This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Kiruba Victor on August 11, 2021 at 9:39pm

Wow, your sister's a real social butterfly huh? I wish I could have a relationship like that. I've not even gone on a date or had anyone interested in me romantically. I wouldn't even know how to spot it if someone is interested in me that way. I'm not a party person too. My college farewell get-together will be coming soon, and I can already imagine what I'm gonna be like over there. I honestly don't know when will I get to be in a romantic relationship, and I was successful in not thinking about it about 2 years back, but now it plagues my mind to the point where it has become the central focus of my MD.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 11, 2021 at 8:07pm

Maybe she's just got something that I'll never have. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 11, 2021 at 8:07pm

I can't say I never found my tribe in Oakville. I met my art teacher and protege with her large community of artists up north here. I just never met a guy in that realm who was interested in me. My sister has got it easier. She met a guy who lives in town, he's white and young, and she's going over to see him. Baked some fresh brownies for their get together. I've never had a relationship like that in my whole life in Oakville. I blame it on my issues with speaking up for myself. I've had people compare me to talkative women, even my sister. I guess that I do have a big problem. Maybe I'd be meeting whoever this person is someplace elsewhere, possibly at work or a learning environment. I never had luck at parties, dances and social get togethers. And people take a look at me and can tell in a split second that I'm socially awkward. My sister isn't socially awkward and she's a great conversationalist. And she's extravert, not introvert. 


Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 11, 2021 at 11:57am

I'm in bad shape for 35. I mean, I was 20 a good 15 years ago. I hoped I will get ahead after earning my degree, and I had lots of jobs, not only in design. They kept letting me go, because I performed and communicated poorly. Some of them actually found out I wandered. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on August 11, 2021 at 10:45am

Yeah, I'm still at the infancy stage of it all. I've just finished my bachelor's degree. I hope at the end of it all, I will have lived peacefully and did at least 50 percent of the things on my bucket list.

I feel that 22 is the infant stage of adulthood. Life has so much more to throw at us, I bet I'd be a much different man at 35 than I am now.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 11, 2021 at 6:56am

These things are hard to swallow for us. Real life will never look like our fantasies. They never have for me and never will. All I did was not do what's right and embarrass myself in front of countless people who noticed exactly what I was doing. I got remarks, but no good results. I wasn't even well liked. I decided to shut off MD and saw the naked truth around me. Now I have to start over. It's sucks, but it's better than making everything worse, by continuing to daydream. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 10, 2021 at 5:31pm

I didn't ever appreciate what I had in front of me at the present moment. I found that I went off someplace else at every moment in my life. So people felt like I was bored and not happy to be around them and want to talk to them. Thing is, I took it all for granted. I didn't know what I had until it was all gone. Now I realize what I had was golden, in comparison to what I face right now. My past may have been troublesome, but it was much better than my future. It's so ironic. I was thinking when this covid-19 shit is over, I'm going to look for my tribe. Start a new life for myself. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 10, 2021 at 1:04pm

I always made up how I think people will get when I'm on the scene. Trouble is that I didn't get any outside world experience around others to make certain they won't react negatively on me in an overbearing way. I was very naive and didn't get out that much. So there I go. 

I am also in denial about this meeting your one true love idea. I think it's all about committing yourself to a person and sharing things in common with them. Something I wasn't ever successful at. Seeing that people split up and go onto another relationship. Since our generation is so introvert and live on a computer, fighting to support ourselves and get by. And everybody finds a partner at certain stages in their life, depending on our life situations. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 10, 2021 at 12:18pm

I hate to break this to myself after a decade, but I'll never be a good designer. I'm too afraid to tell my dad. He thinks that I'm excelling. It's the opposite, I'm fading. I wish the moment I lost my first two design jobs, I start looking at other school programs. But my mom gave me a hard time, because she became fully aware of my daydreaming disorder, back then. It kind of set me off pace and I decided to just work for a while. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 10, 2021 at 11:37am

I envy them especially because they have lives and I don't. I blame myself for just sitting there and drifting, instead of making decisions and taking action. I guess it was my fault, but I didn't want to do it all alone. Thing is when you don't socialize, all you got is yourself to fix your own mistakes. When I was your age, I was too stupid to ask myself the "what ifs," I just assumed I knew what was up ahead. That was a dangerous mistake on my part. In the modern world it's how you play your cards. 

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