Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

What I hate to think is that my current situation is official. I do want a brighter future, not this rut that I'm living in. Trouble with me is that I wanted to be a full on artist, but didn't get that it's not a real professional, and without a real solid education and work ethic, I'm bound to get nowhere. I used to get frowned upon for not being good at math, history and science. Not to mention social interaction. My dad pressured me all my life to work hard and do better so I can get up the ladder. It can't escape me as to why he allowed me to attend to art college if he was so worried that I would not have a good future. Still to this day I'm struggling, especially in this pandemic. 

In the personal zone, I feel as if I just don't exist to people. Like nobody knows that I'm there. It leaves me to think that my MD life is codswallop. Why I can't find my own tribe or crowd, meanwhile other make fun of me about it, that is just beyond me. Also people act like they're so right and I'm always so wrong. Currently, my parents have no idea how I feel, because I just don't talk. 

I honestly can't understand how it got to be this way, and if I can still improve who I am as a person. I'm no Debbie Downer. But it seems to me all artists suffer. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I basically just got rejected by everybody for the same reason. I didn't want to talk at all. I remember them sarcastically asking, "Do you know your name? Do you speak? Are you smart?" I have to admit, I was just a child, which is only fair. Things don't pick up and make perfect sense until you're an adult anyway. I didn't even know I had Asperger syndrome until I was 30! So I had no idea why I couldn't speak up enough. This condition could make patients almost unverbal, because they are preoccupied in their heads, which was my case. But in a way, it greatly impacted my life to an extent I failed to support myself like real adults do. Whenever I do work onsite, I've had co-workers and bosses complain that I won't communicate or do anything correctly. So they will pick on me and give me a awful time. And then I lose my job. It is the same with romance. I had trouble finding dates or getting on with anybody, because they didn't like that I appeared so quiet and serious. 

So it's frustrating that I just go through life like this. And it's painful to think I'll never get what I want for these reasons. In spite, we are beautiful people on the outside, it's the beauty from within that you must give. I'm actually so shocked...because I thought I was going to be like my parents and grandparents. Get married and have kids. Like any normal people do. And it breaks my heart that this condition is making it impossible. It's really a kick in the face. How did we get to be like this? What do other people have that we don't?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I recently turned 35, and it strikes me how I've changed as a person in contrast to the past three decades living in the same hometown. I was absolutely transfixed with where I lived, but now I hate it. I remember my old behavioural patterns and habits, and how much it bothered people. My extreme silence didn't make me any friends in these parts. I'm stunned how seldom I did anything about my future. I nearly just copped out from studying and working very hard to get ahead. I actually used to think my prospective partner will find me here, which wasn't the case. I had to go out and look for it myself. Meanwhile everybody has lives, all except for me, because they weren't living on another planet. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I took it too much by the movies. I expected things about my life to be picture perfect or I wanted to see things based on my expectations. All I got was nothing...I saw nothing. Is it because I did nothing? Even if I tried to do something, it didn't mean I was always successful, or maybe those people didn't like me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I don't feel like my old usual self. My whole world and view of life is suddenly changing drastically. This was going on with me all year round. Maybe tables are turning at some point?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My past was so embarrassing. I do need to start over. I didn't do well in high school, because I didn't stay focused and spoke up about my progress—and my head was in wonderland. I went to art college, looking forward to being a full-time painter, but then I took up a hands on crafts program that didn't guarantee I'll make any money. And then I switched to graphic design, after being warned the occupation is a speedy and challenging industry. Then I failed to become a graphic designer, because I wasn't very good at it. I let clients down, embarrassing myself and shamed my parents. On top of that, I was an excessive daydreamer and I made it show! Leaving my mom to think I can't achieve anything out there. Yet my dad has always had faith in me. So he still helps me to this day. So I honestly didn't play my cards very well. I lived at home for most of my adult life, because I couldn't afford my own place with the salary I was making. Then covid hit and I have no job at all. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel like I don't fit into any crowd. People think me I'm the quietest person they've ever met. And they don't even want to be my friend. Well, during my MD state I imagined being people who I totally wasn't in real life and I can still be in their shoes, somehow. It sucks when you wake up and the whole things was all a dream. You look at yourself and your life needs vast improvement and you need a new persona. And you need new friends. Next thing, your life is flipping over to a new chapter, and you wonder what to do about it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I hardly ever had crushes on common day people. I do recall crushing on a popular school boy and a co-worker, but that's just about it. I've actually had a lot of strong crushes on movie characters portrayed by actors. I'd watch interviews of the actors to see how different they are by their characters. Of course, I don't know who they are. And I realize that I've been crushing on their character, and not them personally. My crushes on celebrities don't last any longer than 6 months. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, right now, honestly, I feel like I've no control over my emotions. I feel starved emotionally. I started talking to this person on Facebook and we've been talking quite well, until I realized I might develop feelings again, in the same way, I did for my crush, 6 months back. And I'm scared as to where this will lead my mind, being an MDer.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I just thought I'd meet somebody out there who'd care...