Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Even if I did speak up about it, if romance isn't reciprocated, things get really awkward between me and the other person. And it might impact our mutual friendship with other common people. That freezes me from asking a girl out. Else, I'd say I'd probably do well on a date and I'd give my best effort to a relationship. That one hurdle alone is the biggest one in my way.

My dad can be quite understanding, but my mom is more concerned with what the relatives will say, and that irritates me. Sometimes I feel like I'm that toy who gets shown off and when people have better toys, automatically undermine me and it pains me a lot.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The reason I didn't make the cut on the romantic line, is because I failed to speak up. People want a partner who is talkative, conversational and not tedious to listen to. Living in my head over the years killed it for me. And I feel pained that it will stay unattainable. I noticed in school how often people stood around me and stared at me so very intently with curiosity. And I don't just mean kids—a teacher was doing this too. Otherwise, they got so mean and just shoved their faces in mine, like they found no sign of intelligence in me. 

You're right, we both should've took care of ourselves, listen to people's good advice and improved our skills in being socially interactive and approachable to people. 

And I'm with you. I feel terrified of my future. I'm still not clear on what direction I'm going for the next 1-2 years. I get shaky to think about it. I'm very concerned that my dad will give me a hard time once again about employment and independence.

When I earned my degree, I figured 10 years later, I'll be supporting myself, not still living with my parents. It's really the moves and decisions we make. Things will not happen miraculously. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I have no clue how the remainder of this year and the year forward will go, and I'm scared thinking aboout it. To be honest, I don't even want to think anything anymore. It sounds weird, but anything I think goes straight to the MD script which is written everyday in my head.

As far as romance goes, I should've taken care of myself better. I'm not too fit, but I'm quite healthy. Abstinence from vices helped in that. Even when I pay attention, I still don't know what to look for as confirmation that I can move forward in terms of dating. I may have missed out on opportunities, and right now, I'm having limerence (desperation towards love), which in coordination with MD, is really wrecking havoc on my heart and mind.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have to say I'm extremely disillusioned when it comes to romance—and friends. I expected to be married with kids by now, but the person I was waiting for never appeared. Either because I didn't take care of myself better or I simply didn't pay attention to people. I actually wonder if this is still going to happen. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Yeah, and I can forget about being a graphic designer. You nearly have to live and breathe it and I don't have it. I was meant to be an artist. I would kill to work in the editorial department for newspapers or magazines, but they need good editors and staff who really know the ropes. It's so hard to get anything in this current world.

I think that I dried up over the 2010's and I didn't continue learning, so doors kept on closing and employers began to find me no good. 

It also depends on the employer and the quality of work they run, some are easy and some aren't. I've dealt with workers at senior level (60+) who criticized my lack of talent, critical thinking and slow hand movement. Younger workers made the same remarks, although they weren't so punishing. 

Honestly, I have no idea what I will be taking in Second Career, and if I suddenly do go back into the labour market, I'm no longer eligible for that program. So I'll see. Deciding on the next career move is so damn discouraging.

Yes, when I was a teen—I was dumb. I thought I had all the answers and was sure of my future. Life actually did hit me hard and didn't turn out how I wanted. What happened is that I didn't take crucial steps to make sure I was well educated and trained, and ready for the workforce. I hate to admit this, but I lived in a ferry world. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, safe to say, I can forget about getting jobs in engineering, at least in communications engineering. Because learning skills for it, would be like learning the program all over again. I'm looking for jobs where proficiency in second language would be the need. Because I feel I can learn that easy and at least get a job for now.

If my parents were more liberal, I'd probably be more patient and get motivated to learn. I'm actually feeling more depressed because of the constant pressure.

As a teen, we have different ideas on what we wanna do, but eventually life would hit us hard, so that it changes, exactly like you said. I don't know when will I find my real passion and I fear it will be late in life.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I think I've grown out of my original prospects. You get a whole bunch of idealistic goals when you finish high school, but your future turns out differently, and in a way you didn't want. You wait around so long for what you expected...but it never arrives. Then you shrug your shoulders and go "Fine, then, I guess I'm better off going another direction." Overtimes, you just forget your old desires. That's honestly how you really grow up, finding out first what doesn't work for you. That is, before you find your real identity and ambitions. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel that I'm this discouraged in life, all because of my parent's demanding expectations. If my parents didn't care, I would've would've left town and became an illustrator for a publishing company or magazine corp. My dad is so concerned that I need to make the wage. Which is why I hack away at all these strategies. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It's very hard to find work this summer. I have this bad feeling that I will not get hired. Digital companies are looking for in demand designers that meet their requirements and applicants are being shortlisted. So I am hardly getting any feedback. So I might be training for a whole new field this winter. It's a bit scary for me, because I've been struggling to be a better designer for a decade. Now I realize I have to change, once again.

It was the same in my early 20's. I took up fine art and hands-on-crafts, before I decided to move into graphic design, as it's more reassuring to making a salary. I've been warned in advance that I will not succeed. Low and behold years later, I see what everybody meant. I failed to be a designer. Sometimes, listening is a virtue. 

It's a bit sad. When I was 21, I thought that my life was just the beginning, When really there is always new a beginning after a beginning. Life is full of new beginnings and it doesn't have to just be your 20's. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, at least, you knew you wanted to become an artist. All I wanted to do after high school before college was enjoy my newfound freedom. But soon I got the question of what I wanted to choose for college. So I chose Communications Engineering because of a small chapter in Physics in my final year of high school. Little did I know, that it was the wrong move. I still don't know what I want to become. All I want is just to live peaceful and be able to do things on my bucket list.

Even I want to move away from parents to experience that freedom and independence. There is a plan of sorts, to move in with my best friends here, and look for jobs together. Honestly, I feel like all my life, I've only ever talked to people from India and Oman. I want to have friends in other countries as well. So, I'm talking to people in MD support groups, on Facebook and WhatsApp. I'm talking to you here. So I want to talk to new people and make friends more.