Indirect Awearness

[Justin]

I find myself fading into a trance of absolute disconnect, as in I almost completely vanish into my own imaginative world. In this life so full of negativity I find my daydreams a safe place that I can live in solitude completely disconnected from those around me. Most people turn to the technology surrounding us but I can't seem to do this, it is much easier to disappear into my own mind were I am always the hero of my stories or always wanted and loved by all. The problem with this is that I do disconnect and I do go to this world all the time making it more and more uncontrollable, and in a sense I really haven't ever had control of it anyway but more so now as I just go away whenever a situation of negative shows up. I just find it so relaxing to vanish and become that fictional character I've always seen in movies or played in video games but as an unfortunate side effect of this uncontrollable mind set I seem to lose the connection with my family as I am always drifting into a amazing world of adventure and never ending stories.

[Kim Katz]

... "in the end, i think making the social effort is the only thing that will save us" ...

I think you are absolutely right !!  This is the only way ... before it is too late  ...

kim

[MatthewR]

Yes, exactly. Md is essentially an act of dissociation. It takes you--the real you--out of the present and into imaginary scenarios. You never fully allow yourself to exist in the here and now. Like you say, what began as a safe place has become an uncontrollable habit. Even when you are physically near your family, you still zone out...you nod, you may say a few words, but you're never totally there, because you're in your head the entire time. I'm afraid this makes you appear like a zombie. You even lose your capacity for empathy, because the daydreams have absorbed all of your emotions.

I'm wrestling with this now, but i came to the realization that i was actually clinging to an ideal reality, that i was ignoring the actual world and my place in it in favor of something more grandiose and impossible. I was compensating for very low self-esteem. My entire outlook was essentially negative, and this only fueled my flight from reality. At this point, i don't consider my excessive daydreaming romantic or useful...i consider it dysfunctional and pointless.

I don't know anything beyond what you've written, and i can't even say if the majority of mdd'ers experience it like this. I just know that my neurotic need for safety together with my avoidance of responsibility has created a thoroughly disappointing and pathetic life. I hope you find the courage to break this spell and reclaim the connection to others....in the end, i think making the social effort is the only thing that will save us. Good luck!