In a Maze

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I was doing MD, I thought it was awesome. It lulled me into complacency and I'd spend hours staring away into a fuge, with glowing hopes things will eventually go my way. Unfortunately, it dug me into a deeper hole. Nobody knew my satisfaction as I have, but they didn't understand why my eyes had a distant stare, why I moved funny, didn't talk much and why I almost wasn't ever listening. It clearly proved to them that I was in another world. To myself, I believed I can do anything and be who I want, when really, most saw the same thing about me. I was mentally distracted and had issues. And they assumed I had no friends, because I showed that I can't attract people. Though, I still kept on believing in my MD for years to come. I dug in deep and explored my imagination, hoping things will materialize. They never did. Nothing happened at all. Later I realized that I never woke up to life and payed more attention to people. I just walked about in a maze, talking to my imaginary friends and looking forward to things that will only happen if I change my ways. Now every morning when I come down for breakfast and sip my coffee, it turns lukewarm, and when I heat it, my mom tells me it's because I'm really not there to drink it up before it goes cold. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Jim Hi,

I fall into a similar situation as you. As a kid, I got sucked into the world of Spielberg action flicks in the 90's, Ridley Scott and Peter Jackson fantasy/history flicks in the early 2000's, also the Disney Renaissance. When I got raised, my parents indulged me and made life soft. I was so used to having it carefree, it didn't occur to me that someday I had to grow up. Starting in 1999, I started MDD by watching an original episode of Star Trek in our family basement. I had a huge crush on Captain Kirk and this developed into another world, following more after that. Apparently, my fictitious worlds made me laugh at inappropriate moments, causing many to comment. My worlds got stronger to an extent they were practically taking over my life and effecting how I think and learn. I couldn't go a day or moment in time without being in a world someplace else. Eventually, it made me super quiet and this impaired my ability to make a good circle of friends. I always thought MD was assuring me that I'll be happy and achieve my goals, when really, it was making my real life dire. 

I wanted to be a full-time artist, so I attended OCAD University, hoping to run a studio where I can paint, sculpt and draw all day. Reality hit, and it occurred to me that supporting myself will be hard if I choose this path. So I had to take my educational training in a more beneficial field. Regardless, attending a bunch of OCADU didn't guarantee that I'd be very successful, so I kind of staggered afterwards. I still used my MD to give me hope that life will get uplifting again, but it hasn't. So I've been in a rut for a while. My mom eventually found out about my MD and wasn't happy about it. She even advised I get psychiatric help and wondered what career I would take on, when I live in another planet. 

I can't lie that I don't live in an alternate world anymore. I recently watched the Jurassic Park franchise, and often when I'm working, I catch myself intertwined in the plots and dialogues of the films, interacting with all the characters. It has come back after I tried to quit, but perhaps because it's covid-19, I do this more often. In 2019, I thought a lot about "Joker" when I walked to work in the city that autumn. 

So movies had a strong influence on my MD. I didn't have much of a social life, so my MD worlds made up for my loss of connections. Although I wish that I can tell myself, hey this just isn't real. You can't stop, because it's so much fun and it touches your soul. 

[JamesRelton]

Jessica hi

tired so forgive me , long day , Nhs frontline pandemic worker so tired

im being referred by my clinical psychologist  to my local autism adult diagnosis service to see if there’s any linkage 

but I hear your story loud and clear but I doubt there is linkage for me , I was the in the first generation almost to see the 1970s-80s first wide surround sound CinemaScope Bond , Superman, Indiana Jones , Original Star Wars , and it was lethal , absolutely lethal towards me secretly planning highly inventive wild immersive counter stories with mr of course deeply involved or worse as the actual characters, it’s all put me in a world of total shit , since my “official “ breakdown 2years ago over a now resolved medical issue ( I thought I may have contracted HIV and hadn’t) just blackness , no MDing just emptyness , like apart from breathing using 1% brain power for 50 years the other 99 % was off elsewhere as you knoe

no more strength tonight 

hope you reply 

only really administrators ever really have mainly

night and wish you dreamless slerp

xx Jim 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I find this a strong point made. I got too influenced by popular culture, especially when it came to watching movies and TV shows. That very idea was invented by writers. And it brainwashes a young audience that they can dream and do nothing, and their wishes will still come true. It's bullshit. Of course, you have to do something. I knew a few people who gave me good advice, and stupid me preferred my own belief system. I remembered when my dad lectured me when I was 13, that I do need to leave my room and get experience in order to meet people, so I can make friends and develop relationships. For some weird reason it didn't click, and I held onto my own dreams ever since. So I stuck with my old bad habits, but Today doesn't look any different from when I was a kid. I now realize why. 

[Valeria Franco]

I have wondered many times how culture has influenced this kind of mindset.

Me too, I had the feeling that things would have just happened because life would have brought them. But that's not how it works.

Do you know Disney Cinderella? She states that dreams do come true, just dream and hope and wait, and everything will happen, just as you want it. Just be a good girl, in the meantime.

It doesn't work like this.

Nope.