MD is ruining my life.

[Amanda Lynne]

Hey guys, I haven't been on here in probably over a year. & that probably has something to do with the fact that last spring I met a guy who I thought was the one. I didn't think it was possible for someone to even give me a chance, because I am so strange & isolated. But he did & it lasted a year. & then he left. And he took all the security and content I had gained from the relationship, and then some, with him. He was my happiness, maybe it wasn't sincere happiness, but it's the only happiness I'd known in a long time. & now it's gone.
Here's my summarized life story: I was a normal kid. Always a little quirky, but I wasn't shy about it & I was fun for it. Lots of friends, lots of sports, good grades. Then as I started to mature physically, I was very awkward in that stage and I became a target for bullying. And that's when my extreme sensitivity showed itself. I became isolated, insecure, awkward, and just so sad. And I became a Maladaptive daydreamer. I could look however I wanted, say whatever I wanted, have as many friends as I wanted & be anything I wanted. I barely ever have conscious thoughts to this day.
I am heartbroken of course, like any girl would be after her first long term relationship failed. But MD makes it so much worse for so many reasons. One, i daydreamed about the two of us probably almost every single moment of the day. And now to do that hurts too badly, & everytime I'm about to daydream about it (it's just habitual at this point), I feel like I did on the first day of the break up, because to me, after snapping out of that daydream, it is the first day again. Two, daydreaming and all of the other negative qualities I obtained after it destroyed a relationship that could've been perfect. I don't know if I'll get a chance like that again. Not to mention I am definitley using md as my coping mechanism.
One pain is worse than the heartbreak. Regret. I am wasting my whole damn life. Anger. If none of the stuff that happened when I was younger happened, it kills me to imagine who I'd be. I'd be the kind of girl who's ok after a heartbreak. Fear. I am terrified that I will never change, I'm confused I'm tired I'm sad and it's been months and I still cry every night. I hate my md so much. I guess in other words I hate myself. I'm so scared.