Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I honestly don't think there is a magical person, myself. That's probably why I'm still single to this very day and will be for sometime yet. 

I didn't realize I made everybody think I didn't like them or found them amusing. I thought maybe, they thought I wasn't interested or attractive sitting there all quietly. I just remember being instantly verbally attacked or interrogated for not being talkative the very day I met a new crew. 

I must say, this is the suckiest summer of my life. I have to decide whether I need to return to college or get back into the labour market. I haven't even decided what the hell I want to study. Aside from being stuck inside a house keeping safe from a delta variant. Not only that, my head is killing me. It's probably by not exercising and eating or drinking the wrong things. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I didn't believe in one magical person, but I used to think that I could get dating good. But maybe it won't be the case. I wouldn't know where to start in terms of dating, I don't do cheesy pickup lines XD (I was scrolling through Instagram stories, and I saw this extremely weird pick up line which goes "Are you a transformer? Because you're Optimus Fine", and I was laughing for quite a while XD, goes to show how cringe they are), and I wouldn't know how to pick up hints that it's going good.

Well, as much as it is cliche, don't believe that way. I'm already feeling like that, and I don't want you feeling that way, Jess. 

It's true, if you don't talk, it breaks people's expectations and makes them believe that they're not fun, and a lot of people take that as an insult and go about hating us. When in reality, it's us who have trouble. I feel that we have difficulty opening up, but once we do, it's hard to shut us up XD

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Roughly 8pm in Canada. I'm 12.75 hours away from India.

I don't recall having been in a relationship in my whole life. People had trouble trying to be my friend as I wasn't interactive and talkative for them. They often stared and made a remark or talked about me to others behind my back. So I got teased and bullied a lot. I've even had a few close friends that made a comment that nothing ever comes out of my mouth. 

Funny enough, I believed that "the one" was out there and we'd meet in my 20's to early 30's. Nobody ever came into the picture. I wonder if this will be me being single and solo for the rest of my life, hearing the same bloody comments by others over the same issue I can't suppress.As if I'm just not good enough for them. 

It's important to TALK as it expresses who a person is, otherwise, it's like you don't exist. Everybody goes on without you. That is just a sad fact in life. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I haven't even been in a relationship all my life. In the middle of college, I didn't care too much, but like I said, a certain meetup triggered my limerence again. I think I told you about it a while back. Now I'm stuck in my head with it all the time and to distract myself, I switch on a game and play.

By the way, it's 8:42 in the morning here. What about there in Canada?

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Hi, I don't particularly freeze when it comes to opening up. I am quite a thinker and wonderer. So I tend to go back into my head, instead of absorbing others' conversations. That's probably why my relationships failed instantly. When I was a young kid, I looked forward to a life of relationships, but was utterly disappointed with reality. Others reacted so strongly to my lack of verbal skills and literally thought I was stupid. I had no idea how I made everyone feel around me. It's like I lived in the Land of Jessica. I couldn't help it myself. I didn't understand other people's tastes and preferences in friends and partners, so it wasn't all my fault. It's just, we can't read minds and perceive in each others feelings, unless we communicate properly. That means we have to like each other and bond first. They just couldn't tell, because I was so quiet, so they gave up in frustration.That is in my teens and 20's. So next time I encounter people once again, when covid is over, I probably won't behave the way I used to. I just learned so much from the past. 

[Kiruba Victor]

No no, I haven't gone on dates and all XD. Not yet. I deeply wish I had the opportunity, and I do feel I can do decently. I haven't been on a date yet. My friends do pay attention to me.

Even I think I'm much different in my head, to the point where I actually take some beliefs from the person I am in my head to my real self.

People do get hurt when you don't talk much. They think that it's because of them and sometimes they hate you for making them feel that way. Know that it isn't always our fault. Sometimes, we have trouble opening up. I just wish they realized that. As far as I see, you're quite open here. Maybe if we meet in real life, we can open up a bit easier than we do to others. I don't know why, but my brain goes into freeze mode when I talk to someone in person. But I'm changing that step by step. So yeah, I'm not the extroverted talker, but I'm not the extreme introverted talker either. If you can initiate a conversation, I'd do my best to keep it going.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I realize why so many people instantly didn't like. They found me unfriendly and weird—and too quiet. I never found anybody just like me in the neighbourhood. They were other tribes that I couldn't relate myself with. 

But I didn't get out there and look. I just dwelled around the house for years. I think I believed "a special somebody" could find me on my home grounds. But it's so typical for someone with Asperger syndrome to live in their own world and believe things like that. I made a huge mistake. So embarrassing. 

So when covid is all said and done, I'm going to change my bad habits and find the right tribe. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have the feeling, the only person who will save me is myself. I expected too much, too soon. I wasn't honest with myself and didn't get my facts straight. Didn't gather any background support with life experienced. And then I shocked myself. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I do it every time and I don't know why. I get too carried away with my beliefs. Like I tend to think I'm somebody else in my head, or I think that I can easily get away with doing something, without calculating the consequences of my behaviour. Then I get hit by this wake up call...and I find myself in HOT water. Next thing I know I'm in deep shit. I'll feel stupid and panicky. Either I get caught in my actions or I disregarded a heavy responsibility for too long, due to complacency. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

At least you have friends and you go on dates, and people pay attention to you. I'm very invisible and my family doesn't notice my feelings, because I barely speak a word all day. Plus the current world isn't aware that I exist, because 24/7 I'm either on the computer, in my studio or walking the shoreline. But I need to get a new life. I want to get a new job, but it's very difficult in this economy. I may just be hitting the books in January. Who knows? It's all up to me. Otherwise, I just sit there and glue my eyes to the internet for hours. It's so samey, the daily routine. I'm stunned, because I believed I'd grow much further than this.