Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel that I glued myself to an area for a long period of time. When I should've moved on with it when I had the chance. I kind of over-indulged myself in events that happened to me in this very area, XD like a romanticism. Any other insensitive person would've rolled their eyes and thought, "I'm getting the heck out of here." Now that I see it, this area I grew up in wasn't worth reflecting on. The place is tranquil, benign and not much is going on. Still, everybody I've ever met has left. I honestly wish I forgot how frequently I got bullied, scrutinized and underestimated and just moved on with my life. Dad told me, "We're tribal." That means not every rank of person is going to like who you are. Point is I think I took the feelings of others towards me "too hard." The world is full of millions of shy and quiet people, so what? Some people can be overreactive and overbearing, and you need to ignore them at all costs. I'm so glad I closed the doors on those years that weren't so good. Of course, I never saw that crowd of people ever again. 

So I'm thinking when I can finally afford it. I want to move to a totally different and unrecognizable area and start a fresh. As we all do. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Career-wise I'm like you. I took a program in college that I wasn't sure about. I honestly didn't know what I really wanted to do with my life, but be an artist. I took a bunch of courses that taught me technique and self exploration. The question stood, how was I going to make money out of all this? I jumped into graphic design hoping it will open doors for me, but I interviewed two profs who sensed I wasn't driven and it will take "faith" to land a career in design. I could've slept on this and thought, "I see they have a point, so then I will take something else." Instead I thought, "How bad can it be? I'm sure I'll enjoy it and still make a living." Not listening to somebody else's experienced advice got me into a bout of problems as a result. All throughout the decade, I struggled to climb into the design business and improve my skills. I realized in the end this probably isn't the right career for me after all. What concerns me is that I might have to retrain into another career. As covid is making it so complicated to get a new job in design. 

My dad is very stern that I should be well versed in what I took and job ready, so I can leave the house as soon as possible. I seriously don't know how to be more truthful with him. Being 35, I feel responsible for my past actions and understand I should've had it all together by now. I wasn't thinking in my head. I believed that I'll be having a family at this point anyway and even that didn't show up. 

So yes, our point is that life will not look like our expectations at all, for better or for worse. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You've got a point there. Life is full of things you don't expect. Better positive than negative. The mistake I made is assuming what my adulthood was going to be happier. It's vice versa. Nothing happened like I wanted it to. Probably because I expected too much and didn't brace myself properly. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, they do say life will always be full of things you don't expect. I'm hoping it's on the positive side though.

I've stopped caring too much on people judging me. Only time I will care is if someone thinks I'm a bad person. Then I've this need to rectify it immediately. I was never really in a tribe until my college. I was barely talking to people in school, but now I've improved a whole lot.

Yeah, safe to say the demon of sloth has quite the hold on me and I'm having a hard time shaking it off. I hope to at least know how to date and what to do when it comes to romance by the time I'm 30.

It's good that you can get yourself in work mode when you get a job. I struggle with that and I'm working on that. Safe to say, I'm working on things other than "work" that pays XD. I hope to at least live peaceful soon enough.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Personally, I don't think I was listening carefully to what others were saying about me. I also took so many things for granted, because I had a soft childhood. Now I don't take anything for granted. 

When I'm given projects, I'll get right on it, can gear myself stealthily into the process and get it done. But when I'm out of work and not assigned anything, I just sit there and sag. I can't seem to discipline myself, unlike others.  I tend to almost go stagnant in between job gaps. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

You're right though, MD does drag you into complacency. I was too complacent and payed for it. I expected relationships and friend bonds that never appeared. I believed by 35 I'd be doing something I love and I'd have a family. It was a complete and utter lie. It makes me mad. You wonder what you're doing wrong. I'm also very afraid that my future will not get better. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Well, I am determined for sure, but I lay a guilt trip on being "hardworking." I basically tailor and submit resumes to companies all day. I will fiddle around on Photoshop or Illustrator if I feel like it. Hardworking is when you bust your ass on projects and studies, which I don't do at the moment. 

People can't judge me now, because we're all stuck in during covid, and you're right, people are too busy in their own groups to pick on how odd I come across to them. Some people prefer their own private lives at home over being an extravert.

Thing is, I was mixed in with different tribes of people in my schools and jobs, who were super outgoing and very talkative, and they didn't understand my reserved and nonverbal nature. 

I've already changed that mindset, but trouble is I'm in bad shape and practically have to rebuild myself. In fact, I have to start over, and I didn't expect this to happen. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, see, you're hardworking and determined and have now set your sights on what you wanna do. That's amazing.

I don't get the weird looks often these days, because everybody is too busy with their own circle. My friends, those who know about it, do their best to help me out, even though sometimes it feels like spoon-feeding.

Yeah, our dreams do provide what we want but soon we realize we lack it. It makes us complacent to do the work needed for it. That's a mindset I'm working on changing.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Anything thing I've noticed. We tend to dream hard about what we want...but life still doesn't send it. I mean, they're just dreams after all. And the more we do this, the more dire a situation we put ourselves in dealing with someone else or a bunch of people. What we dream of is only meant to be real if we take the proper actions and efforts to get there, without getting into trouble like that. For instance, people who I knew didn't particularly leave their heads, and they got where they wanted to be...because they didn't go and dream. We do have to pay attention. Problem is people who MD are too thick or washed up in that cloud they're in to realize that. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

My life doesn't seem fair. I feel like I'm in cuffs, all because my mom knows about my MD. Everybody keeps looking at me like I'm being weird.