Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I do recall I had a very soft childhood. However I don't remember having any warm moments with people who aren't my family. All except for my closest friends. I've been cold shouldered by so many people. It's probably due to not having anything to say for myself. I never believed it to be so hard to make friends and start a family of my own. Everybody seems to throw me a biased or critical look and say "no." 

When I'm working anywhere, I instantly get taunted by the person in charge, because of my performance and communication skills. It's like I think I can be someone I'm just not, and I prove myself wrong when I'm actually around real people. It's incredibly discouraging and daunting. It makes me want to stick my head in the sand. 
It just comes to show you have to work hard to be a well liked and respected person.

Ever since I finished college, I expected to grow in a career, and I just ended up falling on my face repeatedly, as though I picked the wrong career. Meanwhile my dad can't believe that I still haven't flow the coop. He expected me to start a business and graphic design, but I find it so hard to tell him the truth. He's going to blow in my face. I seriously wished I never took up graphic design in the first place. It was a big mistake. I've let down a lot of clients, that is so embarrassing. 

I wish that I grew up in the real world a bit, even if it meant babysitting or sweeping a floor in a salon. My mom cuddled and spoon-fed me until I practically came of age. And I resent that. It's no wonder I still live with her today. 

This part of town and park I grew up in used to be my whole world, and I was obsessed and glued to it but I was supposed to grow and travel after high school was over, not worship the natural backdrop trees and walks ways beyond my house. Am I okay? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The last thing I ever thought about is how I sounded to people. I was always chilled and relaxed, and thinking my own thoughts, but didn't recollect that everybody was reacting badly towards me. I didn't understand what the bullying and gossip was all about. I guess I was the introverted type who preferred my own thoughts over talking. But it never occurred to me that I sounded boring and tedious to absolutely everybody, not to mention very stupid, which is why they were so angry and frustrated, or super curious. Regardless, everybody was insinuating stuff that I couldn't read or understand. So I thought they were being picky or something. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I honestly prefer to be working full-time, than hitting the books again. It would've been better if I continued school in my twenties. But I'm not as sharp in my thirties. So it's harder to get back into the drill of college. Regards, if I don't get hired by October, then I'll have to consider. 

I can't tell you how existential I feel right now. It's very unpleasant. I feel like my life is a void with nobody there and the pandemic doesn't make it easier. Luckily, I am immune to the virus now. So I can get out without worrying about getting sick. 

I just realized today why I didn't get along with anybody growing up in my town. They didn't find me smart, friendly and outgoing. I seemed kind of afraid of them, or they guess I didn't like them. 

I honestly need a new life. I can't stay stuck living in Oakville. Everybody I grew up with are now gone. There is nothing to do here and you have to go on the internet to find friends. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I understand. It's really hard to get a job without the pandemic and this only made it worse. I selected my degree carelessly. I didn't know what I was interested in. Existential crisis, you can say. 

As far as the people thing goes, well I'm better but I want to be more. I feel, as cringe as it is to say it, my MD will reduce more so, when I get into a relationship. Else, my limerence will still be there and it's keeping me in it's prison.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Career wise, I regret my attitude towards school, and had a serious lack of judgement in choosing an occupation. I went into a field that was too hard for me. I honestly don't use my degree that much. I'm actually a lousy graphic designer. I'm really a an illustrator. I think my dad and I both hesitated when I was selecting a program. I thought over what career works for me in my gap year during college. Problem was I didn't think carefully about what I was doing, because my mind was on the moon, and I was complacent towards something I knew nothing about. Now my dad thinks I'm well versed with extensive experience and is stunned at why I'm not successful. I'm afraid if I tell him the raw truth, he's going to be so mad. He is aware that I do need a second career option. I held this on for a decade, but I just don't feel happy in the graphics. Thing is, I do enjoy advertising,marketing, marketing, PR and digital photography, and hope to look for a job that meets my skillsets. 

It's so frustrating during this pandemic when you're trying to get ahead, and then everything slows down and people lose their jobs, and you practically have to start over. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think I had it coming for doing MD. What I face today is my very answer. It only leads to thankless outcomes. It made me look like a total kook to people. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Have people just stood around you and stared at you for a while, all because you're quiet? I used to have people stand or tower over and stare down at me all the time—because they couldn't get a word or reaction out of me.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to doubt everybody getting all critical on me. I hate to think of it this way on myself. But I wonder if they were 'right.'

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel the same way about my future and the pandemic. It's quite scary. The last thing you want to think about is living in your cousin's basement 10 years from now. I strategize every single day to prevent these concerns from solidifying. Regards, I tend to me on the lazy side, and I fear that's what's killing my hope of excelling in life.

My MD life will always look much better than my real life. As I know for certain, I won't be well favoured and respected by others, being who I am. I can only do my very best. 

Lately, I'm having a major existential crisis. I think I've lost sight of who I really am, after years of fantasies and not paying attention to people, nor finding myself out there, like my dad strongly advised. Stupid of me not to take him seriously, but there you go. Can't say if this is a premature mid life crises or a prolonged quarter life crisis. That being said during the pandemic, which makes it so hard for us all, I'm not having a very good time. Wondering if I should return to school and train for something else. My career in graphic design has been a huge bust. I was warned that it will take faith. Super discouraging. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, for me, if I can relate, then I'm quite boisterous and if I can't relate or I'm intimidated, I go quiet. I think there are a few people whose life I have positively impacted, but there are phases where I feel no one wants to talk to me. I feel that most of the time, it's me who initiates conversations via text, and they rarely text me back. And given my phase of limerence, my mind craves for it. And it hurts hard. 

I try to be cool ("gangsta" is the exact word for what I try to be at times), but in some ways, I'm not cool and I've only halfway accepted it.

What prevents me from asking a girl out on a date, is mainly the fear of being rejected, and things being very awkward after that. Like, honestly, I have no idea how do some people stay friends after breaking up. I know that I do look decent. And I know that I will value the date definitely, will do my best to please her, without losing myself. But that fear has gripped me tight. 

I honestly don't know how I'm gonna enjoy my 20's. This is the phase where I set things up to earn and make a living, and here I am, earning in my MD world but not able to take steps to do so in real life. I still don't know what I like, my only credible skill is my good english and problem solving skills. I fear what's gonna happen in the future. And the pandemic only makes it that much worse.