43 hours and counting with no DDs!

[Stacy]

Its been a little over 43 hours and I still haven’t had a DD. I’m very proud of myself. It actually hasn’t been as hard as I thought but I have had a couple times where I really wanted to. Actively trying not to is really helping to show me where my triggers are, when I usually do it, and where I am when I usually do it. Its surprising me a little. 

One big place I always knew I did it a lot was in the car. Partly because I am totally alone and I don’t care if people see me talking to myself (I could be singing along with music or talking on a bluetooth headset right? They don’t know me.) and partly because a huge trigger of mine is music. Because my character is a singer. I actually used to take the long way to places and once even contemplated driving around town one more time before I went home from work, just because I was on a good storyline. These are the times I feel particularly ashamed of what I’m doing.

I realized last night that another big time that I do it is at a certain time at work. I work overnight in an assisted living facility and we have a pretty set routine. I work with another CNA so the beginning of the night we are together doing laundry and other housekeeping stuff. Then I’m working on homework and reading or watching tv or something most of the rest of the night so that wasn’t a big deal to just focus on that. The times that I’ve found that its hardest are when I’m going to the bathroom (which is weird, but I guess its just because I’m completely alone in there), while I’m sweeping and mopping the floor, and after 5 when we are doing our morning chores. I was doing rounds (checking on the residents) this morning and unlocking doors and stuff and I got this uncontrollable urge to DD. It was awful. I was shaking the keys in my hand to make some background noise, humming to myself, punching my fist into my other palm, everything but curling up in the fetal position with my eyes closed and my hands over my ears screaming “lalalalalala.” But here’s the revelation. After a few minutes it subsided. It was over and I was back at the nurses station with the other woman I work with talking to her and I was fine the rest of the morning. I felt such a sense of accomplishment.

It really is like an addiction. Except that its so much harder to stay away from. Its not like an alcoholic who can just avoid the liquor section at the grocery store and not have alcohol in the house. Its in my head. I can do it whenever I want. I just have to have the willpower to not do it. Willpower has never been my strong suit but I think I’m making progress.

[Stacy]

Will, no I've never been in a crash because of it. I'm still focusing on the road and stuff. Its never any danger to my driving. And generally I do stop when I'm in more high traffic areas so I can pay attention. 

And thank you Dushyant! Its been hard but I am very proud of myself. I have discovered so many new triggers that I never realized were even triggers. Some of them are easier to avoid then others though.

[Will Paine]

I am glad you were able to push through it Stacy. And I think you are right about it is easier for an alchoholic to avoid the liquor then people with MD to avooid DDing. And I have a question, when you DD and you drive hhave you ever been in a crash because of it?

[Harry]

It is some achievement. For me to not do it for even 43 minutes requires great willpower. You should be proud. You are right,this addiction is much harder to let go than other addictions since the source,triggers are all there in the mind. Keep it up!