I want to escape, but it's never going to happen

[Tania]

Hello, everyone!

I am not new here, but this is the first time I actually write something. I am not going to share my story, because it would be a long post. And I have so many thoughts... English is not my first language so, please, excuse my poor dictionary! So here we go...

I can't stop thinking about a man, believe me, this is not the normal grief after losing someone. When I say thinking I mean like literally all-day-long daydreaming about situations that are never going to happen, because everything between us is over.I have always had daydreams about different things, but they pass, no, they change. That's how my life has always been. I thought it was normal until I talked with people and I realized I was the only one.

My thoughts have been chaotic since I can remember. My brain is like a mystery even for myself. Some people told me I was a genius, some people told me I was crazy, some people told me I was smarter than the average human being or that I should've been born several centuries in the future. But those daydreams are starting to make me a complete nutcase!

When I daydreamed about something, I felt good, partially relieved. Some of them came back, some were forever replaced. But now it's different - I think about the same fucking thing all day long - from the first second I open my eyes, through the whole day, until I finally fall asleep. I am thinking all-day-long about an emotionally unavailable guy since October. Yes, 8 months, and I don't see these thoughts gradually going away; I am actually feeling worse and worse every day.

I left my boyfriend, because I decided to be honest - one of my biggest mistakes. I told him everything and broke his heart. Instead of dreaming about me fixing the situation and being happy I continue the self-torture and dream about him and different situations including him non-stop. And when I say non-stop I mean literally every minute of the time I am awake, because I have no idea what happens when I am asleep (maybe I dream about him). And he is a complete mess, even he told me once he didn't knew why he was so fucked up. So why do I continue? I know he's not right for me, why do I need validation from him? Why do I need him to realize he made a mistake by discarding me?

I have always been very attractive and with a sharp mind (even though too aware for the delusional world I live in). I thought the reason was he rejected having a relationship with me, but I remembered it had happened before and I didn't give a fuck about that, I even thought he was such a pussy for missing his chance with me. So what's wrong with me now? I know the reasons he got scared, he even told me so. I know he wanted me, but couldn't manage to reach my expectations. But I wanted him so badly... why? I can have any guy I want so why him? This has been a torture for so long, every day is so long, I think about killing myself almost every day. I don't want to die, but living became hell for me.

I can't stop my brain from thinking. I tried drugs for dumbing down my mind, but it just got worse. I read somewhere that sometimes the only one who can mend your broken heart is the one who broke it. But he is never going to contact me again, so I replay these scenarios in my head over and over, and over, and over... I can't even look at another guy! I can't watch a movie without imagining how we comment it the whole time. I can't go out with a friend without constantly looking around and dreaming about meeting him. I can't fall asleep without thinking how he used to hug me and hold my hand. I can't listen to a song without imagining us listening to it, I can't even laugh at funny posts in websites like 9gag without thinking about his reaction if I showed the post to him. I JUST CAN'T STOP!

I am sorry if I don't post my problem in the right place. I read a lot, I am interested in many things, including psychology and I know I have to force myself to stop, to distract myself, to try new things, etc. But this works for ordinary people and I am quite unique, uniquely fucked up in the head! I read stories, I went to forums, but "wild" describes absolutely perfect my mind. I read about intrusive thinking, I read about trauma bonds with emotionally unavailable guys, I even read that capitalism was an outdated system and the biggest fraud of our time, yeas I strongly agree with the last one.

I thought I was smarted than that. I have a strong intuition (it's nothing mysterious or supernatural, just a strong subconscious logic). I even told him my guts were telling me to run away, because he would hurt me, I tried to end things before they had started, but he managed to lure me and, yes, I fucked myself in the head pretty hard.

