Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thank you, I'm a hard working and determined person. COVID won't be around then. I'm sure I'll get back on my feet soon.

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, you're 35 now. I'd say at the worst case, it's early forties. But like I said, it's the worst case. One out of hundred. You have the desire to do something and you're taking steps. I'd probably see you working sooner than that.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have the feeling I'll be in my 40's, before I'm officially a real grown up and I actually live by myself. All my jobs happen to be temporary and it's like I'm leaping on more stepping stones. So It's prompt I will be training for new subjects in a few months. I think this design career just didn't work out. It was challenging for me and employers kept letting me go. So I stayed home longer than I expected. Very unfortunate of me. I also kind of delayed my goals, due to having no real ambition towards what I was going for. I wasn't driven in design, so I was falling behind and getting no hits. I just sat there like a lump and didn't do anything. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, it's tough to adapt for us, but we have to. No other go. Even if I did open up to my parents back then, they'd just tell me to focus on school, that's it.

I had trouble relating to people because I was anxious and naive back then. Now, I'm much better at talking, but I'm afraid I might come across as lame or boring. Romance is now the one thing I feel like I don't have and I want. I'd give my best effort for the person who I date and I hope that it's reciprocated.

As far as career goes, I'm still learning in courses but lately I feel distracted. So it's still very much a work in progress. My own parents tell me that you should've got a job by now, because everyone else already has, and it's quite painful.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is actually so stupid...the whole lifetime 'three decades' I grew up in my hometown or downtown city...I've pretty-well heard the same damn remark by everybody. And it makes me so mad. I could've sought therapy to prevent this many years back. But all people ever commented about is that "I'm so quiet or I don't talk." This was the dominant problem that resulted in a life of bullying and friend rejection—especially romance. I lived in my head and never realized to most...on the outside I looked very dumb. Thing is, they didn't know who I was, unless I opened my mouth to show them how truly smart I was. 

Of course, my mom pampered and coddled me up, did too much for me, even sternly overprotected my sister and I. So I never learned how to be responsible as a kid. This seriously effected my growth and development, so when I technically became an adult, all my other peers were well-adaptive, except for me. So me independence is coming very late. Every morning I feel like I'm waking up to a nightmare, because I think, "Holy shit, I still live with my parents? I'm not a grown up yet?" It's actually disturbing, thinking 26 years ago, I was 10. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Your parents will not take care of everything forever. They will get older and need to be taken care of by others. Leaving you to take care of your own problems. I should've realized this as a kid myself, but I was so stationed in my comfort zone and so complacent with my status of carefree life, not realizing I had to "grow up" and learn to support myself someday and face the real world like everybody else. I wasn't ever much of a talker, so I got eaten alive in grade school, but didn't stop to think, my future will also be troublesome for this reason. Then I started MD at 12, because I had issues winning people over, just like you. I should've told my parents how I felt about everything, instead of keeping quiet and living in another world. That just digs you a bigger hole. But I was a kid, what did I know? Now I'm 35 years old and still depend on my parents in the midst of a worldwide crisis. 

I felt that I made very unrealistic decisions in my 20's. I went to Art college, but didn't listen to my mom when she mentioned, "Take a year studying art at OCAD. Then attend a community college to learn a trade." Instead I full on took six years of art, crafts and graphic design until I got my bachelors degree. I tried getting a job in the design industry, but it was hard to get a place in agencies, companies and boutiques. I was told by employers that I was slow, unprofessional, and seemed hard of hearing. After 11 years of struggle, I realized I took on the wrong career. Even if I tried to start my own business, I would've been dealing with pissy and fed up clients. 

So that is why I plan to train in a different career next year. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Wow, you've laid out everything for what you wanna do. That's quite some progress there.

I'm also an introvert who made an alternate reality where I was so much better off than my actual reality. My family doesn't know this yet, but my friends do and they try to help me at times.

I don't have any experience with romance yet, which I think deep down is one of the reasons MD started for me.

I think MDers are drained rather than lazy, but I used to believe that my parents will take care of everything. Which I now realize that it won't be the case.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The problem with me is that I'm lazy and I used to be entitled, just like you, not thinking I had to work extremely hard to get somewhere, with sacrifices and everything else entailed. My parents even argued that the subjects I took in art school wouldn't guarantee I'd make any money. I wish I listened to my gut instinct and immediate switched to something practical and suitable for me. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This program I am pursuing, I'm will be suitable after 6 months of unemployment and active job search, so I would be starting second career schooling in January. So if I don't find a full-time job by October/November, then I'll be doing the application process. I have to make records of everywhere I worked, even in between employment insurance. The process is actually long. I figure it would be better if I just got employed. 

I was an introvert who lived in my head and made up fictional worlds to comfort myself in times of uncertainty. I always believed things will be better and my current circumstances are not forever. As time passed things stayed status quo, only my MD was growing stronger on me. It eventually got me into hot water with my family and other people. It also distracted me from having a happier, successful and independent life, which is kind of sad. 

I mean, I'm 35, unmarried, living at home and still coping with reality, trying to find ways to survive. It's more than daunting. I've got a lot of catching up to do. I never thought I'd fall behind so hard. I can't be sure if anything is going to be just fine. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, if it was under our control, in hindsight, I would've not started it at all. But it's a coping mechanism, like an imaginary friend who stabilizes your emotions during bad times.

Right now, I'm afraid and complacent, which isn't a good mix, exactly. Silver spooning fed into it a lot. Made me believe that I don't need to work hard for something. I'm struggling right now to come to terms with reality.

It's definitely scary to switch the path of your career. I've completed my bachelor's degree in engineering, but I don't even like it. I don't know what I even like, actually. I'm in the process of figuring it out,