Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Try not to be complacent. I used to be at your age, and I sadly didn't get anywhere. 

I am having a bad day.

Our Bell landline stopped working and we had to get an IT service guy to fix it. So we were all snaky and impatient all day. I had no access to the internet to do college research and job hunting. 

My mom acted up on my MD ways few times. She caught me talking to myself twice and caught a very subtle smile on my lips and wondered what was so hilarious. I was trying to open a bagel in a freezer bag and she thought I was being so weird and that I might puncture a hole in the plastic, so she told me I'm on another planet, for like the umpteenth time. I got depressed later on, because she was sharp toned and jumped on me surprisingly at me with every comment. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I have phases where I feel no one cares. And it hurts. I've also closed the door to the past and now I don't actively think about it.

I just finished my degree, but I'm still complacent, so I hope to get into action ASAP.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I realized why many picked on me mercilessly when I was a kid. Being lonely is very bad for your health. They must've saw I had trouble making friends and then made my life hell. Especially with how how quiet I was around them. 

It's great that I closed the doors on the past, but wish that I did this sooner. I regret pining over my teens all through 2010's. I wish that I just got on with it. 

What bothers me is that I still haven't managed to change my life and continue to live in a rut. This isn't what I had in mind, and wonder if my mom thinks there isn't any hope that I'll grow up better and progress into independence. What do people see that I don't? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm actually glad that I'm deciding on a secondary career now. Otherwise, if I stick to the same occupation, and I'm struggling, I'm going to be in trouble. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I was still doing MD when I started going to work, which was regrettable. It wasn't hard for them to realize what I was doing. I've had customers notice that I was in another world. I let it show! I once worked at a burger joint that was booming with loud classic pop and rock music, and it stimulated my imagination, so I honestly couldn't help it much. So I avoid jobs with loud radios. 

I never realized I made other people think there is something wrong with them. I always felt they found something wrong with me. It's amazing the things that don't cross your mind when you have trouble fitting in. 

Professionally I'm very concerned. I still haven't found a job and could be going to community college in January. I'm not getting any positive feedback from employers and I'm applying everywhere. My dad comes in to talk about progress with job-hunting and career decisions, and I'm doing my best. It makes me wonder where I'll be at this fall.

I feel guilty for still living with my old parents. This shouldn't be happening. I'm stunned this is how far I got.  

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, I hope that I'm at least able to control it by the time I go to work. I'm afraid it might end up as a pain in my neck. 

People react like that because they tend to think that it's something wrong with them. But they can do us a favour and realize that it's us who need help.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Some people even made a drama of my situation...just because I was quiet? They weren't even sarcastic, just overreactive. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I just didn't socialize. I was emotionless, untalkative and stiff as a brick. Even if I did get involved in curling, drama, swimming, and such, people still remarked on how quiet I was. Like they thought I was being so weird. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

There were a few mishaps with me before. It didn't occur to me that I physically had to be actively involved outside of the house in the correct group activities to find people like me. I kind of joined the wrong crowds at work, sports and class time, and didn't sort out what type of interests I could join where I can connect with people who are more in my tribe. Instead I was introvert and didn't talk much, always sat on the porch or did things around the house, but didn't go out. My dad told me about this in the first place, when I was 13, but I was so damn ignorant back then. Now I learned my lesson. Everybody I know is now married or has partners, all except for me. They socialized. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I'm exactly the same. If they also engage equally, I can chat like crazy, but if they have a mean vibe, I shut down.

People realize that this is how I am, and they don't really care anyways, except the ones that matter.