Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Things didn't go as smoothly as I planned. My career didn't work out, my life went downhill, I didn't get engaged. Now I have to go back to college. I never moved into my own place. It's like I wasn't a grown up. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It hurts everybody just treats me like I come from another planet. Like they think I'm not being rational and in the present. That's why I lost most of them. 

[Kiruba Victor]

She didn't ghost me yet, but I'm afraid it won't be far off. So I'm bracing myself for the impact in a way. But yeah, it does kind of hurt.

I realized that I haven't moved on from what happened in college. I merely replaced the person of interest, but I still feel the same. A fire has been lit, and it's consuming me.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Just thinking, if I continue to carry these crummy habits, I won't get anywhere. I kept myself in this cycle, because I refused to change myself and make better decisions, therefore I lived in a rut for a decade now. As long as I carry on this way, I'll just keep on living that way. And I'll be seeing absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, my sister is growing up and getting a higher education at a university. She's seeing a guy and she's learning to drive around the province. She's younger than me, and yet when it comes to maturity, she's really the older one. She doesn't even approve of what I do with myself, she's thinks I have issues.

One thing leads to another. You start something that isn't good, it will ultimately put you in a boiler pot. You're going to lose. You just don't mess with the real world. I started MD at 12, but I was too young to understand what I was getting myself into. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Well, it's not an easy pill to swallow, when you realize, you have to start over while taking all that you've learned with you on the journey, after years of looking forward to ideal things that were never there to begin with. I pretty well wasted my time and had better things to do. I could've accomplished a lot in all those years when I just wanted to dream. People can't read minds if you don't speak up, even if I did, they would've told me to help myself. I honestly never met a man who was interested in me. I'm no heart throb, actually the opposite. 

I'm sorry to hear this person ghosted you. I recently dealt with somebody who lied to me this summer. I had somebody email me with a request to design a logo for her business. I fell for her emails. She actually turned out to be a scammer. I learned after I finished the logo design. I was let down hard that someone could do that to me. I was being used the whole time. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I totally understand, Jessica. I'm sorry I couldn't reply as I was a little bit caught up in my emotions lately. Someone I liked, stopped initiating conversations, and I fear they'd eventually ghost me. So, I'm kind of not feeling good, and drained. 

I'm happy you've come this much in terms of self awareness. I wish I was like that at times.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Excuse all my blogs, I had a lot on my mind, and wanted to let it out. 

I think I'll need to be a whole new me in future. I learned so much from my early adulthood. I held onto certain beliefs that are absolute nonsense. I did live in my own world. Truth is nobody could've related to what I've been doing with my head. They'll just go and date normalized people who are awake and alive in the world. 

Point is I'm not going to get very far by sitting there and expecting things to come along like magic. Obviously, I had to work very hard for it and pay more attention to people, and behave like a normal, civilized human. Daydreaming only brings you nothing but trouble. 

To be perfectly honest, I made a first-class fool out of myself by ever doing MD. It made me feel happy and brought joy to my life, but it eventually ruined me. It wasn't real, and it winded me in a direction I didn't want to be in. It put me in a rut and it greatly effected my health. I could've had a happier and better life without it, and I probably would've had a chance to experience a relationship, possibly even get married. Buy a house and have a kid. Achieve a profession. 

The point is I was out of it. And I learn this lesson as off now at 35. Hopefully I will climb from there and not make that mistake again. I will find my true calling and make a whole new life for myself. One that isn't living with my old mother who shames me everyday for doing something that isn't healthy and right. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm getting unsettling thoughts when I analyze my past. Everybody posed the same attitude towards me and I honestly failed to read their emotions. They had no feelings towards me and what I was facing, as if they found me completely pathetic. If the virus was over, I'd be receiving the same remarks and feedback today, and it all surrounds my stupid "mouth." It's as if people find something seriously wrong with me, so they don't find me the slightest bit likeable. They just keep assuming I need to sleep more or they wonder if I'm really OK. Bottom line is I don't come across as interactive to them. So they avoid me at all costs, if they don't get mean. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think my problem was that all I wanted to do was dream...but I didn't really put my head into anything. I just drifted along and did nothing...Meanwhile everybody else got on with life without me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have the feeling I'll never move out of this house, unless I get married.