Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

No, I meant, what would your parents reaction be?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Travel the world. Basically. 

[Kiruba Victor]

And what would that be?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I often picture how my parents would react if I just hiked out for a while. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Wow, that's quite a journey you've made in terms of self improvement. I'd say I've probably done about half of that, but I still have a lot to experience.

I just hope that I can survive, in the end and will have lived happy, by the time I die.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I do want to move on and make a life for myself, but I feel like I have to fight for it, compared to others. I have to fight for the right to be my own independent person, because of what everybody thinks of my mental health.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I learned a lot from doing MD. I've lost people's trust and interest in me. It kept me home years into my adult life. I failed to prove myself in the workforce. I wasn't able to drive a car. It arrested my growth and development. 

MD might make you feel happy at first and helps escape your current circumstances, but in the long run, it eventually makes your life quite depressing in a regrettable way. I just hope I will get a second chance out of what I've learned. In a way, it's no different from drugs and accidents. People will know and it will spread around. It will do a bit of damage. 

In future, this won't be happening ever again. I will prevent it wherever I work, travel and meet people. Hopefully, I can still get my life up and running like before, and this mental disorder will be a thing of the past. Apparently, I've lost everybody who witnessed my MD and social anxiety, so I will have to find a new crowd of people to befriend.

 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I also had it with my old daily habits. If I get frustrated with my routine, I'll boot off down a trial to the nearest coffee place, and visit the lake, before I round back. On the weekends I'll buzz around on my bike for miles, stop at stores and eateries, then get back home. But I don't ever recall going on a dinner date with a guy or visiting his place, or partying with a bunch of people. I've always been independently on my own.

I mean, my sister has the social skills I wish that I had. If I didn't suffer with Asperger syndrome, I would've been a different and liberated person, leading on a totally different life. How come I got it, but my sister didn't? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I had a very soft, cushy and comfortable childhood with no cares. But I wasn't taught any disciplines and responsibilities. I wasn't told to get a job at 14. I didn't take on leadership roles in camps and programs. My mom babied me until I was 18. And I lived a very sheltered life. 

I was a very content kid, but I didn't reckon that once I become of age, I need to grow up. My Cushy existence will be over and I will have to take charge of my own problems, make sure I'm making my own money and listen carefully to what people are saying. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I honestly don't recall what I've done around everybody when I was busy living in my head to understand how I made them feel about everything. It's as if they didn't know I was in my own world.

I blindly confided myself that I was going to get out there and find myself, and be successful with friends and a partner, without even trying it out first to make sure it all works.