Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You're in much better shape than I am. I feel like I'm sunk. It's like I was in outer space when I was making career choices and wasn't paying attention. Now I'm fully awake and choked up about what to do next. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I see why I get so groggy in the morning. I wake up before daybreak, roughly 4-5, or even earlier, and then I go back to sleep. I wake up at 9 feeling shifty. It feels so bad, and can last a couple hours. I should never break my sleep cycle. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I still haven't officially decided on a program. It's getting overwhelming, applications are due in November. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Programming is easy if you can learn it. I tried, but it isn't getting in to my head well. I'm settling for business roles now, so that my interpersonal skills can be of some use.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I picked two occupational focuses that aren't the right fit for me, Drafting and Programming, so those are crossed out. I considered Interior decorating or design, but the second career program I'm in can't find one that's 52 weeks long. So now I have spend this week researching another occupation. Ugh. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, people are far off and the pandemic doesn't make things easier. I'm considering installing Bumble or Tinder again. So let's see how it goes.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I can still go out and see people, full vaccinated and with a mask. I just find it awkward looking to make friends, when their first impression is a "mask." I heard this pandemic will hold up until 2023, and I won't be waiting. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My sister is going over to her boyfriend's house for dinner. I've ever been over to a guy's house to eat and stay over, and sleep. My sister socializes a lot more than I do. 

I wish that I can go out and meet guys, but I'd have to wear a mask, you can't see my face. Francine found her boyfriend through online dating. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, as for me, I'm nervous to ask someone out and I don't really know how to do internet dating at all. 

So it's tough to get dating now. But the need is still there regardless.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's creepy, but I opened my head to my past. I used to not understand why people behaved how they did around me, and why I was such a target. I think maybe, I was the weakest person in all of my schools, part-time jobs too, and I didn't come across as socially normal in comparison to the other students and collegues. So I got bullied like nobody's business. Not only that, everybody was gossiping about me all at once. I think they found me a very unfortunate person in terms of friends and relationship, and they kind of took pity on me. So they got very mean, and abused me in a way it made them look better and feel powerful, as they had their own insecurities to deal with too. Basically, I allowed myself to get manipulated. Meanwhile, I lived in my own world, unable to perceive in people's emotions and the realistic world around me. 

When I completed grade school, I felt the freedom of doing things I wanted to do, but I didn't keep in mind, it is very hard out there. Just because I got to attend art school to become an artist, didn't mean it guaranteed a happy future. For one thing, what kind of salary are you going to make painting portraits? I should've immediately considered a skilled trade after completing a year or two of fine art. Apparently, I made crummy decisions that didn't work out for me, and put me in my present situation.