friends don't come out of daydreams

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think the reason I daydreamed, because my MD life was comforting, with perfect relationships, creating a fantasy world, but it contrasted sharply with the complex, often disappointing nature of real-life social interaction. My imaginary friends are tailored to be supported, available, and constantly there for me. They never cancel plans, pose conflict, or fail to understand me, dropping it and taking off. Even through I know my MD friends aren't real, my mind can still feel real emotions—joy, love, and comfort—towards them, making the longing for them to be real and strong. Whereas I found this difficult with real live people. 

Real world friends have their own lives, problems, and flaws, which can feel jarring in contrast to the idealized characters in my daydream. The problem that I had is that I spent vast amounts of time alone to nurture my imaginary world, that I missed out on developing and maintaining social skills needed for real-life relationships. This probably explains why I'm such a cry baby that I didn't get married, nor even go out on dates, unlike my other peers and friends. 

Real friendships require effort, vulnerability, and navigating awkwardness. Daydreaming offers a "safe" place that requires no effort, often causing the user to abandon the effort of making real connections. 

However, the more satisfying the imaginary world became, the less inclined a I was to engage with reality, leading to deeper lonliness. When I realized that my best friendships existed only in my head, it lead to intense sadness and longing for connection. 

I've had situations where I was so quiet while I was in another world, co-workers, friends and peers just noticed that I was extremely quiet and all shut off, not desiring to interact and talk with them. They felt I was being abhorred intentionally, so they didn't like me and started to get mean. Even my family felt mutual feelings and started treating me like I was a bad egg, when really they didn't understand me. 

After college, and when I was out of work, I was at home all the time, but I felt so isolated and longed for friends and relationships—but had no skills and experience to get them. I look at everybody else online, and I feel so jealous, because they are normal, healthy and happy—and have real friends and partners all around them, all the time. Then I realize that they couldn't be living MD lives, or have my mental health, and they pay attention to people, so out-goingly. Whenever I go on social media, it brings me down. 

[Alec Souza]

Hey ! I hear you… social media is something that brings me down also, so I deactivated instagram for almost 2 years now, it’s good to be oblivious about peoples life, there’s so much out there of information that’s completely irrelevant to me…

The girl I like, she post pictures going out so I start to think she’s with another guy… my friends post pictures anywhere I start to think they’re going out together without… deleting insta took away that type of anxiety from me.

I think I won’t get to marry someone or even go on dates, I spent years without sex/real connection with a partner and that’s ok, I guess. My plans are far from this, I think I wasn't made to be with someone, my ups and downs are so strong that when I am down, rarely someone would like to be next to me.

I hope you find peace on your choices.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thing IS. The company I brought on bothered people too much—they felt I needed self-improvement. I am neurodivergent, so I don't understand what is socially acceptable and appropriate. So I find myself around people who pick a bone with anything that I do—that is weird to them. I don't know when I'm being weird or offensive, so I don't understand their judgemental stares, snarky comments, or lashes. Sometimes they are suddenly mad at me, look at me like I'm real lame, and I wonder why. Others are nicer, and simply make assumptions as to what could be wrong with me, but in a curious way, not that they are effected. 

I'm a very introverted person who doesn't really socialize and spend a lot of time on my computer. So I haven't been practicing and adjusting to social norms. People have lives, they got places to go and things to do, so they have no time to understand what I'm about. So I'll do something weird—then they'll make a face and say "Why do you do that. Are you OK!"

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think it either depends on our personality..patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. It's what we got that attracts people. I never had that. Some people are nice to me, but others are critical minded and mean. For example I'm a very quiet person who doesn't particularly approach others much, and I do my own things, but who cares. People like people who are social and show they like them. The friendlier, socially competent and more outgoing you are, the better off you are. People have to be able to agree with who you are. Again, I never had that gift.