"That Nagging Feeling.."
Have you ever had that, that nagging feeling? And the memories that came flashing back with it? If yes, you can probably relate with me. But if not, maybe someday you'll be able to understand what I'm saying.
It started, err, I really can't remember when it all started..hehe..Hmm.. All I know is that I have felt that throughout my entire life. Since I was a kid, I felt alone. And lonely. The feeling of being both empty and full has always bothered me, like a nagging wife to her husband. I feel that I lack something or I am deprived of everything I should and need to have. Ironically at the same time, I am full. Full of the things any being should not have.. Sometimes I understand, but most of the times, I am clueless why. I want to release it, to let it go, to throw it back to whomever gave it to me, to scream or shout that feeling out, I want to cry it all. I did.
I just mourn.
And I weep,
as to why my existence has always been like this.
I pleaded, and prayed but nothing seems to change.
I knew that something is wrong with me. I tried and tried; I gave my best in figuring out and transforming all the things that I thought was the problem in me. Again, nothing seems to change. I felt lonelier, emptier and heavier too. I encounter transient happiness, but no inner joy. There's temporary calmness but not constant peace. Everyday I hope that all those nagging feeling, and all the memories that cau se me pain will just go away. Every night I pray that the next night will not be a sleepless night again.
I wanted to run as fast as I can, as far as I can. I wanted to exhaust myself. I wanted to hurt myself. But I didn't do it. I know it's useless to think that physical pain will be more sensible than the throbbing wound within me. I am sick of a sickness I don't know. I am paralyzed, I can't move. I am chained, will I ever be freed?
Do I sound like I will commit suicide any minute now? Ha-ha.. I won't. And I will never do it. Yes I am weak and lonely, and depress, and emotional, and miserable (but no one knows: I have a poker face all the time) but I don't have the tendency to just end this fucking life. I will hide it perfectly, until someone will see right through me. But I just can't end this life. I want to be there, and I need to be there for all the people who also suffer. They may not want me in their side, nor need me in their life, but I will stay. Because I know how it felt. I know what it's like. I will be there. No, I just can't die, because I deeply love the one who gave this life.
thanks for reading :)