Facing Assorted Fears

[Nomad]

Yesterday, I told my mom about this forum. I said "You remember when I used to run around in circles to music when I was a kid?" and she said "You still do that?" I can see how my behavior sounds strange for a 43-year-old. I said "not for three months." The truth is it's been more like 2.5 months, but I thought three sounded better. I don't feel embarrassed about my MD when I talk to new people, but talking to my mom was tough. She got serious and quiet for half a second, which she never does, and I could tell that she was stunned that I hadn't naturally outgrown my childhood eccentricity. The old shame and need for secrecy welled up in me. But I told her about this online community, and about how reading your posts has helped me to understand what I'm dealing with so I can apply the 12 steps to it. She said she was glad to hear that I was back in my 12-step program (I quit for a while a couple of years ago), and then she snapped back into herself and started talking about other people. I can't believe I was embarrassed enough to lie. I'm such a fake grown-up.

I feel more or less peaceful, at least about letting go of my MD. Little daydreams start, but I can usually turn away from them and feed my brain other things. Sometimes, like this morning, the really obssessive fantasies beckon like lovers. But so far these feelings have faded, and I've been okay. I asked my husband if I seemed different to him, and he said "no." I'm not sure how I can stop doing something I've done for so long and not seem different. Actually, I was hoping he'd say I seemed more emotionally present or something, but I guess not. Oh well. Also, I'm watching way too much TV.

Next week, I go back to work. I find my job incredibly stressful, and I'm afraid I'll sink back into fantasy when it starts. I already feel intermittent despair about going back, but so far I haven't had to flee into my secret world. I've been feeding my head better stuff when I start to lose hope, just like when I start to fantasize, but I hate it when people tell me to think positive. I have an easier time finding peace when I accept that some things suck.

[Michael Gibson]

Kudo's to you Kathryn for your efforts and success's in finding some control over the MD. (I know that some of you really do not want to quit, and that's fine if that works for you.)
, My MD has been intermittant through-out the years, and I've always found that I enjoy life far more when I'm emotionally present & connected to actual life. But .. I have a low tolerance for stress, and so the dreaming offers an escape, and that I use it as an avoidance stratagy. For me, I find the 'think positive' stratagy to be an annoyance too. I think that acceptance is key. Somethings DO SUCK! I've been working hard at finding employment for quite some time, and I find greater strength in just realizing that life can be hard work.
The other thing I've come to recognize is that while my daydreams are (to some degree) a reflection of who I am, daydreaming leads me away from any real deep understanding of myself. (I've tried to analyse certain themes to my DD's, and that has given me some clues, but the knowledge gained is only theoretical .. not instinctive.) Lately I've been able to key into the emotions I'm having when a DD begins to trigger, and if I step back and just remain with the emotion itself, accept it (ie, give myself permission to feel 'this way,') and remain with it, I begin to have some valuable insights into why I react to stressors the way I do, and where I have come to accept negative viewpoints about myself. It's kind of like a form of psychoanalysis, but it's based on intuition .. not somebody's theory .. or my own theory for that matter.
By the way, just started a class at the local community college this morning and gues what? I think there is a strong possibility that this class is going to suck!! LOL

[Nomad]

Thanks, Lily. I'm having sleep problems, too. I don't know if it has anything to do with MD, or if I'm just stressed out. I get obsessed with work because I'm very worried about what people think of me. The irony is that I've always used MD to compensate for my feelings of inadequacy, but it has only created and reiforced my inadequacies.

Anyway, I had hoped that I would appear normal now that I'm not doing the most obessive daydreaming (I don't feel like I'm trying to quit. I feel like I've finally let go of a big piece of it, and I'm trying not to go back to where I was before I let go--Does that make sense?) But, I think I still come across as a kook. I have blamed my md for all of my eccentricities, but I think I'm going to be a different bird no matter what I do, and it's never going to be enough for some people.

I'm trying to hold my head up instead of getting depressed, but courage isn't my default setting.

[Lily]

I just started back to work also. For me, I have this sense of panic that's coming over me. I'm panicked and a little annoyed/angry that I won't have as much time to fantasize. I'm also having issues with sleeping. Before, I could lay in bed and daydream all night without worrying about the clock. Now, as I lay and bed and do it, I get frustrated because I know I have to get up early. You are definitely not alone! Sometimes I wish I could do nothing all day but daydream. I give you props for actually trying things to quit daydreaming. I have never tried to stop because I in no way want to even though deep down I think I should. Hang in there and I think this forum can help!

[Nomad]

I go to Narcotics Anonymous. I don't mind sharing, but NA is uneasy about its members identifying themselves in public forums. So, in case anyone is unfamiliar with the program, I'll include a disclaimer: My views and NA's views are not necessarily the same.

[Melissa]

What is the 12-step program you are following? If you don't mind sharing.

[Nomad]

Also, I haven't quite caught on to this blog thing yet. Bear with me. I'm old.

[Nomad]

Back to work tomorrow. I've been sort of intermittantly freaking out and imagining people saying mean things to me (Or just thinking mean things about me without saying them to my face. The thought of that bugs me, too). I want to fantasize about being comforted. I don't have the courage to ask for comfort from a real person. Maybe I don't want real-person comfort because I can't control it.

Anyway, I'm about to go to bed and start a tape. I don't know you guys, but I love ya. If you could think good thoughts in my direction, that would be awesome.