Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I guess everyone has something the others will envy. I don't know what I have like that, but there must be something. 

Well, good thing you know the basics of dating. I don't even know that yet XD. So, the start of my romantic life is gonna be messy XD.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wake up, out of MD, and the atmosphere suddenly feels different. I look back at my actions, they're just stupid. 
I remember everybody looked at me like I came from a different planet. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I totally regret living in other worlds. I would've had a much better life and career direction today. I probably would've been together with someone. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I honestly don't think I met the right guy for myself yet. Everybody else chucked me for the same damn reason. I must admit, I don't blame them today. But it seems rare to find someone who can withstand my demeanour. You can look like a beautiful movie star, but unless you have a listenable tongue on you, you're crap out of luck. 

My grandfather wasn't the smartest man ever. He was a simple man and was a homebody, but he knew how to talk with my grandmother. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You're lucky you found your tribe, I envy that. It's very hard for me to find my own people. It's probably just because I didn't get involved. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Watch who you envy. My life is not perfect. I may have climbed out of MD, but my life is a rock bottom mess. I may have to start over, which sucks. When you decide, "I want to study art," it comes with these consequences. I really wished that I had learned a skilled trade in the first place. But I jumped around reading text books and dabbling in all sorts of creative courses, I didn't make sure I grounded myself in learning practical skillsets. Apparently, taking up applied arts will not particular stick, and years later, you will eventually forgot about it. 

I was also free spirited as a young person, looking forward to the excitement of life to start. What I didn't realize is that life is hard and you should never be flighty on it. That's the mistake I made, and now I'm paying the price. I feel ashamed and embarrassed to ever mention this to my peers, who are today now in better shape than me. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I honestly can't find the energy to keep going in life, due to this, and I'm looking for ways to change it. I feel a change of environment would be good for me, like moving out of my parents' home. But I don't have the means to do it. I guess I'll end up a late bloomer in life. I kind of envy you, that you got out of it XD although I'm happy, I'm also envious XD

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah I know, I've been through similar. In the program, everybody else created professional looking designs and my projects were half ass crap. I got C's and should've switched to another program. I didn't bother to take courses every 6-12 months, and then would up in hot water with employers. It was so inevitable. I feel like such an idiot. It's all because I was in la la land and didn't strategize on finding the correct path. When you live in your head, your too smug and self-satisfied to care. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, as for me, since everyone else took engineering, I followed them like sheep and took it myself, not realizing that I wasn't cut out for it. It only led to me feeling depressed and I feel like I'm suffering from anhedonia because of MD. 

At the back of my head, I wished that there was a way I could earn whilst playing video games. I thought about streaming, but realized I didn't like it because I can't engage with my audience at the same time I play. And I also realized games was something I did for feeling good, and if I get stressed because of that, I won't feel happy at all. Maybe that might've been a stupid thought.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

That's it! I jumped into a program without doing any occupational research on careers and a professor at my school warned me that it will take me faith to have a career as a graphic designer. He felt that I wasn't driven. So I wound up screwed over the past several years. Didn't get back into taking anything else, which is regrettable. Now I still live with my parents at 35. Probably I was discouraged, or not motivated, and I just wanted to make a living. Thing is I didn't really want to think. I just wanted to enjoy living and working. I was fed up with college processes, tuitions, deadlines etc. Regardless, I didn't do very in the graphic design, because I had no real passion. 

Another thing, I don't think I knew what I wanted in my 20's. I originally wanted to study fine art, but my dad was hesitant that it won't make me any money. So he persuaded me to go into the design stream. Trouble is I didn't double make sure I'd be a good designer. So when I took up jobs after graduation, I disappointed all of the employers and clients who I worked for. In fact, some of them were mad at me and felt I didn't understand the economy of speed and principles of design. I look back and I just gag at their reactions.