Outside my head

[Jessica Ballantyne]

This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

[Kiruba Victor]

Well, as for me, people do ask me "Why haven't you had a girlfriend yet? You're quite good looking, kinda funny, and a gentleman."  and it hurts when they ask that. I'm anxious to ask a girl out, due to fear of being rejected and things going awkward after that.

I'm also glad to have met you online. Talking to you feels good, like taking out a lot of mental baggage. And congratulations on getting a second job! I know you will excel at it.

Nowadays, I talk to my friends online more than daydreaming, since it's more engaging. That includes you, some of my friends who I play games with, and some from the MD community in Facebook and WhatsApp. To all of them, I have something in common I can relate to, so it's easier to talk to them. My MD isn't as intense as it was before, but it still lingers. Maybe, when I get a job, it will be gone even more so.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm so glad I met you. If it wasn't for our exchange of conversation, there wouldn't have been anybody else. It's been a while since I made a friend. I'm so glad I'm getting my second jab on Saturday!

I realize that I was too busy daydreaming to make anything in my life work out. Who gets ahead daydreaming? I think it really started because I was just a kid and didn't understand the dangers of MD. It attracted me more than real people. Everybody tried to get my attention...tried to get words out of my mouth. They didn't know where I was in my head. 

And why I walked back and forth to the lake coast hoping to bump into someone? That was kind of immature on my part. To top it off, I'm shocked that I still live at home, when I should be able to afford my own place. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Me too on the romantic department. What gets to me is that I tend to be heavily manipulated by others who think I'll never be romantically involved. I have self-respect that I need to be loved by others. I think those people were hypocrites who didn't care about my health and wellbeing.

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, I've managed to get good people who will help me in times of need. Glad to see you have too. I don't know about the kind of people I will meet in my work, when I go, but I hope that it's good. Now all that's left is the romance department.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Thanks for mentioning this. It's been so hard for me to be liked by others, but I have met a few good people who actually care. The only way I can find more people like this is if I get out there and socialize. I usually met my friends in an educational and work environment. I haven't been to college in years and I've been working remotely, so that explains it. 

[Kiruba Victor]

I'm somewhat afraid of risks, myself, which is something I'm working on. There will be people who judge us weirdly and tease us, but on the flip side, there are people who will genuinely help. I know that, because I've seen it first hand. The world may not be all roses but it's not all thorns either.

Even if people do find us weird, how they react is entirely on them. They can choose to either break the ice and attempt to know us better or they can judge prematurely and go about teasing. I'm now with friends who do the former and I'm sure there will be people like that in Canada as well.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

It drives me nuts and it makes me pissed. Everybody I've ever met has treated me like I live on another planet. As if they didn't find a rational person, and I'm getting everything all weird and wrong. Like my actions don't conform well with their societal expectations. When really, it's up to what you think. After all, we need to think for ourselves. I must admit, I don't get on well with the NORM. We are like separate worlds. I think their version of modern views is different from my very own. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I'm those kind of introverts that like to try new things and take chances, if I'm in the mood to do this. Whenever I did get out of my cocoon and faced the crowd, someone always came over to remark on my introverted ways. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed about it that I may leave early. It's how they express it. It's rather disgusting sometimes. It's as if they can easily tell I'm socially awkward...and they toy with me in a cruel sense. Since I'm older than you, I'm educated on non family, and it's not usually a nice place to be.  

[Kiruba Victor]

I've never even been to clubs, like I said before. I've not even come close to a date and that is depressing. I hope that it would change in the future. You have an edge over me in that you know how dating works now.

I still suffer from social anxiety, but now it's only when I'm in the midst of groups, only then I feel that I can't talk. I do need a change of environment, far away from home, so that I can gain new experiences. It may be uncomfortable at first, but I will adapt somehow.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I hate to break this on myself, but I think there was a huge misunderstanding between me and everybody I've ever met. I believed there could be a connection, but in reality I connected with very, very few people, and all girls.  It's freaky looking back at a past when it's already over, and theirs details in there you've never overlooked. I no longer feel hard feelings about it and will take them as perfect examples in future. Lesson learned, pay attention to people and test the waters. I would've been better off living in the city, as there are broader crowds over there and better communities, but in small towns there's a slimmer chance. I made a mistake when I relied on my living quarters to wait on dating people. It's a nice, peaceful and serine location off a Great Lake, but I failed to find somebody who was very much like me. I mean, that's not all true. I met a girlfriend of mine (she's Indian) at our high school just across my house, and we stayed good friends since, but that was a rare occasion. Now she lives in Delhi, India. My point is it was my responsibility to seek people abroad and that's what I failed to do as a young adult. I think my social anxiety got the better of me.