Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I find it very difficult not to think of romance myself. I feel a guilt trip when I'm supposed to be listening and somebody notices I'm not with them, for whatever reason. Best way to resolve that is to interest your mind into something else. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, I did try talking more often to people and making new friends but as far as dating goes, that fear of things being awkward if rejected, still has a hold on me.

Well, I try hard not to think about romance, but it's so hard to not do it. Since I haven't had it in my life yet, it's kind of like an objective in life right now. I had the objective of making friends and now, safe to say, that's good.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm just thinking...things that you want to happen never come out of fantasies. They happen by the Universe. This is how I met everybody in my life, of course the encounters weren't perfect. As we talked about, I gave them an impression they didn't appeal to me. 

I notice that I constantly walk the park trails hoping to meet someone on the way. I could do this a million times and come across nothing. Life goes agains your typical presumptions. It's wise to let it go and see what happens without even thinking about it. Just do what you do, day by day, and someone will pop into the scenario. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Good and surprising things only happen to me when I go with the flow. I think I tried too hard wanting things to happen my way. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I lived in my head, my idealistic worlds meant so much to me. There was a time they were so beautiful and spiritual. They filled me with hope and promise. There was something very utopian about it. But they weren't real and I made a lot of people angry. I was very distracted and wouldn't pay attention to them. I was getting picked on and others could only guess what I was doing.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I learned a valuable lesson. Don't depend on a surrounding place you know and love, no matter how much you lived here—to find a romantic partner or friend. Everybody knows you have to get out there and look. Socialize. Leave your comfort zone. Who am I kidding? My dad gave me this advise years and years ago, but I just wasn't listening.

I had my chance when my peers were around and we lived in the same edge of town, but now they're gone. I do remember how much they tried to get me to SPEAK and give them my attention. I was so quiet and reserved. I had no idea what I had in front of me. Trouble is I took it all for granted. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, people have those expectations often. Most do. But there are some who understand us and help accordingly. I wasn't too social before, but being with my close friends has definitely helped.

Yeah, I wish I could get rid of complacency, but it's a freebie alongside MD, so it won't go away without a fight. 

By the way, if you don't mind, do you have an Instagram or FB account? We've been talking for so long and I'm curious to see the mystery person who makes me feel less alone XD. If you're comfortable with sharing that. Else, no problem.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When dad told me complacency gets you nowhere, he was right. I was comfortable and sound in a job and now I'm looking at colleges, as if I'm back on square one. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I didn't realize that I made everybody think I don't like them or they're the problem. I do remember they couldn't figure out what the laughing, eye motions and faces were about. They just wanted me to normalize and be more self-expressive around them. They also wondered why I kept going straight home, instead of hanging out with my friends. The lack of minding reading and communication back then was depressing. Like we just weren't weren't emotionally on the same page. Funny thing is I didn't see or hear from them ever since. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, everyone has flaws and we have to love a person with that as well. It'll be tough but it's worth it. Maybe, when we're in love, we see that person as perfect. Emotions XD

Yeah, people tend to think that when someone doesn't talk, the fault is with them. But they should get that not everyone has the same extroverted energy.

I'm scared about what's gonna happen this year. Like, it makes me sweat thinking about it. But hey, baby steps is all it takes, I guess.