Love life

[Ele]

Hi,
I'm new here nice to meet you all.
I recently discovered about maladaptive daydreaming and everything finally made sense.
One thing I wanted to ask, have anyone of you experienced problems with love and relationships?
I'll explain better, I always wanted to fell in love and have a boyfriend, so much that I created various characters in my head to daydream about, but every time something real might happen, even if at the beginning I kinda felt something, I start to feel disgusted by the other person and go back immediately to the daydreams.
Has anyone experienced something similar?
(sorry if I eventually make some grammar mistakes, English is not my first language)

[Emily]

So relatable. I prefer to make up all kinds of stories in my head than confront real life, When I meet a guy I start daydreameing about him. Sometimes, I even fall in love with him (I think so), What i recently discovered is that I actually fall in love with the character that my mind creates, but not with the real person. I hate this, because I use to confuse the character with the real person, expect many things, and get heart broken. Nowadays, I´m working on how to identify my emotions and separate my feelings from real life. 

PS: English is also my second language. Sorry. 

[Source]

By what you wrote, I'm assuming you've never been in love in real life. As a result, everything you think you know about love is just speculation, inevitably biased by what you would like it to be. What's more, your only references are made up people, existing entirely in your mind. Who and what they are is under your complete control, you dictate their personalities, their experiences, their mood. Starting a "relationship" with one of them poses no risk, because you know everything beforehand, nothing is hidden from you and so there's no need for trust. If something feels wrong, you can just will it out of existence.

Then you stumble upon a real chance to have a relationship, and reality hits you in the face like a brick. You have no control over the kind of person you're facing, and you know next to nothing about them at first. Their actions and feelings are driven by many factors, the vast majority of which are beyond your control and often outside of your knowledge. Likely, there are things about themselves and their lives that they won't tell you right away, if at all. Simply knowing more about that person will take a lot of time and effort, and if you try too hard you'll end up empty-handed. You're forced to trust, you're forced to compromise, you're forced to face any and all problems that pop up, and the only alternative is giving up altogether.

Now compare the two. How can the real(istic) relationship possibly stand a chance?

[Ele]

Thank you for your replies :) I think you are right, it must be because I start to create a different version of that person in my mind and as soon as I notice something that I don't like I take a step back.
But now that I know the truth about my daydreaming, I'm finding the possibility to leg go of them, to have a real relationship, even harder than before. I need them to feel good, but will I ever be satisfied with reality?

[Filly]

Wow thank you for sharing this
I'm not a daydreamer but have a guy who I met and have gotten to know who is


He wants to find a lady to live his life with but avoids this intamacy too

I'm just a friend but wouldn't trade this honor of friendship for anything

Hearing what you have to say makes me understand what is going on in his mind
He tries thru dance to connect desperately with others

Formall ballroom Dance gives us both pleasure as buddies as well as frustration for him but maybe that could help you to be more social?
Dance classes?
He is very handsome so many think he should also be sexy which he guards with a ferocity, I want the very best for him but he won't talk much about the dreaming to me

I could maybe guide him to this site and to some of these stories!

[Ele]

@jessica

don't worry the same thing happened to me too, but probably for other reasons.

I have a lot of celebrity crushes too, they make me feeel less sad, and keep away any thoughs of lonelines  but at the same time i think they also keep me from developing an attraction to real people, because, as @source stated  before, i can control the dreams i have in my mind, which is something i can't do irl. 

i wish i had more advices for you but i just started to dig a little deeper into my mind, so for now i hope you'll feel better knowing you are not alone.

@Filly

thanks for your advice, but in really hate to  dance lol  still a  good advice tho, maybe if i find a new way to meet new people i'll end un finding someone i can connect to , without experiencing any of the  things i stated above.

as for your friend i'll definitly recommend this forum, it woon't "cure" him but i'm sure he'll feel better  knowing he's not the only one with this feelings, as i said before. it happened to me so i'm confident.