I managed to recover from a devastating break-up last year and I came out victorious - with a strong self-esteem and an overwhelming desire for freedom of the mind (free from social conditioning, free from the monetary-market system, free from hurting over men that didn't deserve me). I went through hell and came on the surface, while the man who made me feel the whole spectrum of negative emotions for over 3 months ended up begging me and giving everything, even changing his lifestyle in the sake of getting me back. I thought I was over the victim mentality and felt strong and in control of my own affections. Aaaaaagggggggrrrrr now I am so mad, am I really that stupid? I see what's happening, but I can't stop, I can't stop, this is driving me mad, I feel I'm on the edge of going completely insane! I know these fantasies of mine are never ever going to come true and every time I come back to reality I feel more and more sad. I cry myself to sleep almost every night, because I feel so pathetic and so trapped. I tried a counselor, I tried breathing therapy, I tried relaxations before sleep and I tried hypnosis, I tried pills for anxiety and nothing worked for me. When is this torture going to end? If it will end when he decides to contact me and offers me a relationship as I want, this may last forever.

So here I am, writing this, now I hope no one reads it. I feel so embarrassed. I isolated myself from almost everyone and started living inside my own mental hell. Now I'm venting on a website, where people that don't know me will read it and think: "This girl is nuts!".

And, yes, one last thing. Everyone says I am acting like a spoiled brat, because I am beautiful, smart, very intelligent, men like me (I've had many serious proposals), girls like me (for a friend) and I have the wardrobe of a movie star. Yaaaay! I have everything, I can even eat whatever I want and I don't get fat, I look like I did 10 years ago, I have a perfect skin without even trying to take care of it and I have a Hollywood smile, but a natural one. What could possibly be wrong with me? Why would i want to kill myself? People don't get it, individualism and selfishness everywhere, empathy - only towards themselves. People are awfully shallow, they can't see past one's looks. Even if they see you aching they find it funny. because "nothing's wrong with you or your life, you should be more grateful, because many people would give anything to be you right now". I have 2 suicide attempts. I tried to kill myself, because people are bad, manipulative, cruel and stupid. I felt such sadness because the world was so far from perfect, that I couldn't stand it and, because I couldn't fix humanity, I tried to escape from it. Suit yourselves - come be at my place and feel my pain and my chaotic thoughts that push me closer and closer to insanity every minute!

My brain is so messed up, I don't want to read what I wrote, I could get scared of the lack of focus.

I don't write those things to get attention or brag, or anything. I know nobody can help me. I don't want anybody giving me advice, because what I wrote was just a fraction of what's really going on and what I've lived through trapped inside my mind and nobody could say a valid opinion just from reading a post I made. Other people can run away when it gets too hard being around me, but how will I escape? I can't control it, I can't stop it. I am really scared of the woman I am slowly changing into - a weak, depressed, suicidal, neurotic over-thinker. I want out, but it's getting worse. Since my friends and family don't understand...

[Ulaan Gom]

I just think that it's important to remember that no matter how bad situations currently are, they WILL get better. I have faith that things will turn up for you.

[Tania]

Thank you for the kind words! Such a small gesture, but it made my morning.

[Karina]

Hi Tania. I feel so bad for you that you feel this way all of the time. It must be so hard from day to day. I wish I knew what to say to be helpful to you x

[Tania]

Hi, Karina! I've been worse and I thought I got stronger, but alas... I openly discuss suicide with my mother for the first time and she is a remarkable woman - kind, compassionate and intelligent, she doesn't deserve a daughter like me. Maybe it's something I have to go through in order to develop my mind, I don't know. I took almost 3-week vacation from work to just relax at home (pathetic, I know). I am going to watch Jiddu Krishnamurti's lectures and talks. I am also very scared that these weeks may pass with me having imaginary conversations and situations with the guy all day long.

Karina said:

Hi Tania. I feel so bad for you that you feel this way all of the time. It must be so hard from day to day. I wish I knew what to say to be helpful to you x

[Tania]

Wow, I don't believe this! I know it's just two people, but still... Whoever I told about this (just a few people, my closest ones), they thought I was nuts. They feel sorry for me not "fully living". Everyone suggested therapy, meds, vacation... But nobody understood.

There's no need to say anything - just the thought that other people also have uncontrollable minds and really get you helps somehow :)