Confusing feelings of identity--and the trade off of daydreaming for another obsession

[Queen Dopamine]

I'm slipping. I'm losing touch with reality. And it all started with an innocent video.

I think everyone's daydreams play out like movie scenes. Often times for me, I do something similar with music and create a music video, both in my head and while I'm acting it out. Sometimes, this leads to me making actual videos of me dancing or doing whatever. The most recent urge to do this started on Thursday when I filmed some scenes of me doing my version of a particular song.

I haven't daydreamed since I filmed it. I've been editing it obsessively, in such a way that I do daydreaming. It feels addictive. I have felt like that with past videos I've edited, but this one, the dynamic of the characters I play in the video, the imagery, the song itself...it makes me feel things and have thoughts and desires I haven't had in awhile. It's all confusing in regards to my identity and what I want to do.

Daydreaming is suddenly insufficient. I want to be the person in the video. I want to be someone of noteriety. I want to be seen and known. It's difficult to quantify, but I want to truly be the people I pretend to be in the video. I don't know how to make that happen, besides changing my wardrobe. That's not enough though. I want to go and do stuff. But what stuff? Do I want to be a famous video maker? Yes, that's part of it. I want to meet all my favorite bands and be desired by famous people. Really silly childish fantasies like that, which seem ridiculous when put into words by a 25 year old. I've tried so hard to not embody someone who tries too hard or who is pathetic or who "wants" to be famous or wants attention. And yet, at my core, it's something I do want.

But I don't know how to fill the void I have. I don't know how to satisfy the craving and urge in my soul that's only exacerbated by doing this video. 

[Amanda Lewone]

I have this problem. I was just thinking about this recently. I kept asking myself, why do I need to be famous to be “happy” or “content” whatever. It’s a craving that I am ashamed of. The fantasy of having music friends, attending award shows etc. I really want to overcome this. 

I would prefer daydreams of a random story line, creative. Not this.  I don’t know where this comes from…

[ben babu]

Major trait of a DDer is to be like somebody... but attension seeking behavior is not part of DD... see HPD what I think from reading your blog is you have some other type of personalty behavior... 

traits of HPD

* HPD lies in the dramatic cluster of personality disorders. People with HPD have a high need for attention, make loud and inappropriate appearances, exaggerate their behaviors and emotions, and crave stimulation. They may exhibit sexually provocative behavior, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and can be easily influenced by others. Associated features include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs.

    

HPD is a serious problem can shred relationships with your loved ones in matter of no time...