Where wild minds come to rest
I just need to clear my mind and confess my feelings from today.
I don't have anyone else to tell and I am scared to incase they take my daydreams away from me with making me feel ashamed or embarrassed.
I feel like I am losing it slowly, I feel I am obsessed. I know why I daydream I want my life to be more fulfilling than working long hours and then coming home to sit on my phone and daydream my evenings away.
I dream about falling in love and someone falling in love with me, there is no one else in their eyes but me. I am not jealous or worried I am happy. We are a unit and we have fun and are happy and we travel and do the things I feel I have missed out on in life.
The person changes from time to time, always an actor or musician or someone from TV. They become an obsession to me. Reading interviews, watching interviews and now with social media its worse.
I feel like if I was a teenage girl, it wouldn't be so bad but now I am 31 I feel scared that someone will spot that I have spent time searching for this person.
I wake up to them in my head and go to sleep with them on my mind. I just cant let the feelings go.
At the moment my life is at turning point, a new home, friends getting married and my other friend moving in with her boyfriend. I feel lost.
I am scared to meet anyone in real life as I feel I cant fulfill what they want, that I am not an interesting person. I have spent so long sheltered by my mother and when I was in a long relationship where my partner was 14 years older, I felt sheltered again and felt like I missed out on being young. We never went on holiday and spent most of our time in side watching films. When I was single again my friends were settling down and building new adult lives and had lived their wild fun days without me.
Whenever I daydream I feel alive, I feel free half of me wants to stop and the other part keeps clinging onto me.
If my friends knew they would think I was pathetic wasting so much energy.
I'm writing this instead of daydreaming so maybe that's a positive step.