms, we'll be alright.   

Ohh, we could have a long and nice chat about rewriting something. When my friend and I started to work on our book, it wasn't really book, more like an RPG forum game. I was obsessed with role playing back in high school, it seemed like the perfect place for a daydreamer like me. Obviously I wasn't avare of maladaptive daydreaming back then, but maybe the fact that I started to have real feelings towards my characters, or I went for window-shopping to find clothes for them should have been alarming. But then again, I went to art school, everyone was crazy. My school was like eastern european Hogwarts where every student is a Weasley. I believe we wrote more than 5000 pages, and we are still not closer to the last page than ten years ago...

(You would be a great J. Bond. I totally forgot that name was in the page link... whatever. Sophia Black is my real name- well, my name in english. I changed it to Escarei because I use this nickname a lot and since it doesn't make sense to anyone else it's usually available. And let's not forget the fact I study national relations and some of my teachers were actual spies and when they start the class with - Sooo, I went to facebook and looked at your pages- you just know, ohh shit, this is going to be nice. Especially if your profile picture is you as a nerd with a pink overlay, a galaxy background and a flower crown. You should probably forget I mentioned that picture...yep, just forget that picture. So, yeah... trying to reduce the number of hits in case of a google search I guess, probably doing a shitty job with that. :D)

I'm 25.. that's a quarter of a century, as my dad would say NICELY...ehh. My profile picture is an old one, I was probably 18-19 when I took it. But seeing your age I think I have no place to whine to you :D. I also thought you are younger, 19 maybe.

I'm drawing all the time, my books are full of doodles, and I travel a lot by train and instead of studying I use the time to satisfy my creative needs. I'm unable to finish a drawing tho... but I'm like that with almost everything so, no surprises. 

I wanted to ask you about your writing, it's obviously pretty good. Did you ever wrote a full story? I thought I read one of your blog post about it but now I couldn't find it. 

Hello! I'm so glad you're feeling better, negative thoughts like those can drag anyone down, especially when you can't get away from them, not even in your daydreams.

I'm happy you found my drawings good, I studied art some years ago... oyy, MANY years ago. That's it, I'm old. 

(Oh, and I only played with that dreadful flappy bird once for like five minutes, but it was enough to convience me that it came straight from hell.) 

Of course not! :) I actually had missed your reply. 

Ye, Bastille are really big now. Dan updates their instagram and twitter - which just fuels the obsession haha I am on a Bastille diet haha. 

Dave Grohl is awesome. I remember being obsessed with "best of you". 

But I guess a lot of people do the celebrity thing, not just mdd'ers. 

Hey, yes, I have been successful in avoiding major triggers. The mountain I'm struggling with now is procrastination. I have all these things I want/need to do but I avoid , avoid, avoid...

I have had several people in my dd world. A recent obsession was Dan from the band Bastille! 

With regards to your hobby, there are people that make good money off youtube. They are now professional youtubers. So I think there's definitely a financial incentive there...in addition to it just being fun :)

Lovely to meet you, Jessica.