Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I give up on my prospects in my town. I see what happened in my past, I was surrounded by bullies who wanted to use me as a punching bag for their own securities and inner egos. Surprisingly, I had a math and English teacher was like this, but he made it as subtle as possible. I was the weakest target in sight. If I wasn't the weakest target, it would've been somebody else. They were hyper judgmental and manipulative and rather cruel. I'm glad I never saw them again, even though it left a mark on me. It doesn't matter what town you'll move to, you will never know who you'll meet. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel like I partied hard in my head, not realizing that nobody can hear my thoughts and expectations. Like if I really wanted this sooner, I should've spoken up. And I didn't talk. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

That is the mistake I made. I didn't realize that people DO have lives, places to go and people to see. They are not going to randomly see me, stop and say hello, or pop out the blue and make themselves known XD. 

Problem is I never hung around people to take their advice and examples. I was always going by my own beliefs. Everybody does things a certain way when they are in groups. I was never the "group sort" so I did whatever I felt was possible on my own accord. Regardless, I see that all my attempts did not work out and were stupid. 

Making friends online is OK in these times. But I really prefer to meet more people in person. It's actually not good for your health to constantly rely on the internet to meet and date people. That's why I wish this damn virus would go away. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, people are busy with their own lives to notice us unless we make such an impact that it doesn't go by unnoticed.

I've resorted to talking to people online and making some level of friendship with them. Went and talked to fellow MDers in Facebook and WhatsApp and talked there more than I usually do. I can talk quite a bit, maybe not like an extrovert can.

Well, it's good you know what you want in romance. I'm still yet to even begin the testing phase. I'm getting better as a person, but I feel my life will truly resume after 2022 when the pandemic is over.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I got everything the wrong way. I thought MD was a portal to a path of success and better living. It was just an escapism to ease my frustrations of my current situation. It didn't promise anything better of the sort. 

I waited years of my life to meet somebody romantically like in a movie. Life just doesn't work that way. Regards, I can relax, as I know for certain what my prospective partner will be like and look like. They are our real partners, and have a bit of something reminiscent of our parents and us. So of course we are going to feel disconnected from other people we will be dating and seeing. It's just testing the waters. But at some point in our lives, we will finally encounter a person who we will have a lot in common with and share a mutual relationship.

It never happened before, because I was insecure and troubled, and very confused and lost. But that is just typical when you're a young person. Now I'm learning more about myself. So what went wrong in the past is acceptable and I closed those doors. Now I can push on with my life lessons and hope I don't run into those nauseating situations ever again. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm getting very frustrated. I do want to make friends, but it's unbelievably hard in this current world, especially when we're adults in a pandemic, and everything is taken over by computers. I'm sure there was a time in history where everybody was so much happier. They just partied and talked with each other in the face. Our century has just gone introvert. And yet I don't have the gift and skills that others do to make a social life happen.  

[Jessica Ballantyne]

The part where I mentioned, "when we live in our own world, we are unaware of how we impact other people's feelings." I realize why I got sacked all through life. We are tribal, so we may not be kind to certain tribes, but especially to persons who appear like they don't belong anywhere. Also I did all sorts of things that made no sense to anybody else, such as MD. So I am basically beside myself with my situation. People are too busy with their own life and social crowd to be involved. It's my fault that I didn't try and draw more people into my life. 

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, whenever I think of it, it hurts because reality snaps in, that I'm still lonely in that aspect.

Well, they can't figure out how to get you to open up. But we are improving and eventually, we'll be able to socialize enough to fit in.

I think it'll be over by next year, I feel that's when my life's next phase will truly start.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Another thing, I am really cursing this pandemic. If we weren't told to stay home, I'd get out and make a difference in my life. It was just the timing. I can only guess this virus will go down by the end of 2022. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm quite disgusted by how people look at me. They think I'm a very stupid person with no social life and relationships, and is probably not happy. They go tease and manipulate me, putting me on the spot, and make me feel like a great big idiot. I think it's because nothing comes out of my gob most of the time.