I'm no stranger to sadness and feeling hopeless, I've been diagnosed with depression afterall. But a few days ago it was different. It was really bad. I've wanted to die before. I've prayed for God to end my life before so I don't have to. But I never came close to doing it. Until a few days ago.

     I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor staring at my medication, genuinely contemplating giving up. I had my note written and everything. A part of me tried to talk myself out of it. All that came to mind was worrying about my family, and I felt awful but I already hated myself. I thought this may be the most selfish thing I ever do, but it will be the last selfish thing I ever do. But then I remembered this quote I once heard.

     "Imagine being on your death bed. And standing around your death bed are the ghosts of the ideas, the dreams, the abilities, and the talents that life gave to you, looking at you with large, angry eyes saying 'We came to YOU. And only YOU could've brought us to life!"

     And I saw it. I saw everything I've been given, and I saw just how much I'm wasting. And I may never get better. But I want to die knowing I tried my hardest to overcome these obstacles in my head. At least that. I have hope. That I can stop daydreaming and that I can be who I was meant to be. I have more of it than I thought I would at this point. 

     I am taking some summer school classes and I heard a girl and a guy behind me talking about me. The girl wanted to come and talk to me, but she was nervous (I'm shy and I think people mistake that for 'doesn't want to be bothered'). I heard the guy saying I was kind of weird, and the girl saying I had "potential". I don't know what she meant but I know she's right. And I'm so tired of being a waste of immense potential. 

     In the strangest way, while I would most definitely prefer not having MDD, a part of me is grateful for it. I am terrified of the thought of never overcoming. But a part of me is grateful to have something to struggle for, I believe people who struggle and overcome, or at least try to overcome are the most amazing people in the world. And maybe if I told my story and all my mental problems, most people wouldn't understand and would think I'm being dramatic. But I would know I've overcome something I've struggled with my entire life, and that sounds awesome.

     I am doing better in small steps. Sometimes with my first and awful break up, I get extremely sad and I resort to daydreaming to feel better. But I'm dicsiplining myself again. I know the odds are against me, but I gotta at least try to be happy and live the life I know I could.

     Well, I guess I wrote this mainly to just get it out, sorry for ranting. Thank you to whoever reads this and feel free to respond or message me! Hope everyone is doing wonderfully.

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Comment by KwanKwan on July 19, 2014 at 10:18am

wow this really speaks to me. Amanda Lynne, i found ur post extremely inspirational. We have so much potential and so much to offer, that to die would just be a waste.

We have to harness all these ideas that are floating through our heads and make them into something tangible.

Comment by Amanda Lynne on June 11, 2014 at 3:52pm

Thanks for the comments guys! I really really hope you all are doing well, and I hope you find a way to whatever you're wishing for. I know it's hard, wasting a year of your life is depressing, I've wasted many. Every year at the end of the school year I get extremely sad because it's another year I wasted, and another year's worth of missing out. But I guess it's never too late. I hope it gets easier for all of you. I know we all have unique obstacles and struggles and I know it just seems impossible sometimes. And it's always awesome when you find you can control your habit, you should be so proud of yourself. I love the quote as well, it hits me really hard. I can't imagine anything more painful for me than what it describes. I say it in my head during the day when I either get depressed or daydreamy and it snaps me back in real quick. And I know that no one would really understand our struggle and that does suck to think about. But we know about it, and we know that we're strong for fighting it.

Comment by Amanda Lewone on June 11, 2014 at 6:28am

Hey. This is a great post and I am glad you came to that realisation. These days I can go days without doing it and focusing on my real life, but then one day I will give in. And once I give in, it’s like I cease to exist in the real world, I ignore all responsibilities. Anyway, I really love that quote. And I do think there is something to overcoming. The thing with this struggle is no one knows about it.

Comment by Silla Bakht on June 11, 2014 at 3:26am

This is extremely good that you tried to overcome yourself from the worst feelings of death.Sometimes I feel or think the same but we should not forget that we all are special and unique the need is just to minimize the flaws in our personalities.I am all striving from the same phase and for me it's more difficult due to many obstacles in my treatment and therapy.In my country the doctors are not much literate to even understand my problem but even that I am hopeful about my life....Hope you get some relief from dd and Good Luck :)

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