Where wild minds come to rest
I'm no stranger to sadness and feeling hopeless, I've been diagnosed with depression afterall. But a few days ago it was different. It was really bad. I've wanted to die before. I've prayed for God to end my life before so I don't have to. But I never came close to doing it. Until a few days ago.
I found myself sitting on my bathroom floor staring at my medication, genuinely contemplating giving up. I had my note written and everything. A part of me tried to talk myself out of it. All that came to mind was worrying about my family, and I felt awful but I already hated myself. I thought this may be the most selfish thing I ever do, but it will be the last selfish thing I ever do. But then I remembered this quote I once heard.
"Imagine being on your death bed. And standing around your death bed are the ghosts of the ideas, the dreams, the abilities, and the talents that life gave to you, looking at you with large, angry eyes saying 'We came to YOU. And only YOU could've brought us to life!"
And I saw it. I saw everything I've been given, and I saw just how much I'm wasting. And I may never get better. But I want to die knowing I tried my hardest to overcome these obstacles in my head. At least that. I have hope. That I can stop daydreaming and that I can be who I was meant to be. I have more of it than I thought I would at this point.
I am taking some summer school classes and I heard a girl and a guy behind me talking about me. The girl wanted to come and talk to me, but she was nervous (I'm shy and I think people mistake that for 'doesn't want to be bothered'). I heard the guy saying I was kind of weird, and the girl saying I had "potential". I don't know what she meant but I know she's right. And I'm so tired of being a waste of immense potential.
In the strangest way, while I would most definitely prefer not having MDD, a part of me is grateful for it. I am terrified of the thought of never overcoming. But a part of me is grateful to have something to struggle for, I believe people who struggle and overcome, or at least try to overcome are the most amazing people in the world. And maybe if I told my story and all my mental problems, most people wouldn't understand and would think I'm being dramatic. But I would know I've overcome something I've struggled with my entire life, and that sounds awesome.
I am doing better in small steps. Sometimes with my first and awful break up, I get extremely sad and I resort to daydreaming to feel better. But I'm dicsiplining myself again. I know the odds are against me, but I gotta at least try to be happy and live the life I know I could.
Well, I guess I wrote this mainly to just get it out, sorry for ranting. Thank you to whoever reads this and feel free to respond or message me! Hope everyone is doing wonderfully.