Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My vision when I was 20 was to get married by at least 30. I get the impression that it's just never happening, because nobody is ever interested in dating me, and nobody is attracted to someone like me. That really hurts, because I thought I had potential there, but I guess not. My dreams did not come true. That hurts the most...and it seems what I was thinking about was very personal, and meant nothing to anybody else. I"m just extremely disappointing that it turned out that way. Instead I looked all crazy doing this MD stuff around others. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

If I hadn't let people get to me. Like they manipulated me and tried to get into my head and stuff. If I hadn't let them get to me. Just ignored them and studied hard, and quit dreaming. My life would've looked so much better today than it currently does. My health would've been better. I probably would've got married and had kids at this point.

Those kids all lunged at me because I was quiet and timid, standoffish, and I allowed them to give it to me. I should've known they were just bullies who were using me. Little children who aren't fully aware of the world around them yet. 

As for my daydreaming, I wish I told my parents when it got started, and sought professional therapy. I shouldn't have let it roll on that way. No matter how happy and utopia your dreams are, they will not guarantee a nice future, only a depressing one. I didn't stop to see nobody else does this but me, and they will find out that I do it. 

On top of that, I spent too much time in my cocoon. My dad told me to get out of there and get experience. Make a some friends and relationships. But I had no social skills and that was discouraging on such a young person like me who has Asperger syndrome. I honestly wasn't a super outgoing person. And people often stared, laughed and commented on this anyhow, whether I was involved or not. So you often saw me in my studio. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's like I played my hand wrong. Didn't get my facts straight. Jump to so many false assumptions. Didn't take important things seriously enough. Now I"m here. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wanted things to come true out of my MD...only trouble was, MD was a disorder, not a promise. I should've known all along, but while it ran in my head, it seemed so beautiful and spiritual. When it occurred, I felt a warm, heavy, buzzing sensation in my head, like being on muscle relaxers. Then a person would look at me and comment that I look like I'm in another world. When my family eventually found out, game over. Now they're convinced this is what I do in my day to day life, even though I already quit. Moral is, you do something stupid, you bust everything up, especially when it syncs into people's acknowledgment. I think people react badly when I don't listen, because it's disturbing to them as to why I'm not with them. Like it's very strange and curious, even very concerning to them. They communicate and socialize all the time and they know what world they should be in, otherwise they're in trouble. 

Be honest, have you been in situations where people have berated you so loudly and abrasively, even in an emotionally overreactive way, when you've been daydreaming and not paying attention to their current activity? 
I've dealt with Canadians who were like this, and it made me ill and my stomach flip flop, just watching them lose it over what I've been doing. Just because I was daydreaming???

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It hit me when I turned 35. I'm not the same very young and energetic person I used to be. Like I'm starting to slow down. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My mom knows what's going on with me, so she's not surprised I still live with her. My dad on the other hand wants to leave the house at some point. And he warns me they both won't be around forever. So I'm doing everything to keep me prepared for the future. If I don't get a job this fall, I'll be training at a school in January. I'm still deciding what programs is right for me. 

I don't even see friends. I talk to you online and my friend on the phone, that's it. I don't really daydream anymore. I feel it steals my attention from things in life. I kind of have a direction, but I need to find out what I do best, because I'm floundering in a few areas. 

[Kiruba Victor]

So do I. I also have an existential crisis now. I don't know what I wanna become. All I ever want to do is play video games and just daydream and spend time with friends. I feel like I don't have a direction. I don't know when this will go, but it feels scary as well as comfortable, if that makes sense.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm OK. Sorry, I can sound dramatic. I'm having a major existential crisis as of now. I'm not sure where I'm going next. I'm throwing the dice whether I should return to school or nail a full-time job. My sister just got accepted to Guelph University and I'm so happy for her. I really wish I could feel the same way for myself. Day by day I apply to new job posts, work a graphic activity or paint, and I keep in touch with my career advisor on picking training programs for this winter. It's not much and I wish that I had a life. It's not normal for a 35 year old to huddle in her cubby hole, in her parent's house, and just wish on having it better. Of course, these are weird times and everybody's pretty well doing the same thing. 

If I could afford to move out, I'd move miles away from here, because Oakville is such a mundane place to live. I wake up every morning to the same drill. I'm lucky if anything extraordinary and different ever happens. Hopefully 2022 will be much better. I just hope that I will pull it together, make sure I'm not in trouble. That I know what the hell I'm doing. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm kind of freaking out. Maybe mom's right when she tells me I live on another planet. I have this habit of getting things the wrong way around. It's like I lived in a ferry world, or something.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

To be honest, I really prefer a job that makes me happy and comfortable. Challenges are good for you, but I'm anxious about attempting to do things that are over my capabilities. If you want to get ahead, do something you can do. Not something you evidently keep flunking in. My mistake was taking up an occupation that was too difficult for me. Now I might need to start from ground zero.