Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I can't seem to get myself motivated to do projects, as if I'm uninspired. You have to constantly keep it up, like you can't stop, or else you sort of idle along. My last full-time contract ended last June, and all I've done is apply, apply, apply. I remember at my job of 4 years, I was always jumping into a project first thing in the morning. My point is that is what covid did to me. It made me lag.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Kids and teens can be terrors, they're not old enough to realize what they do to other people's feelings, and they have no idea what goes on in other people's lives. They are probably looking back now, and feeling like a bunch of idiots. Point made, dealing with bullying and isolation only makes us more mature. 

I expected after college that I was going to start-up in a creative agency or company, and then start dating a guy and get married. It was a total disaster. I learned the design industry is rapid and challenging, so I got taken out of several contracts. I hoped to get somebody's attention and we'd get to know each other, but I didn't have any social skills and talents. So it went through the cracks and I was single for a long time. 

I did want to travel places to and take new things with groups, and this didn't happen either. I was introvert and inexperienced, and I argued with my mom a lot, who thinks I can't perceive my way out of her house. Why do mom's just say no to their kids? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, as someone who keeps getting compared to my more successful cousins, I feel what you're feeling and it hurts. So hey, I'd rather have one less person feeling that way.

I've found my group of friends after a long time. It happens when you least expect it, actually. So maybe, finding a date might also be that way for me. I know that I'd be willing to get to know people and not judge entirely from first impressions, but I do expect that the other person reciprocates the effort that I put in, even on a date or in the relationship itself.

And yeah, I was jumped on when I was bullied in my teen years. They knew that I was awkward, and everyone in my class isolated me and kept on teasing me, for their entertainment. It was sadistic to say the least. It shaped a big part of who I am. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I know we're all tribal, but I knew a lot of people and they sort of gained on me so aggressively in a ruthless way.
Did you have problems like this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The challenge is finding a selective group, and the right person, who can get over how I appear and sound, and have the patience and endurance, and integrity, to learn more about me from within. I am open to expressing myself verbally, if they do give me a chance. Next frustration is where to find them. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thank you for that compliment. I greatly appreciate it. It clears things up. We all have our strengths and weaknesses. I think we tend to compare ourselves to others so often, and should really focus on ourselves. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, it's not like you chose to daydream, right? It's a coping mechanism, to deal with emotions we couldn't face directly at the time. Don't be critical on yourself that you daydreamed. You had no control over it. Now you have conquered it too. So, don't be harsh on yourself in that way. 

Your sister may have some good qualities but you may have some of your own as well. So yeah, you'll find people who appreciate you for you. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I kind of feel as if life is passing me by.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I was 18, I looked forward to an exciting future of art and traveling, and freedom. But I was daydreaming! Then my mom found out what I did. Now she's like this big rock in my road path, deciding what to do with me, even through I'm already an adult. Life life turned out vice versa. It wasn't happy and exciting at all. I stayed at home for years after college, struggling to become independent. I kept on getting knocked off jobs for the same reasons. I really never should've daydreamed...that was a big mistake. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, I'm jealous of her because she doesn't have my issues. Though she is a late bloomer when it comes to dating. She's those brilliant type of women who focused on her books and studies and left relationships for later. If she were a blonde bimbo, then I'd hate that. 

People were warning me all my life that I don't talk much and I don't look smart. I was so optimistic about my future and hopeful that what I want will still happen eventually, I just wound up very shocked and sorry in the end. 
Now I'm wise and realize not everything is what it seems. You have high expectations like that, just look forward to being disappointment. This is the real world. 

I also feel like my MD was terribly in vain. I just spent years staring into the distance and yearning for things to happen. Francine knew what she was doing and just went for it. And it happened for her. So I feel like a real big idiot. And I mean "Dumb and Dumber."