Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Hopefully you get the job there.

And yeah, being a kid, we don't have to know much, if it makes sense. We're that carefree and happy when there wasn't much pressure to do anything. Once you grow up, you enter "society" and the world around you starts to react to your presence in certain ways, it's quite depressing. Sometimes I wish I can be as carefree as a child.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Being a kid was easier for me. I was happier and more content, and had no care what others thought. Now that I'm an adult, some people mistaken me for not being a good person, because I'm so quiet and don't act right, nor smile much. So they think I have an attitude. It happened a lot when I was gone in my daydreams, in my 20's. When you get older, life gets harder that way. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, I just had an interview today at Samsung Canada, though not certain if I'll get it. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, for me too, once I get my job. Hopefully, the pandemic gets over soon and we can resume our lives back to pre lockdown modes XD

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yes, I've come out of it. And I have a lot of work to do for my goals. I don't think I need mental health services. I'm just concerned about my future. I have this habit of putting things off and not making sure things happen. But that will all change. 

[Kiruba Victor]

You've come out of it and are taking steps to make life better. So that's good. I'm yet to snap out of it. I'm considering going to a mental health professional but I don't think this is diagnosable as a disorder yet. My parents don't entirely know that I suffer from MD and even if they did, I don't think they can understand it enough to get me proper help.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When they say "you live in your own world," I accept their right. They can tell by my bodily movements, when I'm not listening up, whisper to myself, stare at nothing, grin for nothing and not think of the other person, when it comes to household chores. I've even accidentally locked my mom out on my trip to the mall, not realizing she was gardening outside. Oh boy. I'm also thinking if my mom hadn't learned that I'm a daydreamer, my whole decade would've looked different. My point is people could see that I was doing this. Meanwhile I thought my dreams were wishful thoughts that will one day come to fruition. Anyway, the important thing is I learned a lot. Hope it doesn't happen the same way again, now that my MDD is dwindling. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I've to get it inside my skull as soon as possible. It's like I can accept ideas theoretically but have a really hard time implementing them and replacing existing ideas in my head. Working hard seems so very daunting for me that I'm legit scared what will happen. I know I have to work hard but I can't seem to embrace it entirely. Be it career or relationships.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel that my worlds pulled the wool over my eyes. It made me feel things will happen just like that. When really, you can't get ahead in this world waiting for things to come to you. You have to chase them and work very hard for it. When I earned my degree, I was supposed to start a business, but I preferred to work for the government or an agency. So I went to so many interviews and had a lot of jobs in the 2010's. But I didn't find an occupation that seemed promising that I can stick to. Just had clients who needed me to get a few banners and things polished, and then I'm off the hook. The life of a designer is to keep building clients, or else you don't have work. Overtime, it got harder to seek employment, even in this pandemic. 

Same with relationships. Most people meet their partners by socializing, I guess. But I assured myself that I will accidentally bump into this person in my shopping and walking errands, and in travel. Then I realized that you have to be approachable people, otherwise, you won't be noticed. I've tried this on occassion, but it was hard in the beginning, because I was too busy daydreaming. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Wow, that's amazing. I've just finished college and I'm yet to find a job and my "passion". Is it weird that the only thing I'm passionate about right now is just to have fun? Like that's my goal in life. I have no specific passions and interests like you do.