Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I wish that I never started MD. It was a big mistake. It boosts my creativity and all. But people get really upset when they find out I do it. And it just ruins everything. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, adulting is not a place I want to be. My dad gives me talks about "survival," and I wonder if he's being dramatic. I'm not asking for some death wish. This stuff takes a lot of anticipation. These days it's not easy to get your own life. My parents are just concerned that when they pass, I still won't be ready. 

It's scary to chose a new direction. I thought I knew where I was going. I went into design hoping it will open doors. But I wasn't listening when they said, it wasn't going to work out. Now I have to do something else. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I always thought that bars were the place where the environment kind of makes you drink in order to fit in, hence I avoided them. As of now, I'm trying to talk to people online. Maybe, when the pandemic is over, I can get that part on track.

Yeah, I feel your pain there. I have no direction on where to go, no clue on what I'm interested in. So I'm doing courses to increase my skills.

Adulting is kind of depressing, isn't it? The whole "fight to survive" thing. Is it just us, because of our MD or is it tiring for everyone, I wonder

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Maybe I was just young and inexperienced, but I was glowing with hope going to OCAD that I wasn't going to enjoy an artistic life and meet someone who can be my partner. I had problems connecting with others, and even in college, I wasn't liked by students. I even had the idea I'd marry by 30-35. There were red flags going off since I was six years old and I just ignored them. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I didn't move out because I didn't make the right choices in life. I dove for a career that was wrong and too hard for me. Then went through a decade of roadblocks only find out I have to do something else. Everybody I grew up with I didn't hear back from again—I guess because I didn't socialize. I didn't even reunite with my college foes ever since I finished. So basically I have to start a whole new life for myself. 

I'm making a list of jobs and courses to determine if they qualify for a second career program I might just be taking. I might do something totally different from graphic design, since I'm unsuccessful in this field. Switching careers kind of sucks and it's a bit scary, but what can you do. I originally planned to be an advertising editor. 

I must say, this is the most unfunny summer of my life. I used to love it as a kid. Now it's make money and pursue your life, or else you're screwed. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You don't have to drink at a bar. I'm sure they also serve milkshakes and sodas. You can visit dives that serve lunches. There are lots of neat joints out there. 

It does scare me how much I believed in MD. Years back, I should've stopped and realized what the hell I'm doing. 

Having no idea where you're going in life is the most discouraging thing ever. I'm in my 30's and this is still happening with me. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I also feel bad that I haven't moved anywhere and I don't know where to go next. I want to move out and live with my friends, since they'd understand me better than my parents did.

MD does give me hope life will turn out well, but I do have to work for it and I don't have a lot of energy left in me for it.

People say you can meet new people at bars, but since I don't drink at all, I don't go there since it's an environment that will coerce you into drinking. So I don't know where to go about meeting women and all that. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I do go out as much as possible, but usually to the same destination, the lakefront cafe and harbour, then back on Riggs trail homeward. Sometimes all the trails, parks and catwalks on the south west end of town. I'm always doing this all by myself. I have gone down with a friend or two, but very rarely. I know this sounds really silly, seeing how people chose to date today, but I wondered if this is how I meet my prospective partner. I should grow up and realize that can't happen. Going to gatherings is very realistic. It's just an old belief I had from my 20's. I told my dad and he thinks I live in my own world. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Lately, I feel ridiculous that I still live with my parents and sister, in fact, I feel a little disturbed. If I could afford to move, I'd leave my town and neighbourhood entirely. I haven't mentioned, I'll have lived in the house for 30 years, by next June. Yes I know, that's a long time. Years do go by faster when you get older. 

I may be planning to retrain in a new career or shape up my current skills in what I do. I'm just not getting a job. And I'm worried. My dad is pressuring me to find a way, and I'll be on my own doing this, with no help from anybody else. 

My MD has told me, my life will be happy. By now, I find that a lot of nonsense. Happy doesn't just happen, you have to chase it and ensure it works out. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I should've done some some internships during my college but MD didn't make it so. It piled up backlogs which I had to clear, and now I'm regretting it.

I was considering studying a post graduate degree but my financial situation isn't exactly good right now, so that's not an option.

My mom tells me to get out of my room too, but seeing as I'm not going out much due to the pandemic, this is my fortress of solitude. And since I don't relate to my parents and brother much, I'd rather stay in for the time being.