Daydreaming about the same Imaginary Boyfriend for 14 years

[Julie]

It started when I was twelve. I used to day dream during classes (especially Chemistry), long car rides, and, of course, before bed.

After 14 years, he's still there, same face, just minor personality changes.

Whenever I'm in a new relationship, he goes away for a bit, but inevitably comes back when the love tones down, or I'm unhappy with anything in my real love life.

I've been in a happy relationship now for 4 years. My boyfriend is amazing, he's the first person I ever spoke to about my fantasies. But the imaginary boyfriend is still there.

How sad is it to not get flutters when you kiss your real boyfriend, but to sometimes do, when you imagine (or write about) kissing the imaginary one?

I used to feel depressed and cry at the thought that he didn't actually exist. I've resigned to the fact now, and I'm grateful, because this constant yearning has inspired me a lot, in my songwriting, and, recently, writing a book which I just finished. 

This is a song called 'If Only You Were Real', written about me and MD. I told people it's written from the perspective of a slightly crazy person... maybe I am a little bit haha?

This is a song I wrote when I decided to give up daydreaming, and consequently, the imaginary boyfriend. I managed only for a little while.

I think letting it out through art keeps it under control, and I'm grateful to 'him' for inspiring me. Is that crazy? When I see it written down like this it certainly seems like it :) I feel pretty normal in day to day life, though. Do your fantasies inspire you to create things?

[BlackUnicorn]

Woow really beautiful songs. Really touching. Yes you definitely let him inspire you :D I wished Imy DD's would inspire me like that.

I have a imaginary boyfriend too, since 10 years now. And he left too when I was crushing and came back afterwards. I also was in a relationship for six years having two guys on my mind ;) I didn't tell my boyfriend cause I didn't know I was doing something unusual. I felt really bad sometimes but I decided to be okay with it cause I loved my real bf too and our relationship was fine. I think it's totally okay as long as it doesn't affect how you treat the real one.

BUT still MDD can mess it all up... I broke up with my real bf cause I started DDing about another real guy. And recently I started crushing again but this time Ayran (my MDD-bf) didn't just step aside. This time I blamed him and yelled at him and I have no idea if we are on pause now but I can't summon him anymore :/ 

[Julie]

Definitely glad to hear I'm not the only one! I'm not sure if it's affecting my real relationship... I think it does, a little bit. Because I have this idealised image of my MDD bf in my head, and keep comparing. But it would be like that with anyone else. It's like, even though I love my bf, I'm a tiny bit unhappy that he's not the imaginary bf.

Oh, and this really weird thing happened to me once. He was gone for a while, and then I had a dream. In the dream my MDD bf said 'I'm back', and he was mad at me for being with someone else. I woke up feeling like I cheated and I couldn't stand my real bf for a couple of days! 

So yeah, I totally believe that it can mess things up. That's funny though, I've never argued with my imaginary bf :) He comes whenever I want to, but when I crush for someone else, I just don't feel the need to fantasise about him (that much). 

Another weird thing. I can't say his name to other people. It just... I don't know, feels weird. I eventually told my bf and I felt super strange afterwards. Like giving out a very special thing. Especially when he made fun of me afterwards, not much, just saying the name, I cringed so badly. 

[Luce]

Daydreaming helps me in creating stories and characters, but the negative side is that paired with depression it ruined my life for many years. Only now I'm starting to find myself again.

I think you're a great songwriter and pianist :) keep it up

[BlackUnicorn]

You know I talked to others having their dream-mates for years. We're definitely not alone :) Of course it affects a relationship a bit because you have this perfect image. After few years I realized how much my real bf slowly aligned himself with my dream one. Haha because I got to knew what I liked I think. And anyway everybody else without MDD isn't completely happy with a mate after several years too ;)
Also not being able to say his name is common I think. Many people don't talk about their details cause it's too intimate. For me it makes Ayran kind of, more real cause I sometimes feel pretty sad that I have a bf and can't tell my friends what crazy stuff we did together (what I would do for sure if he was real). I tried to tell it other men but they always laugh or even get jealous and think they're not enough. So I just talk about him with other MDDers.

[Julie]

Thank you! Sorry to hear about your depression, and glad you're feeling better now. What sort of stuff do you write? Have you got anything online, or published? 

