Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Do you ever deny the truth sometimes? I've spent years trying to get up the ladder and make my life better. Regardless, I keep on meeting people who almost instantly think something is wrong with me. Whenever I do go for opportunities, all everyone sees is my appearance and actions—and the fact I'm quiet and don't listen. They don't give me a chance, think I'm weird or crazy, and don't even like me, or trust me.

I am a gifted artist and my art community praises me on this. There was this time I was going to meet a young girl at a restaurant about storybook illustrations. She was with her mother, and I came all the way on a bike, since I can't drive. So I wasn't chatty and as her daughter was discussing the book, her mother looked at me like she didn't like me at all. She bluntly told me I'm quiet and they are just throwing ideas on the table. Later that evening I heard back from the girl that she passed the project to somebody else. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Another thing, getting older bites. Enjoy your 20's. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I believed I was going to change as a grown up, and I'm even more unshapely than when I was younger. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My MD life seemed to make everything very bad, in contrast to how I wanted my future to look. I made a lot of people very angry and frustrated, and not like me. I went nowhere both professionally and romantically. I didn't ever venture out of my region much, except to the family cottage. Like real life has taken defiance of me. This has taught me not to go off and dream. But my mom knows all about it now and I'm stuck here.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm getting a taste of my own medicine. I live with my dad, and he's got to be the quietest spoken person I've ever met. He talks at higher decibels, especially under pressure and in big conversations, but when he's laid back and relaxed, he sounds so boring. I can only guess this is how everybody feel and why they acted so badly when I didn't say much. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to pretend I was cool as a teen by dressing in certain clothes and shoes, making up my face, and going to school dances. But I was truly a timid and quiet person who didn't fit into their crowd. They were super outgoing and interactive, and I was socially awkward and not interactive. So they bullied me anyway. 

What prevents me from asking guys out is the impression I will be giving them. Most men largely make fun of my quiet demeanour, timid nature and lack of eye contact. And I'm not exactly a sexy girl. I normally wind up going with plain looking men. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Oh hell yes, I did. Like, I tried to seem "cool" in my teens, by pretending that I drink and smoke and having a girlfriend back then, when in reality, I did none of those things. Looking back in hindsight, it was a stupid thing to do and I cringe at myself whenever I remember that. I have some beliefs that may seem "uncool" but I'm fine with them now. Like, every good person has a lot of good things in common, but they differ in the smaller details.

The only thing that's preventing me from asking women out is the fear of rejection and the fear of things being awkward even as friends after that. Else, I believe that I'm "date-able", so to speak. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Have you ever believed in being somebody more than who you really are? Have you tried to be somebody else your just not? When you should know who you really are and what you seriously need to improve on? Have you felt set off when you've learned that this person you wannabe has so many traits and strengths that you honestly lack. You realize why they are actually in a far more superior situation than you for those reasons. And you may not live up to their standards. But you know for certain you have loads to improve about yourself, in order to be a much better you. We are all unique the way god made us. So it's up to us to get better. 

My point is there were moments in my life where I actually pretended to be other people. That is until somebody came along to wake me up, and tell me what they really think. I used to get so embarrassed and ashamed with how they reacted on me. They were usually aggressive and direct about it. 

This goes with trying to pursue my professional ambitions and seek a relationship with someone. People try to put me down and tell me I'm no good. I don't have what it takes. They make me feel like crap. I sometimes end up buying it or start arguing with them. Truth is, nobody is going to know your satisfaction, but you. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I've been having problems with my head lately. I either get awful tension headaches or my head starts to feel tired and sick. Other times, my head will go back to normal, bus usually in the late evenings. Like it's really conditional. I wonder if it has to do with diet and exercise. I've had these problems before at 25. When I started working actively on my feet, it went away. But it seems to be periodical, especially when I'm cooped up inside and inactive. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, yeah, I make sense of things in a different way than others. Some understand, some don't. I try to serve it in a way that fits everyone's "mind palette" (I just made that up XD). Topics do change, and sometimes I won't realize when it changes. That's when I know I had a good conversation.

I don't really believe that a zodiac sign will determine how we are. I'm a Gemini myself, and I don't think I fit the description entirely.

Yeah, people know zero about MD, so I don't talk about it to people who I'm not too familiar with. Only the closest few of my friends know about it. And the MD community in large.