Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm 35 years old and made so many stupid decisions in my life, which I now regret. I wasted years of life in a profession that I suck at. My mom doesn't trust my mental health, and people eventually find out too. I DO have an idea what I want to train in next and hope it all works out. It's very hard to get a job and I'm not actively working. Originally I wanted to get married and take care of the house and kids, because I'm such a dunce in the workplace. I really just wanted to be a full-fledged artist, but my dad was so concerned this won't pay for my bills. Why didn't I go to a community college in the first place?

Another thing, I never saw it until now, but I had no clue how people were actually viewing me from the outside. I live in my own world, so it didn't dawn on me, my peers and everyone felt I needed to shape up and toughen up. I lived in this house and area with no perception with what's been going on around me—in the real world—and why people dissed and mistreated me. Not to mention, my dad spent years telling me to get out of my cocoon and get real experience around people. I wasn't listening. I was very complacent and optimistic. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Even today, I had panicked when I realize that I've wasted 2 years of my life, and now I'm quite confused on where should I go in terms of career. It's so scary actually, that I contemplate just being a house husband often.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My mom has been bringing up that "I'm living on another planet" so many times I lost count. I'm sure other people would too. I grew up believing I'll be fine and still live a normal life. I'm terrified when I go to work in person or get involved in an extra-curricular activity, a crowd of new people will pick up something, and think I've got issues. I'm really getting embarrassed. I'm a grown woman for Petes sake. And I'm acting like a 10 year old who needs a psychiatrist. Everyone knows you need to get your head out of the clouds and your feet to the ground. But we MD'ers are so thick. We don't get the horror that can put on others, especially those who have kids, such as my mom. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This may sound random. I compare my experiences and disillusionments to Jurassic Park. When industrialist Hammond created the theme park, he felt it work out somehow and no harm will come to people. Then things went so very wrong, and people seriously got hurt or killed. 

I had this kind of attitude starting my life out in Oakville. I had no respect for the power of the real world around me when I was imagining things will be Ok and dandy, and I'll get chummy with everybody. Instead I met so many jerks who didn't understand my special gift and couldn't honestly tell I was smart - cause nothing came out of my mouth most times. Plus I acted clumsy and baffled by the systematic challenges given to me, so I just got frickin bullied and run over. These weren't just kids...it was people in general too. 

It comes to show nothing about life will look anywhere close to your mindset and fantasies. It will blow in your face. In fact, not only did I get disillusion by how seldom I connected with others, but growth and adaptability into the world. 

I mean, YOU got to be GOOD and know what the hell you're doing. Gotta know the ways of the world and Gott know people. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I want to get busy again. I want to get back to work. Break time does sound good, but overtime it is bad for you. So if I don't find work this fall, I'm going back to school. Next year is going to be totally different. Being at home all the time is driving me crazy. My mom is quite strict towards my mental health. 

I have a few phone and zoom interviews this week. I'm geared to target that job I'd really enjoy. Who know where I'll be in the next four months. I can't believe we're already in the last quarter of 2021. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think people can easily tell just by looking at me that I'm a reclusive person with no friends and partner. They can instantly tell by how I behave and sound. Like they're not dummies. Even kids have done this. It's as though all my life I revealed to everybody who I am and how I live. After all these years of speculating why I can't be a part of their world. I'm looking at them from my side of the fence, and they look at me from their side of the fence. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is my fault. I spent too much time in my room, didn't pay attention to people, didn't talk and socialize with others, and expected real life to look too much like my fantasies. It's no wonder I'm stunned. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The whole point of being happy and enjoying life is to share it with someone you love. It's great to share this with your family, but without romance in your life, it's like there's a part missing. I waited my whole life for this, and it just doesn't turn up? I must've of done something wrong. Maybe I burnt people up and made them super critical, because they simply couldn't get a word out of me. But I could've changed if someone was patient enough to give me a chance. That's all I'm saying.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I haven't socialized with a crowd of people for a while, at least not since covid broke out, although I did take a pastel course last autumn. I haven't made arrangements to see people in group settings yet. I actually can go ahead and do this, since I got my two vaccines. But I am afraid of what people are going to say about me and I fret they'll start bragging on about my lack of verbal skills. Let's face it, I'm an introvert. 

Another thing, I don't feel any real passion towards graphic design. I do like advertising and do better in that field.
I never stuck to a company long enough to afford rent. I just feel like I'm in the dead wrong career and I need to reconsider school and consider an alternative course of training. Don't waste your life choosing the wrong career path. Some people don't find out until they're 30's and 40's what they want to do. 

My cousin was always great at computers, and he took a software engineering program, now he's an IT assistant helping others with their technical troubleshoots. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Hey, I'm sorry for the late reply. Had a bad situation yesterday.

What happened was, I attended this farewell party of my class, and immediately I felt out of place because almost everyone was drinking and was smoking weed immediately, and me who doesn't have any vices and won't have in the future as well, refused their repeated attempts. They kept saying "one sip, that's all", but I was strong in saying no. Eventually I felt really left out, and even the fellow non drinkers were their own gang and had just ignored me and left. Had it not been for the qualifying race on F1, and a dear friend on Facebook, I would've broken down probably. So I was feeling really bad about it, and I was coming to terms with it.