Feeling like being someone else

[Valeria Franco]

Sometimes I have a strange feeling: I'm tired of being... me.

I mean, I'm tired of hearing the same voices in my head, the same chains of thoughts. Of being worried and anxious about the same things. The same insecurities. My reactions to situations are so predictable.

I wonder what it's like to have another mind, for once.

I feel a tingling sensation, which I interpreted as a need for change. Do you ever feel like that?

[Alison]

Oh I can totally relate to this. I feel that my life is going on, but not much is changing. This year is the first time when I started to push myself out of my comfort zone, but I am doing it in babysteps, while the problems seem enourmous.

It feels like I am still struggling to achieve the same things as 9 years ago when I still came here and at times it becomes frustrating. And that even though my mind and my social life have changed a lot since then (thanks to therapy and some wonderful people around me), things will never be right. I still struggle to find a relationship as well as make another dream of mine come true (which is actually nothing extraordinary for most people either).

Also I really hope that managing this site and other wonderful, insightful projects help you feel better about yourself! You've been doing a tremendous job, which we all admire :)

[Valeria Franco]

Dear Alison,

all my MD project do make me feel that I'm doing something good with my life, so it definitely helps, thank you for your kind words.

I think it's not just about feeling about with myself, but feeling stuck in my personality. Sure, time put a lot of pression. You're talking about feeling like 9 years ago, yesterday someone very close to me said "I feel like I've fallen back of 14 years". 

We compare ourselves with what we are supposed to have achieved at a certain point in life like there's just one path for all of us, a straight path without turns and curves. I'm starting to understand that life looks more like a labirinth! 

I wish you find your love and your dream in this maze we call life 💚

[Mina]

all the time

i wish i had a button to dial it down a bit

[Valeria Franco]

💜

[Source]

I'd say I have to deal with the opposite. The never ending tug of war between the forces in my head is all I know when there's nothing to distract me from it.

There is no meaningful, exhaustive definition of what I am. Filling that power vacuum is the fixation of so many conflicting factions of thought that it's impossible to make any actual sense of it, and it's gone on for so long now that sometimes I can't help but feel that it has devolved into some sort of deranged everyone-on-everyone festival of torture for the sake of torture. There is no true goal, no prize to be won, no victory to claim.

If you popped the question directly, I wouldn't know what to reply. Every valid answer is also false.

[Valeria Franco]

Your answer is fascinating and disturbing. 

Maybe you brought this topic far more distant than I intended (and I enjoyed it).

We may say that the "I" is an emerging property of all the different forces you're talking about. 
An emerging property is something that is more than the sum of its parts, something which is not present at all in its basic elements (like the "wetness" is an emerging property of water and materials, impossible to describe in terms of drops and molecules of water).

My interior life is more predictible than yours and so I feel stuck to it. But I see in your words how hard it is to feel so torn apart by uncertainty.

[Source]

It really isn't as chaotic as it sounds. When it's been going on long enough and you look at it from far enough away, you start seeing patterns in the madness. Constant, crushing uncertainty eventually becomes certain in its own right. These things have a way of sorting themselves out, even when said sorting doesn't produce anything worth calling a true solution.

You could argue that the lack of meaningful definition I mentioned is a defining feature in and of itself, and you'd be right, from a certain point of view. Zoom in, and you'll see the conflict and the indecisiveness, and it'll be obvious that there's no valid point of reference that you can use to paint the bigger picture. Zoom out to the point where the details fade, and that picture paints itself.

Fascinating, isn't it? The power of perspective, the sheer weight of the difference it makes despite being so malleable. Once you've understood just what it can do there's no going back, not sincerely.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

All my life, I imagined that I was somebody else. Maybe I wasn't satisfied with who I was, and certain characteristics of someone else seemed way cooler than me. Often, I wish that I had their brain and abilities. So in my MD world, I suddenly am them. However, in real life, that is anything but the case. People have encountered how undependable, irresponsible, immature, unsocial, rude, or issue-ridden I truly am, by judging my natural behaviour from the outside. I do have a form of AS and ADD, whereas the people I try to imagine being—they probably aren't disabled or Atypical at all. So I have to grow up and admit to myself, "No you're not that. You're YOU. Deal with it." Although, I often wonder what it's like to have another mind, it's not my mind to have. I have to improvise on my own mind. 

[Valeria Franco]

💜 Can we make a poster out of it? 💜
"I often wonder what it's like to have another mind, it's not my mind to have.
I have to improvise on my own mind."

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This might sound stupid, but for years I thought that MD was guaranteeing me a partner or a platonic soul mate. I expected this person to show up in my 20's or 30's, and this never happened. I threw away a lot of time I should've used to work really hard to climb up the career ladder—over waiting for something so hypothetical. So I kind of fell behind in life. Now I'm in hot water with my parents, because I have trouble finding a job to support myself and leave their house. So far, I'm slowly picking it up again, working in a side hustle with potential, luckily. Point is, it was always up to me and nobody else, but I was so thick. We all know, you save yourself, obviously. But I was a young kid who assumed I was going to have a family by 30. Problem is I didn't test the waters, I just sat around and believed. If I revisited those ages, I would've told myself to think about what I'm doing...and look at how others are successful to getting what they want, and that excludes drifting. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You need to reinvent yourself. Change your mental habits and train of thinking. Try new hobbies and interests, and transform your lifestyle. I find if I stick to the same old routine, I begin to get bored and don't like who I presently am. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I don't get out, socially. I'm always on a computer, like all day long. I wanted to make a breakthrough at socializing this weekend. My dad, sister, and cousin planned to see the movie Deadpool & Wolverine. So we drove out of town to see my cousin Jeff in his city. Anyway, I nearly disturbed myself the whole time. I couldn't talk very well, like my speech was broken, and I sometimes didn't finish my sentences. I was actually feeling tired-headed. Instead "err, um, eh, ugh, hmm" sounds came out of my mouth to fill in the gaps. Not only that, I wasn't listening very well either. I must mention I do have Asperger syndrome, and communication spills with us is frequent. But it was mortifying and unsettling at the same time. I even had a big history of people making fun of me for this. 

My sister does all the talking, she's very smart and verbal, and sounds her age. She talks about politics, science, world views, literature, and society. I'm surprised she isn't an environmental activist. So, I feel so blunt when I'm listening to my family. I have to say, it's my fault that I didn't practice. I must admit, I've had so many people criticize me for not being all that talkative. I could write a novel about it on the topic alone. 

Thing is I could've prevented this problem if I got out of my head, and lightened up on the MDD. That way I could've had a clearer understanding of how to improve on my social problems. To be honest, I was complacent. I had uncritical satisfaction with myself, and totally disregarded what will happen me up the road, if I don't change my ways. I stupidly didn't take people's great advice, many years later, and to this day, here I am the same old Jessica, dealing with the same old problems. 

So even if I am feeling like being someone else, I can't be someone else. I better learn to improvise on the person I was born to be.