Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Well I'm a graphic designer that freelances and works in contract-based roles. Though I find the temporary stuff so annoying. I prefer to stick with a full-time permanent job or an extended long-term contract. I designed for Sobeys for only 3 months. So I'm looking for new opportunities. My passion? I like food and drink, and movies. I do enjoy the arts, reading, writing, and I do like sports involving balls. I appreciate nature, like to bike and hike. 

I'm thinking of taking courses when schools open up again. covid has just held me back. And I stayed stuck in a house for over a year, so I'm antsy. 

[Kiruba Victor]

So what do you do right now for a living? Or like, your passion?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Good luck. I got my degree in 2010. 

[Kiruba Victor]

My bachelor's degree program just got over. It's about time for me to start looking for a job somewhere. Maybe that will be the first step to get rid of it. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It gets better if you give up on MD completely, and embrace the outside world. I was so concerned about finances, survival and employment, that it ultimately made me stop. It was feelings of fear, anxiety, uncertainty. I wake up every morning feeling worried that I still sleep under my parent's roof and I'm in my 30's. I do blame MD for causing this. All of my friends and peers have hiked it years ago. 

[Kiruba Victor]

5 years? Wow, that's a long time. I've been having this for about 9 years now. And it only seemed to have gotten worse. I guess, if my situation becomes better, there's a chance this will go away, yea?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It took me five years to quit full-on MD. Though I still tend to drift when I'm eating and drinking. When I go for walks, even surf the internet, I still catch myself talking to air. That's all because I don't have a social life. 

[Kiruba Victor]

How long did it take for you to quit it? I really want to quit it as well but my current situation isn't good, hence I slip back into that world to feel better.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, when I was in public, I didn't even think to mask my MD. So everybody in school could see exactly what I was doing and made fun of me about me. As a young person, MD was my flame. It made me happy, but on the outside I looked all dazed and weird, mentally distracted from the surrounding world. So when I became an adult, people didn't find it funny at all, and even got angry at me. That's when I decided to stop doing it. Even though MD once made me feel good, it was making social connections very difficult. So I'm so glad I quit. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Exact same thing happens to me quite a bit. My morning coffee and my evening tea often go cold because I slip into my inner world often and my mom gets angry about it. And yeah, the lockdown helped me save energy which was previously used to mask my MD in public.