Luce said:

Daydreaming helps me in creating stories and characters, but the negative side is that paired with depression it ruined my life for many years. Only now I'm starting to find myself again.

I think you're a great songwriter and pianist :) keep it up

[Julie]

Yes, I can relate to the whole 'making him more real' thing. I mentioned before this book that I've recently finished writing. Well, I gave it to a few people to read, and then we were talking about it and the characters etc. For them, it's just a book :) But for me...It felt so good to hear other people talk about what are, basically, my fantasies :)) Definitely made it feel more real.

Those songs in the first post are about me coping with MDD, but this one is inspired by my fantasy  (This is the last video I share, promise! :D). And the book was inspired by this song, if that makes sense.

The problem with finishing the book now is that the story ends. And now I feel like I can't DD about him things that aren't in the written story. I'm stuck repeating the same scenes, or sticking to scenes that could, logically, fit in between. It shouldn't make a difference, since it's all invented anyway, but somehow it does. Confusing stuff.

[BlackUnicorn]

Awww what a wonderful and touching song again :) You know by all those rants and problems caused by MDD it's even more important to see now and then that MDD can also be a gift and a source of inspiration :)
Repeating the same plots is common to as far as I know. I also have two different stories about my bf. One is an ongoing plot parallel to my actual life, where I meet my bf and share thoughts and experiences with him. I think it's also kind of a tool for selfreflection. There I also told him that he's not real cause I wanted him to remind me of that if I have to focus on something else ;)
And at the same time I always repeat the first episode about how we met, fell in love, get to know each other,... just changing details, space, detouring side stories, In the end it's about the emotions anyway :)

[Aj]

I'd never heard music explicitly inspired by MD before, and it's wonderfully relatable; thanks a lot for sharing :)

[Julie]

Thanks! Hmm,the parallel story sounds nice. I think I used to do that at the beginning, but not anymore. I'm usually younger (teenager) in my DD, and I remember 'what happened' in the past (just like in the song). 

The other day I found a story that I started writing ages ago, which is kinda similar to the book, but the characters are a bit different (slightly different personality). So I've started DD-ing on this story now. It annoys me that he has a different name though :)) 

Question: Do you have a clear image of what he looks like? I've heard it's impossible for human beings to 'imagine' a completely new face - for example, when we dream while asleep, the faces of people in dreams are made up by our brains by deconstructing and putting together faces we've seen in real life, or something like that. :)

BlackUnicorn said:

Awww what a wonderful and touching song again :) You know by all those rants and problems caused by MDD it's even more important to see now and then that MDD can also be a gift and a source of inspiration :)
Repeating the same plots is common to as far as I know. I also have two different stories about my bf. One is an ongoing plot parallel to my actual life, where I meet my bf and share thoughts and experiences with him. I think it's also kind of a tool for selfreflection. There I also told him that he's not real cause I wanted him to remind me of that if I have to focus on something else ;)
And at the same time I always repeat the first episode about how we met, fell in love, get to know each other,... just changing details, space, detouring side stories, In the end it's about the emotions anyway :)

[Julie]

Thank you so much! I write about lots of things, but I guess since MD is quite a big part in my life, it had to come up in some songs. I find that when I'm happy, I'm not that inspired, so having this constant yearning for someone who doesn't exist definitely help with inspiration. But it can become uncomfortable sometimes...

Aj said:

I'd never heard music explicitly inspired by MD before, and it's wonderfully relatable; thanks a lot for sharing :)

[BlackUnicorn]

Hmm it's difficult to say if he has a face. A whole face yes. I can see his facial expression very clear and I can focus on his eyes. But trying to picture how e.g. his nose looks doesn't work and I think I couldn't draw him. But I get very confused when I come across guys looking similar :D What about yours? How do you see him?

Hey you actually reminded me of something. I used to draw comics when I was about 12. Now I found that long lost huge folder about my first imaginary love story. About me and an anime char. I wrote new adventures with an additional female char. Haha it's soo obvious that this new char represnted me and I was crushing on this guy. I remember my brother used to read the story back then and even he realized somehow how much that guy ment to me and made jokes about me all the time... that was scary :D

[Kim Katz]

no, they do not !! what a pity for I think what you do is great !!!

katz