[Alice]

Hi Ele,

I can relate to this so much. Although i try and pretend not to be, I am desperate for someone. Not even necessarily a boyfriend, but just someone who will love me openly and clearly.
Probably the thing that I find most painful about my MD is that I use it to compensate for my lack of satisfactory relationships in real life. My MD scenarios normally centre on established fantasy universes so, in my daydreams, I'll focus on male characters and their relationship with my own character (who is always representative of me.)
The thing that I hate about this is that I feel it's kind of dangerous to rely upon these fantasies in order to feel love and security. I want that in real life and don't even know where to begin.

[Ele]

@Alice
We have the same exact problem, gosh it's so strange.
Sometimes I think maybe I haven't found the right person but at the same time I wonder If this person even exists, because at this point I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the problem here.
At the same time I'm so used to rely upon daydreams to feel satisfied with my life, that the idea of giving it up it's not even a possibility for now.
Idk, I'll update if I can figure out how to have a normal love life with MD.

[Prathiksha]

Same , just like u , I always wanted to fall in love and have a bf , but I didn't fine anyone special , so I created someone to love , a beautiful guy , with wonderful features , he is not a real life person , he really doesn't exist , but I fell for him hard and could not think of any other guy, I started this since I was 14 , it was a big mistake , cause I'm expecting to have a bf who looks like him , but I know it doesn't make any sense at all. Well, here I am , now 18 , still never had a bf. I should forget him or else I'm gonna be single forever

[Dee]

I just found out about this site and i am very happy about it! This has helped me a lot.

I have been doing maladaptive daydreaming since i can remember. When i was a kid, my daydreams used to be about being somebody else. When i turned 11 or 12, the dreams were more about being myself and falling in love with someone. I dreamed up  awesome boyfriends! These imaginary boyfriends were also very useful to sooth anxiety at night because i would imagine falling asleep in their arms, warm, safe and loved.  I also had crushes on real boys, but like someone else here said, i was in love with what they were in my mind, not the real person. The real person was disappointing.

I met and fell in love with my husband when i was 15 years old. We have now been together for 25 years and i love him very much. I do not have daydreams about him, because he is REAL. He is the biggest part of my real life, and i do not want him to change in any way. Bringing him into my daydream would somehow mean that i want him to be different than he is. ( And i DONT)

But i still daydream about imaginary men. Maybe because this was set as my defense mechanism long before i met him. This used to worry me, but i realize that all my daydream romance end up looking like my relationship with my husband. So this must mean my real life relation ship is the way i truly want it to be.

I love my husband deeply. So deeply, sometimes it scares me. Sometimes i think i mdaydream because i am afraid to truly feel this love for him in real life. It is easier or safer to chanel this overwhelming feeling toward something imaginary. But it makes me feel good to know i have this deep love even if i am afraid of it.

[Dee]

Hi Jessica,

You mentioned you were 31 years old. I am 41. If it is any consolation, your high school peers who  are all married now, will start to get divorced in a few years!

I dont think the fact that you have fantasy crushes would prevent you from knowing when you meet a real guy that you really like. You know the difference between your daydream fantasies and real life. While you are waiting for the right person in real life, what is the harm in having  a daydream romance? Most people dont even have that. Imagine how boring THAT must be!

[Marie Felstead]

Yes!  I think it is because I am disgusted really with myself, I can't and don't know how to be 'Me'....it's easier to have a relationship in a daydream where the man is perfect and understands me...and I am a nicer more attractive person...I often picture a celebrity I have seen in a movie as myself...another personality or different in appearance

[Sierra Paris]

I'm in a two year healthy relationship with someone although I MD. It's sometimes an issue but I've also learned to manage it naturally throughout my life (I'm only 16 btw). It's only an issue when I have days that I just lay in bed and listen to music but I've fully explained everything to him even before I knew of this coined term 'maladaptive daydreaming' and I've explained my characters to him. I'm also writing about them though, so I kinda have an outlet with them and a reason to discuss them the way I do. I actually recommend writing about your MD unless you WANT to get rid of it. I don't personally, I like it when it's controlled.