Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

So, you now have motivation to change your life, that's good. I'm still in my head often and right now, even something small as a round loss in a game can literally throw me off track and make me feel like a failure. I'm now scared I wouldn't survive work life or maybe my work life would help to keep my MD in check. 

Life is no race, unlike what some people say. It's more a ride and even if it's slow, you will still reach your spot. So don't feel like you're in a competition. There's just you living happily, that's it.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Real life is just not going to turn out the way you expected it to be. I've had high expectations, and always got disappointed in the end. I feel that surprising things happen to you when you least expect them. At that time I usually go with the flow and not think of it. For example, I didn't expect to meet my close friends or be given a high school graduation present. I you know what I mean.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, it's just. I feel ashamed that I'm not grown up as a I should be. And I feel guilty for living with my parents. I can only think I had no work ethic in my 20's. I didn't work harder, kind of bogged along, thought I can do anything without trying it out first. I guess, I was rather naive. But you're right, at some extent we are technically all adults in whatever stage in our life. Even my younger sister is more adult than I am. I take it on my Asperger syndrome causing arrested development and I grew up with everything done for me. It's tougher to learn skills that way. I just didn't adapt as fast as everybody else I've known, which is Ok, I guess. I really hope I do catch up. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I feel discouraged that I haven't yet figured out what I want to do in life. I have no direction as far as career goes. All I see when I hear the word career is just a simple job that helps me to survive, that too, nothing passionate, since I haven't figured it out yet.

Well, I'd look on the flip side and say that you have more energy by behaving younger than you actually are. Besides, after we cross a certain age, technically, we all are adults. It's just that some things that people have at earlier ages, you're getting them a little late. That's not exactly the end of the world. And I do feel you. Even my mom and brother think that I'm immature, to the extent where my younger brother is ashamed of calling me his elder brother. But that's people. Sometimes, even family can hurt you in that way.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Overall, I feel a bit discouraged in life. I took a break gap off work during the pandemic, though kept active with hunting and freelance. My dad is kind of demanding. He wants me to shape up. He's pursuing that I retrain into a second career. I haven't been in school for years, actually. 

This may sound surprising at 35, but my development is slower than most. I behave so much younger than I am. I blame it on my soft life, that I'm still not ready. My dad has told me to grow. So has mom. Even my sister called me a baby.

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, you've come a long way since that and now you have decided to take the first step towards survival. That's good. And now, you also have people you can share to, me being one of them. I've also thought that I was gonna end up a loner and that there was no one like me, in terms of loneliness. Now I know that's not the case. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I honestly wish I stopped, when I hear people start talking as a young teen. It didn't realize how harmful it can get. I originally wanted to be a fine artist and thought my MD was a great tool for my inspiration. Regardless, my dad wanted me to do something practical with my life and I tried. Unfortunately, my MD kind of jacked things up in some workplace situations. I find this embarrassing to admit, because I always thought I could hide it. Was so wrong about that. 

I honestly never looked outside me and come to realize there's a whole world out there. I had plans and goals of my future when attending college. It all blew apart when my mom found out about it. Of course, I couldn't have traveled all alone, but I never found somebody who could share the experience with me. I always just had myself. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel it's sad I didn't realize this before. I do recall a few young people warning me about the real thing. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, it's an ideal world, but not the real one. Us MDers would rather live in our utopia than in the real dystopia. Since it's more comforting. But sooner or later, it would get us complacent.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I just realized today why my MD was in vain. I don't live in the real world.