Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

My mom just found out that I have a problem, and she's angry that I told my friends first instead of telling her. And an argument followed, where I told openly that my friends offer a safer space to discuss my problems more than her. And after a pretty big argument, I took a nap and woke up now. I have to start building my resume and attending interviews actively even if I fail. Hopefully, I get hired soon so that my mum will stop bugging me.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I took me years after high school before I found out what type of fields and careers I'm suited for. Apparently it took me 25 jobs to find out what I'm good at and bad at. This is 16 years of unsteady employment. I wanted to move out so much earlier, but it wasn't possible. Probably due to me not being liable and communicative, but also, I haven't been in a college program for a while. I honestly wish that I made better career decisions in my early 20's. Ever since my mom found out what my mental health is like, she didn't think I can do anything out there. But I just stopped listening, and will decide where to push forward. It's taking a leap of faith. That big jump of making a big difference. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I've learnt that sometimes, you shouldn't choose a degree just because it opens doors. I choose communications engineering because I didn't know better after high school. And now I've no skills except my fluency in English and a little bit of Python coding. And that definitely isn't enough to land a job in IT. So I need to improve on the coding part and learn something else as well. I don't even know what I'm interested in. So that makes me really worried. I thought about entering E-sports for a while, but realizing that it's not feasible in India, I had to drop it.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm not well trained in anything else, aside drawing in illustrator, doing page spreads in InDesign, and editing photography in Photoshop, and maybe website basics. I've had graphic design jobs in the past, and practically disappointed and embittered the employers who hired me. It was actually embarrassed. I don't know how to fess to my dad that I'm better in the arts, and I'll never do that well in design. He persuaded me to get a design degree, all because it opens doors. But how many doors can honestly open up for me? When I became an adult, I was so excited to learn how to be a full-time artist in college, but my dad hesitated that it won't make me independent. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, totally. I see my friends get placed in good companies/get into universities abroad for post graduate studies. I even saw a batchmate of mine get married and I was like, WOW!! Everything is happening so fast that my senses can't keep up XD. I also saw people around me get involved in college events and socializing around like it was nothing and there I was, a man who couldn't socialize to save his life and too involved in my daydreams that my energy for anything else is at an all time low. Now that my degree program is over, I'm dreadful to face the real world. My parents too keep telling me to get a job, that the relatives are constantly asking. I panicked and instantly, the daydreams went in a much negative direction. Ironic, isn't it? How something which is supposed to keep you peaceful, now turns depressing.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I know. I'm already 35, and facing the real world is still scary to me. Maybe it's the fact I had a cuddly past, wasn't responsible as a kid, got bullied a lot, and daydreamed excessively. I look at my other peers. They work for companies or started a business, are flying in planes, are raising kids and have houses. I look at myself, and it's like something went terribly wrong with my growth. When I was a kid, I always noticed that other neurotypical kids were ahead of me in skill sets. They'd be selling lemonade and products on stands when very young, and started working at 14, gained leadership skills by monitoring groups and volunteer. I didn't start my first job until I was 19. I've never lead or counselled a group in my life. I never sold anything ever. I just remembered being cuddled by my mom at home who did most of everything for me. Then boom! I was in my twenties and suddenly had to grow up. When my dad started to talk with me about starting a business, after college, I just about panicked. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Exactly. I've also had a very soft childhood where my parents would guide me into almost everything and when my teens came, they suddenly thrust all these responsibilities on me and it overwhelmed me. Add the bullying from my peers into the mix and it became a recipe for a disastrous mental health. I used to study well and after all that happened, I slowly started falling into despair and MD. Now, I've made a little headway in pulling myself out but now that I finished college, facing the real world is quite scary.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thing with me is I had a soft childhood, and it empowered me to think I can do anything when I grown up, in spite I wasn't really getting any experience while I was growing. And then I've given real responsibilities, and I might choke, depending on how challenging it is or it could not part of my abilities. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I find it more comfortable to sit here and play games all day rather than go out and do something, which shouldn't be the case. I got vaccinated today and my next dose is going to be 84 days from today. So I hope that would make some form of travel easier. I hope COVID would disappear by next year, but I'm also curious to see how people will come back to their old normal after being like this for so long.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah my solace is my family and talking to you. I just hate this virus. I hope next year isn't so bad. Staying at home safe is driving me nuts.