Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I cracked the mystery of my past when it came to being teased so much. Everyone saw that I was sitting or standing about all by myself, and they never saw me hang out with friends, nor talk at all. They found it awkward and pitched in to help me out. I recall some guys jump landed right beside me and a girl trying to sit with me and have a conversation, but I pulled away. I think they found me timid and too quiet for their liking. Like all of them found me this big oddball. Now they're all married with kids, and I still live at home like I'm 12. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, seeing as you've resolved to set things right this time, I feel that you will do well in the future. I'm still in this prison of being drained and I'm attempting to do something to change it.

As far as leaving the comfort zone for relationships, how do you ask somebody out without fear of rejection? That is my biggest problem. Else, I could ask someone out on a date.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm really afraid of how things are going to turn out. If I don't get a job this fall, then I'll be training for something new in January. I didn't expect I'd wait months and months to be hired again. I'm just stunned right now. I'm  on employment insurance for the third time. I've been locked in old memories for a while. It's about time I stepped into a new growth cycle. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Seeing that I used to live in my own world, and just about everyone brought it up. I'm so glad that I quit this nonsense now. At my age this is getting really embarrassing. What I thought was so very cool, is suddenly not so cool now. I grew up in the head of Jessica, not realizing what the hell went on around me. Perhaps I was too young and underdeveloped to take it all in fast enough. People are always hinting things, and I never know what it all means. I noticed that I've honestly never changed, not one bit. 

I realize the only way to find friends and relationships is to leave your comfort zone. That is the last thing I did. I regret not following my dad's good advice. So I plan to ditch my old bad habits, and do better and newer things that will get me noticed. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have a few horror stories to tell when it comes to being bullied for my verbal skills. Everybody used to scream at me with laughter and give me hell. They say kids can be cruel, but I've met some adults that got pissed about my speech as well, and gave me a hard time about it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Me too XD. I don't feel like a real grown up. It puts me to shame. My parents think I'm acting like a baby. I was so excited for life to start when I was 18. Apparently, I didn't get the idea of get an education, so I can make big bucks someday. I just thought, "I want to be an artist." 

I was geared on achieving my goals at your age—but the fact I was daydreaming—my mom was furious and wouldn't let me off the hook ever since. I'm sorry I ever picked up MD. Every morning when I eat and drink, she talks about how often I wonder, which is why my coffee cools down. 

I find it surprising that people who stutter have no trouble finding relationships. They are equivalent to us, as they sound short of words too. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, it does feel hard and that scares me. Makes me doubt if I can handle it. I'm still a kid trapped in an adult body. So I hope I don't fail miserably at it.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, tell me about it, depressing and unnerving. I'm a ripe age of 35 and I'm still scared to enter adult life. My sister is an old soul and she is very good at it. On the inside I seem to be a young kid. I actually thought I was going to be ready when I became an adult. Problem is I didn't adapt properly like most people do, and take it on my upbringing.

I honestly don't want to feel deplorable in adulthood XD. I do want to experience life, but not in a bad way. Why should we and what's the sense, when that's the case? Adulthood isn't easy and is full of ups and downs, but doesn't have to be depressing. 

 

[Kiruba Victor]

But now you've evolved quite a long way and started acknowledging it. So that's good in a way. I have acknowledged my faults in some ways, but I still have a ways to go.

I'm scared to enter adult life now XD. People say it is depressing and I don't wanna feel that way. But I guess I have to suck it up and get over it.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's lame really. My dad has been a traveling architect and he thinks my situation is lame. Yet mom thinks I can't do it. 

My park zone used to inspire me and reminds me of movies of my youth, such as Lord of the Rings, because we have this bright sunny horizon over the Great Lake and harbour, seeping into our neighbourhood. Now I feel I've gotten kind of silly then.