Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, but I have to make amends for past years I could've done better. I still have no career success, which is not good at 35. Even my people skills need a tonne of work. I have to make up for the fact I've been mentally ill. Scary thing is that my soon to retire dad is counting on me to shape up and excel in my field so I can finally move out of his house, but I'm still not ready. Not only that, I may need to switch careers, because I'm just bombing in graphic design. When I picked this program in college, I don't think I was quite in my right mind. 

I have a best friend my age who also still lives with her parents. She didn't do so great in terms of high school marks, so she took an extra grade 13. She got accepted to Waterloo University to study drama and was there for only a semester. In the winter time she flunked all of her courses. The deadlines put knots in her stomach and made her hyperventilate. So she had to get a refund and come back home. She then went to Sheridan to take up Advertising and Marketing, and then she tried to pursue library studies, but none of these worked for her. Since then she took part-time online courses and worked in retail. Right now, she's a cashier and sales associate at Home Depot. 

Basically, I went to one college, took up a year of fine art, another year of hands on crafts, and three more years of graphic design. I wish that I took up a secondary choice of career in another school. But I had that episode with my mom over my MD the summer I graduated with a B.A. in design. Since then, whenever I did get a full-time job, she'd warn me if I showed them what's wrong with me, I will get fired. She even talked me out of taking classes, thinking I'll just zone out and not pay attention. I have no clue what her outlook is like today. But I sure hope she'll give me a chance, in case I get accepted to another college. 

I really feel bad that other peers I know attended two universities, but I guess they were very smart people. Not very many people go to 2-3 universities in their lifetime. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, good thing you've moved on from the past. As have I. Well, at least the bullying part. I still feel like I don't have the energy to take that next step yet. It's like learning swimming as a kid, when dad drops me in after holding me up. I'm shaking just thinking about what's gonna happen.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I didn't ever read between the lines with the reactions I received by others. I was so complacent that when someone poked fun of me with the truth of the matter, I just shrugged and thought it was bullshit. I can do better, how bad can my future be, I'll still find someone. What I was waiting for didn't ever come around. I look back at the past now, and remember what everybody said to me. I wasn't ever there to consciously observe and record it all. I believe whatever nonsense went on in my head without a second thought. I was even content that I wouldn't be in any serious or sad situation up the road. I was just a person that rolled with the punches. Now here I am in my thirties, wishing I did everything differently. I totally regret not paying attention to people and taking my education more acutely. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I almost chucked my daydream life, it seriously effected my train of thought, sense of logic and perception of reality. It made lots of people not like me and think I'm insane. It also put a damper on my relationship life, and prevented my from driving, and my occupational life has even gotten critical, because I've been out of college for years and haven't worked much for months. My brain health needs loads of improvement and I honestly need to exercise way more. I mean, it's hard to say how I look on the outside. I never know what people are thinking when they meet me. I can't say that's my fault. Others can be so damn judgemental. 

I honestly don't know what happened in the romantic department. It will always be a mystery to me. I'll have to get adjusted to the fact I'm a relentless singleton. I mean, I actually feel Ok with just being myself. So long as I don't get caught on to those stupid romantic fantasies I used to have. Honestly, I don't think I have a soul mate. I happen to be a very self-partnered person. I think I was meant to walk through life this way. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The interesting thing is I no longer feel hurt and sorry for myself that I'm single and alone. It's having a soul purpose in life that's important. I feel that self worth when I'm accomplishing my projects and goals. It's a good feeling. No other person can make you feel happy and satisfied like you do. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I've finally got over my bad memories and past regrets. I'm aware of what happened back then, but the important thing is I learned why nothing worked out and hope to prevent this in future. I think while I was developing, I didn't have all the answers and wasn't as socially educated as my peers. Plus I was suffering with Asperger syndrome, so it effected my verbal skills. I didn't know how to express myself to people without them rejecting me in their groups. They just didn't like how I sounded and that I didn't talk so much. And it didn't ever occur to me how painful it was for them to listen to my voice. 

I also didn't listen to my dad's very good advice. It can't escape him as to why I was always sitting in my room, instead of getting out with people and getting actively involved. 

I spent 35 years indulging in my own thoughts and fantasies, instead of interactively opening up to people. I believed that my beliefs will materialize, and that was impossible. Now in future, I have to do everything vice versa to get the things I want, if I actually can. Hopefully, I can find a guy who understand all this. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I went sort of nuts with my MD. It was a cycle of mental illness I got sucked into between ages 12-35. I should've known it is harmful to your health and life. All people saw that I was someplace else, talking to voices and laughing at things, which weren't there. I was supposed to get psychiatric help and I embarrassed myself in front of many people. 

Regards, I'm looking at things in a whole new light. Yes, Oakville is so mundane it hurts. I can't say when I'll finally get out of there. Getting it through my mom is tough, and when I finally attempted to launch my own life, I wonder what she's going to say. 

I've never did go on casual dates with anybody, though I don't like the idea of seeing people who will eventually break up with me, after a few nights out. I prefer everlasting relationships. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, firstly, happy birthday to your dad. And yeah, for me too, Muscat now feels mundane and I want to explore more of India now.

Yeah, I've seen 2 of my classmates get married so soon, and while it does make me feel bad, I do realize that I have some idea of what I want. I don't think I'm cut out for casual dating. Because, from where I'm seeing, it feels like knowing when our time will end and living with that knowledge.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Something changed about me today while I was getting my dad a birthday present. I used to be a person of her own world. The land area where I live was this setting that defined my world. Time has passed now. Everybody I know has lives of their own and have been places that I haven't seen yet. I come to realize what kind of a world I lived in. When I got back home, I realized the place I grew up in doesn't intrigue me anymore. It was once a scope of my imagination, but now it's just another recreational park that everybody else takes for granted. It's about time I grew up and got a life. Saw other things. Get out of that world. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm so afraid of what my parents are going to do with me. I get a job and then I don't stay on long. Then it takes me months to get another one. Next thing I know, I need more training.