Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm confident I will find one person to date casually with, but I can't guarantee anybody else will be interested in me, other than my 'real boyfriend.' What I mean is my twin flame. I had bad luck with guys from the very start. It's not going to turn around, ever. The first impression I give everybody is that I'm too quiet. I figure they find me boring and stupid on the outside. It's a wake up call that my MD didn't mean anything, is no match for reality. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I wanna try casual dating, maybe even hookups for that matter. I'm a virgin too, and some of my friends aren't, and I'm envious of them. So yeah, it feels like I lack something in life.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You'll find this article interesting:

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/lifestyle/lifestylegeneral/are-childhood-...

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I lived in my own world too. I felt everything I could find is on the south west lakefront of my hometown, and I was totally wrong. You have to get out there to find it. Talk to others and get socially active. I was really dumb. I just kept doing my own things and keeping to myself in my room. What did I expect? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel your pain. I had my chance to try casual dating in my youth, but I was quiet and nobody liked it. I hate to admit that I'm still a virgin. If I had known how I was really impacting everybody with my verbal skills, I would've sought therapy. This was actually the reason that I began to MD. It was always the same, I just kept on being refused by others. 

I do have a problem with boring or angering people with my lack of verbal skills. They start gossiping or shouting aloud at me, or calmly make a comment. I've had a few people have major outbursts or breakdowns dealing with my silence. 

I do have dreams where I'm so scared I'll spend the rest of my life all alone and living quietly, never seeing friends and even my family members don't pay attention. And then my health will succumb to this. 

My MD looked so happy, beautiful and so good to be true, but it wasn't ever real. It pulled wool over my eyes. It actually made me believe I was going to live happily, enjoy the arts and start seeing things up the road. Nobody ever noticed me or was aware of what went on in my head. They just thought I was on some other planet. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, I'd love to try casual dating and all that, but I'm afraid I might be too attached to the person in question. Casual sex is also the same thing (Well, I've never even had sex, so it would be like super weird in the beginning, I guess.). 

Besides, I'm always afraid I might end up boring or annoying people at times. Because I get too excited and start going out of my way often. Which is something I shouldn't really do.

I'm also having daydreams where I'm afraid I might end up alone and everyone would leave me. And it's making me feel so bad that I don't feel like doing anything.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Maybe, I'm that kind of girl that goes straight to marriage. Skipped casual dating and relationship experiences with people, because I kept throwing people off. That's probably why I've seen nothing before 35. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

So you can see why I had no relationships, even got married...well, marriage is a different thing in comparison to casual sex and dating relationships. The person loves you no matter who you are. Whereas when your seeing people, you have to be talkative and sexy. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Me too. I'm not the first to talk up. I start following after the person talking. I give it all I can. Honestly, I don't know that much about the world. So I talk about certain events and people in general, or what I think of the matter. I have this thing, where I don't talk on. I tend to say something, stop, say something, stop, and then leave it to somebody else to say something. Otherwise, I will just sit there and not talk. And somebody else will do all the talking. Overtime, I might really bother the person. He or she will give up. Tell me I'm quiet, and then talk to somebody else. Talking was never my forte. Thats why I had very, very few friends. Even those friends find me a very quiet person. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, that happens often. I started listening first and then talking, and even though I don't talk much, I can talk with respect to what's going on. I just don't know how to impress anyone.