Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I used to have fake feelings towards what's ahead all the time. I actually do regret it. You don't get ahead believing strongly in your own thoughts. Your going to be disappointed. Nobody knows what your pondering about and they don't care. The answer is, prove yourself out there, and others will eventually respect you for that. 

For example, I thought of being a designer. So I got my degree and hoped to land an exciting job in an advertising agency or labeling & packaging company. But I should've been warned the design industry is fast and furious, and the designs must be kick-ass. People who truly live and breathe it, come up with wicked stuff ever make it through. But I was more of a fine artist and I found web programming to be hard. I simply got the degree, all because it opens doors. My dad told me to start a business, so I decided to freelance for clients. Next thing woke me up, the clients weren't very impressed by my designs. They felt I didn't think like a designer, my work wasn't very good and I needed more training. If I got excited to apply to future places, they didn't even give a thought to phoning or emailing me for an interview, an often declared they moved to other candidates. Then 10 years went by since I got my degree. I was stunned that I look no different than where I started out. I didn't progress and get much better. I then realize that I wasn't ever driven. It was best I stuck to art. 

In the relationship zone, it's nearly the same. I thought I was going to find a boyfriend and begin a relationship in my 20's. I did find ways to encounter people through college, work and meetups. But I kept on getting same answers from most of them. "Your quiet. Your so serious. You seem nervous. Smile." They simply found my appearance and demeanour a turn-off. They socialized all the time, and I didn't. Plus, they didn't daydream like me, so they just replied, "Where'd you go? or Are you here?" I can't tell you how embarrassing this was for me. When I started freelancing at home and stopped taking courses, things were extremely quiet and solitary for a while. It disturbed me when my peers and co-workers were no longer there, how I lacked the skills to reach out of people. Of course the pandemic didn't make it any easier. There were times, I expected to just randomly meet people around the coastal area of my home or at the parks. It was total BS. I realized you must get into social gatherings to ever make this work. Now I know. *Burn*

[Kiruba Victor]

Right now, I'm feeling that false confidence. But also dreadful of what lies in store for me. I don't exactly believe it will all unfold like my daydreams since there's some really high standards up there XD.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I was doing MD, I was so confident that I knew what life will look like in 10-20 years. I was so complacent too. When really, the real answers staring at me in the face. I was that kind of person that didn't concretely think of the what-ifs and just wanted to go with the flow. All the more, I actually believed in my daydreams. They felt so strong and real.

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, that was spot on. Cool kids and sportspeople fit in better than geeks or artistic people. And after that, there won't be much contact, so you can move on from that part of life. The people who bullied me in high school , I don't care about what they're doing now. I've managed to bolt and lock those doors for good. We all will eventually find our tribe as you say. Time changes everything. It's that powerful.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

To be honest, high school wasn't for me. Artists and geeks tend to be the lesser popular stereotypes. Only cool kids, cheerleaders and party-goers really ever do fit in. High school is a social event, but it's also a blur. Whatever persona you carry in high school means nothing in the real world. So if you were prom queen or football jock, still what are you afterwards, when it's all over? When we separate and go to universities and workplaces, nobody's going to know or care how popular you were. Plus in adulthood, people don't hang out in groups as much. Their social lives are thinner, because they have jobs, responsibilities and kids. After highschool, I 'no longer' still hear people stand around saying, "Where are you friends, Jessica Ballantyne?" Grown ups only tend to their own business. My point is we are tribal. When the teenage bullshit is all gone. Then we mature up and go find our own tribes, so it's no big deal. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm trying to find friends in Canada, since that's where I live. Problem is things are still shut down in covid and meetups are limited. Since summer is approaching, cafes and stores are opening, plus people are getting their vaccines, so it should get easier. 

I accept that I wasn't a perfect teen, but it took me years to get over bullying. I was the quietest person in the school, so I was the least popular. So I got very mistreated. I do hope to find a small crowd is just like me and do things with them on occasions. It's not healthy for anybody to be singled out. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, even my teens weren't exactly good. I did some fairly stupid things, which looking back, made me cringe hard. Nowadays, I hang out with a small group of friends who don't understand mental health fully but are willing to put efforts for their close ones. I don't have any friends outside of India though. Hopefully this network will be a good place to "socialize" better XD.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Looking back at my teenage years still makes me gag. And my adult stages weren't very fun. I mostly worked and had two friends. I think the happiest times of my life is when I did things with family and visited my grandparents house. I have hung out with a big group at a couple pool parties, and they were more the right crowd for me. Except they were very smart and well spoken, and so knowledgable. Talked about things I didn't quite understand. I mostly sat there and listened, because my verbal skills needed lots of work. I do better with easy talking people. I have a girlfriend in Delhi India who speaks my english. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, society will always have people who judge and who believe in stereotypes. So we can't do much about it than just avoid them and seek our set of people. My childhood was also really soft and innocent whereas my teenage and my current stages are quite harsh.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah my childhood was warm, innocent and fun, carefree too. My dad sometimes tells me that my sister and I had soft lives. I was always surrounded by kids, but had no experience with adult people, except for my teachers. So when I started working at 19, I was stunned at the reactions I was receiving from adult strangers. As a kid, I was so used to them being nice to me. It was a big change. Anyway, society is as society does.