Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Everybody tells you to wait and be patient. Then you wait, wait, wait, wait. Probably don't see any results. I mean waiting is bad for you. Keep yourself busy and healthy. Don't just sit there and think hard about what you want and need. You're just going to get physically and mentally worse. Believe me. At least you're doing the right thing of keeping up with college. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I daydreamed way too much—excessively. And I didn't sit down and rethink my problems with daydreaming and why I do it. I can only think it's because I felt socially cut out. Friend circles and relationships just weren't there. Plus I got heavily made fun of by others about it. But it greatly impacted everything going on in my life, instead of anything getting much better. So I was very hapless as a result. And then I was in hot water with my mom. I mean, it was a disaster. Now I'm fighting to survive like you. I realize that I have to support myself and live on my own, so that my dad can retire. Things are very unforeseen right now. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Lately, I'm feeling empty and afraid. Just this week, I've haven't been feeling like my usual self. I used to have this 'world' going for a while. The area where I lived seemed to be my whole world. Now I realize that 'world' no longer is. And I stare at the naked truth. Everyone I grew up with are now living their own lives. It's as if I was so preoccupied dreaming that life past me by and I kept falling into my parents shadow. In a way, I didn't GROW, due to this. It puts to shame and fills me with regret that I went and did something like this, not thinking twice of the danger it can bring to your health, but also people's trust in you. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Hey, I just had an existential crisis yesterday. I realized I don't know what I want to do and that I have to start over from scratch for everything. It's like all I ever wanna do is daydream and play games and that is messed up. I'm gonna start some internships somewhere for content writing, at least for expenses.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I got my degree in graphic design over 10 years back, but feel that I drifted out of touch with training and knowledge. Whatever I learned in that program, I let it sit and go stale, and I didn't freshen up my portfolio so much. I still show some old work from early internships, and even college classes, which is embarrassing. I do have a portfolio website online, but it just sits there. Meanwhile I'm applying to tons and tons of companies, but I'm not being accepted anywhere. Like they find my application rather stupid. So I'm planning to return to college in January and take up a building design technician program for a year. That is if I don't find work this fall. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think I've spent my whole life believing in a head full of lies. Like I didn't pay close attention to what everybody was saying about me. That All they could see was that I wasn't a talkative person. My head was booming with music and pictures, so I wasn't of sound mind. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

We both have something in common. Neither of us behave like real adults. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You know what. We can both go and daydream. Real life just doesn't look like our fantasies and never will. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm starting to get claustrophobic. My family moved me to our town 29 years back (1992) to fulfill my reading skills at a private school. When I turned 18 and started my art studies at OCADU, I figured that I was going to travel and study art and go on adventures in other countries. But I overestimated my strengths and abilities, and my mind was frequently somewhere else. My mom had no idea until I graduated from college at 24 and she reacted strongly on the fact that I don't live on the planet Earth. Ever since, she had my under her foot, and talked me out of doing anything drastic. This is why I still live with her at a freakishly late age of 35. Now I am sick of living in my hometown and want to move on. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's just tattooed all over you—your a daydreamer.