Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I find if I initiate a conversation with someone, they may not understand what I'm getting at. It's like a cold wall between us. I do try to explain myself better, but it isn't easy. I get very frustrated as a result. Whatever form of language in your head doesn't always make sense when it comes out verbally to another ear. People end up knitting their foreheads and go WTF or they stare at me blankly for a long, long time. They eventually don't want to go there and change the topic entirely, and then go on maybe talking to somebody who can actually speak English for them. It could be because I simply don't talk that much and never practice. I had problems where I didn't finish my sentences and the person whose listening will suddenly look at me like I'm an idiot. Usually a guy. 
Others are deeply angered and biased that I'm so quiet and will not give me a chance altogether. I've heard them complain about how I sound when I talk, like I literally haven't spoken in 10 years. That my voice is dry and cracked and mutter-ish. Then I try to speak up, and they're like "Hugh...what?"  It's very disillusioning in quite an offensive way. Maybe I never realized how I made others feel being around me. I mean, these are real people who are giving a reasonably honest and factual response to my issue. It just hints that I need to work on myself much better. I happen to be a Taurus too, and they can be stubborn when it comes to changing their ways. 

I've never mentioned all the MD stuff going on in my head, and don't even have to. I know for certain that they're not going to take it nicely. They'll just wonder if I'm quite OK or maybe even panic. If I were more like my parents, and didn't MD at all, I probably would've lived a much better life by now. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I'm still in my phase of limerence where my MD makes me feel needy. I don't know why, but sometimes I feel that I'm the only one who initiates conversations. People rarely initiate conversations with me. And it hurts hard. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Wait, no no no. I'm not into it yet. I just said that if I did enter one, I'd do my best to value it.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You're in a relationship, congrats. My sister is in a relationship too. With me it seems to be a 'never.' But never say never. It may come when I at least expect it. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, there's quite a couple of people who MD. We're quite a community, may I say. I'm trying to make some friends in there, but I'm afraid they may find me boring.

Yeah, my past did shape me in a way. It made me more compassionate and made me value every friendship I have. Hell, if I got a relationship as well, I will value it good.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I can tell that nobody else has our problem, because they're way better off than us. I wonder if that's why they constantly criticize. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I get this bad sleep inertia in the morning. It takes me 2 hours to full wake up. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

As they often say, "The past is the reason of who we are today."

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I didn't realize how damaging MD can be. It actually effected my whole life to extent I still depend on my family. Even after I stopped, it leaves a mark. My mom still comments that I look 'gone' and have to reheat my coffee, and my sister complains that my eyes are dazed. I'm aware that we do it because we feel cut out, but I could've got real help for this. 

I'm not surprised people can't get into us. I understand they're not psychics. They have lives, things to do and places to go. I just thought I'd meet someone who wants to know me better. That wasn't ever there. I'm just wondering if I wasted my time waiting around. Like I should've just focused on myself and pursued my life. 

Now my mom thinks I need a psychiatrist, and she won't even let me try to be an adult, like she doesn't really trust me. I don't understand how things got so hard. She used to encourage me as a teenager before she found out about my MD. 

Does everybody around here just look at me and go, "She's weird, is she with us?" I'm honestly disappointed in my adulthood, it's like an echo of my childhood. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, like I said, most people have little patience to uncover mysteries. So, they give up early. Sometimes, they think it's them and in order to not have those thoughts, they take it out on us. Else, we're smart. People just don't have keys for us XD