Conversations in my MDD

[Silver Swan]

Whenever things get tense, and I want to talk to somebody about it, my conversation is always shared with an imaginary person. I can tell, because if it were with a real person, they wouldn't share that kind of  empathy. They'd look at me, go "Oh OK" and laugh, then turn back to their own doings, or maybe even look at me for a while and wonder what the heck I'm up to.

I'm a very quiet and shy person, and everybody notices this, so whatever goes on with me, they often just look at me I'm being a fool or something. I think, the only person who could really listens to me is my dad. He'll absorb anything that I have to say. Perhaps, my very closest friends will buy me and absorb what exactly I mean.

I have trouble communicating very well with most people, so they'll just give a blank look or knit their foreheads and ask "I don't understand what you mean?" Even my BFF tells me that maybe I don't make many friends because I am so hard to hear and understand. 

So this is why I talk to my MDD friends, because they aren't frustrating to get along with, and they don't totally embarrass me and make me feel stupid by deflecting what I try to say.

[Ulaan Gom]

I find myself in a similar situation way too often. Like I'll often communicate with other people in the outside world, but I'll fail to communicate my feelings, or what I'm trying to say, in an understandable and effective manner. Thus, it makes it difficult for a lot of people to get along with and connect with me, which in turn leaves me feeling somewhat sad inside. I then involuntarily turn to MD, which gives me intense relief for the time being, but leaves be feeling even worse overall, because later I'll more fully internalize that my daydreams aren't ever going to be real, no matter how much I want them to be.

This makes me want to seek an alternative. No matter how long I've MD'ed, I firmly believe that change is possible. I want to set up my real life in a way that it provides that connection and support I've been really craving. I'm not really sure how to get started, and maybe the first few steps aren't even necessarily going to be social ones. 

First off, I want to find things that I enjoy and that inspire me in real life, and spend time pursuing those. This could be working on art, or learning more about issues that really matter to me. Socially, I know that things aren't the best right now, it's not impossible for them to improve. I'll try my best to practice talking to more people (like asking someone in a store a question even if I don't have one) to give me more practice interacting with others, failing at it, learning from it, and eventually growing from it. Also, I'm a firm believer that for all of us out there, there are genuinely people somewhere in the world who really would like to and enjoy connecting with us, though I'm not exactly sure how to find them. My only approach right now is to put myself out there as much as possible, and hope that in the process I'll be able to find some of those connections.

Cheers to a better real life, because I know it's possible, we deserve it, and we can get it!

[Silver Swan]

I know that I deserve it by now. I've been waiting for things that mean more to me than anything. Why I never saw them still baffles me to this day. I do believe that I will finally see them—waiting patiently enough always eventually leads you to it.

[David Burkett]

Do you consider daydreaming and fantasizing to be the same exact thing?

[Silver Swan]

Yes, I do feel that daydreams are exactly the same as fantasies. Both of them are not real and exist only in our minds. We make them appear 'real' by projecting our fantasies in books and movies. All fantasy media originated from an author's or creator's dream cloud. I believe the both of them don't over rule the other — they are generally the same thing.

[Stasia OBrien]

I do this all of the time. All of the time! I have conversations constantly with my MDD people. As if they were really there.

[Silver Swan]

Me too! But it really sucks. In public people keep looking at me, because they can hear me.

[Stasia OBrien]

Yeah, I do emote sometimes when at work, in my car, in public, at rehearsal....lol. I'm usually good at catching myself but for some reason, I can't not emote even though its in my head. It's weird. 

[Fergus McRobson]

Now that is an interesting point

David Burkett said:

Do you consider daydreaming and fantasizing to be the same exact thing?

[David Burkett]

Do you usually visualize interacting with somebody that knows you in real life, or is it a celebrity, or is a fictional character?

[Silver Swan]

It's usually with a celebrity crush or a fictional character. Other times, it's a fantasy version of myself. She comforts and supports me if everything gets intense and stressful.