Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to be so drawn and captivated to the location where I lived. Now I want to get out there and see other things. There is actually nothing to do in my hometown. Surprisingly when I was so much younger, the park I lived looked so big, vast and beautiful during the sunrise. Lots of popular block buster movies came out during my junior high years, which really inspired me while I was learning. All of my peers and friends were around and life was carefree. We were all having fun. I also enjoyed taking art classes with my long-time art teacher. Cool things were happening back then. But I was this spoiled brat who had no clue of the harsh cold realities out there. I lived in the same town years into my adulthood and the park used to be a scope of my imagination. Now when I wake up, this whole place does nothing for me anymore. Now I sweat and fret about my future and what is going to happen to me. All that charm is all gone. And I've seen this place so many times, I'm just sick of living here. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's the first impression I give a person on the first encounter. People will not give you a second or third chance. They will immediately tell whether or not you're an idiot. Trouble is in the past, the first impression I gave everybody is that I was a very quiet person. So they wondered if I was stupid (period). That is probably why I rarely had any friends and relationships in my lifetime. Apparently that is the way it is with people, they will not have the strength, patience and endurance to try to learn about you better. I've never met a person who was so persistent to want to know more. Regards, I've had a guy who kept asking the same question, such as "Hi Jessica. How are you? Good?" 

Good news is that I've over the past, and I'm over my MD world. So I'm mentally aware of what to do around people in future. What worries me still, is that I'll always give others the impression that I'm not very expressive in words so much and that I carry on quirky. I've had people redicule my bodily movements and facial expressions, as well as my verbal skills. I was always so embarrassed by this. Although, I must admit it was my fault for not practicing. 

I have to admit I dealt with social pressures. I made attempts to socialize in crowded meetups, so I'm afraid of what others will think of me. Low and behold, some were pretty genuine and I was able to converse with them. On the other hand, I've had people who randomly came over to embarrass me simply for not smiling XD. Usually, when I just want to sit down and chill out, and get caught up in thinking my own thoughts. Otherwise, I can start to get very quiet, so someone will point out and comment I'm being extremely quiet. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's pretty bad. My mom has reservations and it's not hard for any adult to find out what I'm doing. I didn't use my brain when I started MD. I was too young to be aware of the real world. Now I'm almost sunk. I'm also scared that it's difficult to get a job. And lord knows when I'll finally earn my independence. When the cows come home...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm not in a daydream loop—I better not be! I tend to still fall into a fantasy while I'm doing something. When important responsibilities are thrown at me, in real life situations, I still notice I'm not 100% there. I'll start to wonder, but at the same time, I have to concentrate on what I'm doing. Everybody I've ever met knows how to stay in the present moment, all except for me. That's probably when they overreact when I'm not with them. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I do notice that, but I'd be open since I'm also an oddball XD. I'm also awkward to start a conversation, but I'm good at continuing it. 

Lately, I've been anxious whether I'd have romance in my life or not. I'm scared to ask a girl out, due to fear that things will be awkward afterwards, since Indian women get defensive when the question is popped. I don't yet know how to see hints or signals that someone is into me.

As far as career goes, well, I'm trying hard to study and learn skills but I'm still in a loop of daydreaming.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This really bothers me. But all my life, everybody looked and responded me like I come from another planet. I had self-respect and found them the problem, but I'm just wondering if they were ever right. If you met me, but you're very nice, you may see something odd going on, but no doubt we're still good friends. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have a hunch. All these years I believed in fantasies. I had crushes on people I'll never connect and be with. The person I'm meant to be with would strongly have the same ethnic background as my family, enjoy the same cultures from our ethnic origins, possess similar assets as my dad, appreciate the arts, and is not in the NORM. Plus he wouldn't be offended by my imagination, nor will it bother him that I'm not a chatty person. It's like with my girlfriend Erin, who has a similar ethnic background as I do, isn't typical of her generation, is very gifted and literate, and we do share some things in common. I don't even need to take far strides and big lengths to go find him. The universe will decided when we'll meet. It did for all my best friends. So I'm just going to let this come. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I find it surprising my mom didn't find out I was a daydreamer until I was 24, and this has been going on since I was born, only it got stronger starting at 12. I do recall she worked night shifts and slept in the day. Meanwhile I was always at school or left with a babysitter when she worked in the day. I guess she was too tired and busy to notice and understand what's happening with her kid, plus I was always a very quiet person. So it was very hard for her to easily find out. When I was 24, I was finished with college, but wasn't working, so I stayed at home with my mom, who was soon to retire. For the first time ever, we were both home at all times. So that is when she clearly saw signs that I was daydreaming—then she gave me that talk I never forgot. Since then she gives me a hard time over achieving anything, as she is still worried others will catch sight of my space cadet ways. 

Similar thing went with my peers, even my sister. They were seeing and hearing things from me. They weren't quite sure where I was in my mind, but they witnessed my inappropriate laughter, traveling eyes and whispers. They even made remarks that I wasn't listening up in class and expressing myself verbally as I normally should. They wondered if I had an imaginary friend or lived in a galaxy far far away. They earnestly didn't want to befriend me, date me or know me, because I was acting like such a freak. Meanwhile I was upset, frustrated and baffled as to why I can't fit in and be just like them. This is why I was doing MD in the first place. It's awful when we just don't understand each other. Whichever way you put it, they still teased and tormented me, and manipulated me all through school. I was the least favourite person of the class. But that was many years ago, and everybody has moved on to other parts and started their own families. 

This leaves me to look for my own tribe and share with them what's wrong. Although, I never had a man in my life, it's unknown when or if I ever will, as it seems like never, but don't we all think that when we have an extremely hard time finding a relationship. Meanwhile others pick on us that we are deprived, as it's very evident to them, so we have to learn to take care of ourselves. 

Quitting MD is the best decision I ever made, as it is not safe out there. Others will find out. It was naive of me to assume that I will not get caught in the act. It was stupid of me to think my future will happen like my MD life too. 
In spite that my family now knows what I do every day, I decided to put my past actions all behind me and start a new without MD. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I expected life to look like my idealistic thoughts, and I didn't do the correct things for myself. In fact, the whole time, everybody was making so many remarks that I'm not doing the right things, therefore I'm missing out. Regards, I did MD to escape the frustrations of not winning in life, therefore I dwelled on what I wanted in my head, but didn't take careful measures in real life to make sure it can happen. I jumped into a utopian landscape and nearly ignored the real world around me. Nobody could figure out what the hell I was doing and moved on without me, keeping alone and beside myself for years. I failed to find anybody who can associate themselves with my own situation. Meanwhile I looked like such a loner to everybody, they assumed I had problems with human relationships and laughed at me about it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I do want to be liked. I hate being picked on, it's so awful. It does depend on the personalities you're with. But I seem to keep getting everything all wrong, and that's why people look at me like I live on mars.