Doing the dance of death with my MD

[Nomad]

I've been grouchy all week, and I haven't wanted to talk about it. Here's the thing: I went to a sweat lodge for the first time last weekend. I thought it would be relaxing, but it was actually very intense. I enjoyed it at the time, but I realized afterward that my lust for the intense fantasies was triggered. My MD has always been very physical. I don't just pace; I run back and forth and jump in the air, often bouncing off of a wall when I do it. So I think the physical intensity of the sweat lodge woke up the monster.

I haven't said "screw it, I'm going into my fantasy world" yet, but I've felt sorry for myself all week. I'm not proud of this self-pity, but I've gotta be honest about it. I've lost my grattude, and instead I've been feeling both excited (in bad way) and angry that a harmless thing like a sweat lodge poses a weird, insidious, embarrassing danger to me. I understand that I'm asking for trouble if I go into a bar, but I thought praying in a tent with a bunch of other women would be safe. I didn't expect my private demon to ambush me (I'm speaking metaphorically).

All week I've been in a dark place, and I've been tempting myself to fall back into MD. I've been listening to beautiful, intense music by myself, something I haven't done for months. For me, music is a huge trigger, and backing away from it helped me to back away from the worst of my MD. But this week I played a pretty song, and I told myself, "This is so beautiful, I can't bear to give it up. It's not fair that I should have to give it up." And I've been playing music obsessively all week. I tend to play the same songs over and over, letting them stir up my emotions, just like the fantasies. When I was a kid, I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my system when I started to fantasize; I eventually became less conscious of my body, so I didn't feel that tingling, but I'm sure it was still there. Intensity is a drug for me.

This morning I started fanasizing about a famous movie-star being in love with me and all intense. To be honest, he has always been in my thoughts, and I've never stopped drifting into casual fantasies without realizing it. My mind wanders into a different reality, but doesn't seem obsessive or harmful. Usually, when I realize what I'm doing, I can stop. But this morning's fantasy was shaping up to be one of the intense ones. These are the ones that I've been staying away from by avoiding music, and by listening to twelve-step tapes at night. If I run with an intense fantasy, the next step would be into the supernatural scenarios. If I go there, I doubt I'll be able to stop again.

I don't want to go there. But I don't know what all this means. I don't know if I have to stay away from sweat lodges for the rest of my life, or if this is a strange temporary phase. I'm out of shape, and I've been telling myself that I'm gonna get to the gym, but maybe the physical intensity of a workout will trigger my MD. Come to think of it, exercise has led me into weird obsessions and injuries in the past. This all seems completely crazy. I feel mortified that I'm having problems with things that most people don't worry about. I just want to quit having MD and be normal.

Okay, I'm starting to get over it. The twitchiness has started to recede now that I've written all this down. Lately, my MD has scurried away when I've shone a light on it. Thank God! It hasn't always done that. Then again, I've never been quite this open about it. After my scare this morning, I told more of my twelve-step friends about my MD. I told them I have to talk about it because its part of my addiction and if I don't admit to what's going on, I'm going to act on it. I think they think I'm nuts, but I feel better.

Much love to all of you.

[Creator]

OH MY GOD! I jump and run and bounce off the walls too!!!! Even in this place I was really kinda embarrassed to admit it, but now I at least know I'm not alone. It sucks because the physical activity does make this MD more noticable and strange to the outside world. But you're not nuts. My advice is to distract yourself while you work out, like think about your goals for the day. I always think about the future, the real future. This might help.

[Nomad]

This week has been much better. Confessing helped lessen my obsession, and I appreciate everyone's comments.

[Michael Gibson]

I've done sweatlodges before, and while I did not have your experience I can attest that they are very powerful spiritual triggers. Indiginous peoples have used them for millenia, often times used to help induce visions .. or in the Native American traditions, used before going on a vision quest.
So .. you might want to be carefull! I do think there is a spititual component to the daydreaming we do, under the wrong circumstances .. or at the wrong time, you can get more than you asked for.

[Nomad]

Well....intense means a lot of things--sex, violence, political intrigue, soap-opera-like interpersonal relationships--any high drama. I cross a line where I get emotionally riled up, and I stay in those fantasies for hours. Sometimes they are about uncontrollable sexual desire, but yesterday I think I just wanted to be adored. It was a soap-opera day rather than a kinky-porno day, but I'm capable of all kinds.

[Tila]

Hooked on adrenaline.....makes sense.
Daydreaming sends our neurons into a happy frenzy, just like a godammned drug lol...that's why I jones for it after a whole day of normal life. Also why I feel sick after pacing past a certain point....it feels like a come-down.

Does "intense" mean what I think it means with famous movie-star man? lool
Unlike you though, I like my men natural...

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Stay strong. Maybe writing about it will help. It helps me. We're here for you.